I'm sorry
Here I am again, mining an old John Denver song and trying to repackage it with my own sentiments. If I'm anything, I'm just very sorry. But first, the lyrics.
It always seems that way
And I've been thinking about you almost every day
Thinking about the good times
Thinking about the rain
Thinking about how bad it feels alone again
I'm sorry things ain't what they used to be
But more than anything else
I'm sorry for myself
'Cause you're not here with me
And I say you're doing fine
And I expect to hear from you almost anytime
But they all know I'm crying
And I can't sleep at night
They all know I'm dying down deep inside
I'm sorry for the things I didn't say
But more than anything else
I'm sorry for myself
I can't believe you went away
I'm sorry for the chains I put on you
But more than anything else
I'm sorry for myself
For living without you
Whenever we make a mess or hurt someone, we go through a series of emotions. Long after the initial offense, we sometimes feel remorse and guilt. Such is how I feel about what happened between me and a certain woman. I named this blog My Careless Contagion because I felt a destructive pathogen went trough me and transferred to those around me, wreaking havoc on those I loved. Looking back on conversations with that woman, I think I said the word "sorry" more than any other. And I am truly sorry. For everything. I look forward to God putting her life back in order, though it won't include me.
John Denver released I'm Sorry in 1975, and it would prove to be his last number-one hit. Some people say they don't understand the appeal of John Denver, but millions do. He was the antithesis to all the ultra-masculine and druggy music of the day. He wrote good, clean songs you can still hear on the radio today. The bar I live near plays John Denver all the time. This song is about John's relationship with Annie, his then wife. The song is sad, and that is how I feel. What was once is now over, and forever. John is sorry about many things, even including "the way things are in China," perhaps alluding to the strain and distance he put on his relationship because of relentless touring. Or maybe he just felt bad about the horror that is Communism. I recall reading in Brice Taylor's book about how she fed lyrics to John after sleeping with him. Perhaps that line came from her (actually, the council). It doesn't seem to belong in this song. I don't know. All I know is John is very sorry, as am I.
For me, I couldn't believe she went away, either. And then I understood. But that didn't stop me from feeling sorry for myself. When something is lost, we can either choose to find something else or mourn over what we lost. Or both, I suppose. I chose to stand still and get hit by a bus, apparently. Much has already been said about this, so I won't make another foray into the abyss of what it meant to lose her. I know how it is when someone endlessly repeats the same tedium.
I just want to say I'm sorry. Once and forever. If she's out there and hears this, I hope she understands I'd take it all back to make her whole again. If I could perform some sort of penance and make it better, I would. Staying away is the best I can do until God tells me otherwise. However, all the love letters I wrote will stay. I won't delete this blog. Lately, it feels I hear a small voice tell me it's okay, that the man who got the girl needs her more than I do, that she is full of God's light, which he needs. And so, I feel calm knowing all is well and she is right and I was wrong. Perhaps with me letting go, the last pieces will fall together. Perhaps, what that man needs is his guardian angel back, and I tried to take her away. For that I am sorry.
***
Recently, I received prayer for my eyes. Sunday, after prayer, I looked around in amazement because I could see nearly as well in my right eye as my left. For a long time, I closed one eye and then the other, comparing. I was astonished. But I felt the battle was not over, and, sure enough, my right eye returned to its usual dullness within an hour. But, it shows there is indeed a spiritual root of the problem. I will continue to seek prayer. If anyone prayed about this, thank you.
And thank you for reading. God bless.
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