The unexpected
Let's start with a joke! Was it funny? I guess that depends on your sense of humor. Many will laugh because the punchline is unexpected. Unexpected things make us laugh for some reason. It made me laugh, and perhaps because the girl appears Slavic, and they are known for having a rather severe take on reality (no BS). So, here I am in a tank top, dude.
Two things have been tangled in my thoughts for some time. The first is what I feel God answered about the girl and my missed opportunity. I feel He told me to move to where she lives last summer, but I did not. I was disobedient because I was scared of a non-existent pandemic. I didn't know how that would play out, but all things are in God's hands. I believe if I had been obedient, it is possible we would have eventually been together and He would have blessed us. Maybe I'm just hanging onto my delusion, but that's what I feel in my spirit. (She probably disagrees, but all I know is what I feel God said.) It doesn't matter anymore, as the window of opportunity closed. It doesn't help to know this for any reason other than to have peace in knowing I wasn't insane and God was talking to me. I had a different set of expectations for how things would play out, and God dealt with me about that. I was truly wrong and humbled in spectacular fashion. God was right. I was wrong. But there's that concept of "unexpected" again. Was it funny this time?
The second thing rampaging through my mind is the feeling I was the bad guy in all of this, that I wanted something I couldn't or shouldn't have. That's an ugly thought for someone who spent his life trying to do the right thing, even if the cost was incredibly high. For me to get to a point where I did something like wanting another man's wife (and his life) is unconscionable. And completely unacceptable. Was it true? I don't know. I firmly believed she was more than ready to leave her marriage because 1) he is a liar 2) he is a domestic abuser 3) he is a cheater 4) he is not a godly man 5) he treated her poorly in other ways 6) he modeled behavior that was ugly in front of their children, even threatening physical violence to her 7) and the first time I saw him in a photo, I thought, "Well that's unexpected. Didn't see her being with a guy like that," which leads me to 8) he just looks mean, like he would salivate over the chance to kick your face in and steal your girl, and then have his way with her while sporting his patented 9) rape sneer, and she probably liked it because 10) apparently, he has his way with a lot of girls (Okay, we already covered that; I was just trying to make it to 10). Needless to say, I was repulsed by the man. I emailed one of her friends years ago about how she was doing, and her friend said the man was "a pig," so I'm glad I'm not the only one who holds that opinion. I thought, perhaps, I was biased. Well, okay, I am. But, to me, I was the good guy giving her a way out of that mess. There is truly nothing wrong in wanting to escape an abusive/cheating situation, I said. Even as boring as I am, I'm probably still an upgrade from a domestic abuser/cheater. I certainly didn't see myself as the bad guy. But, she is a sweet girl who loves the man anyway. She sees things in him I never will see, which is the essence of godliness (yes, God is a God of judgment but also mercy). She is a virtuous woman unlike any other I've known and a genuine jewel. Any man would be very lucky to have such a girl. Maybe God was doing something there that I screwed up.
As time went on and she told me I was the reason she got divorced and then saw how brutal that divorce was for her (she truly did not want it) and her children, I started to wonder if I really was the good guy. Going further down the road, I settled on the notion I was indeed the bad guy. Had I not come along, none of this would have happened to her and her family. End of story. And that conclusion was also unexpected. The guy who spent his whole life trying to be the good guy was suddenly the bad guy? (That thought was definitely at odds with how I saw myself.) If there has to be a bad guy, then okay, I will take the blame. If it is possible to somehow redeem myself by being the bad guy and going away and leaving everyone alone to put their lives back together, then that is absolutely what I will do. How many times did I cry repentant and bitter tears over the thought of her children with no father? How many times did I pray God would put them back together (if it was His will)? Countless. If prayers alone could move mountains, those mountains would have moved by the force of mine. So, I'm the bad guy. Unexpected. Definitely not funny. Certainly ironic. And something I am determined to change.
As a side note, looking back on my life, and stretching back to my childhood, it's really odd to consider all the times I was blamed for things that were not my fault. Very unfair. I often wondered why I was so often the scapegoat. My divorce was no exception. Still, the callousness and cruelty of people in the aftermath of my divorce was unexpected and incredibly hurtful. People just don't like me and look for a way to show that. That's what I believe. But, thinking about all of the stuff I just wrote, maybe I really am to blame. Maybe I really am the bad guy, though unintentionally bad. Or maybe I'm just accepting the label because I want peace and a resolution. Sure, I'll be the bad guy if everyone can get their lives — and happiness — back. It is literally the least I can do. Accept it and walk on.
Sometimes the unexpected punchline isn't funny, as I showed in the two above examples. (And, I think it possible both scenarios are true.) But I'm learning to laugh at myself. Someday, maybe, I'll find these things slightly amusing, at least. But I'd like to see everything turn out for the best. That is my hope and prayer. And then maybe I can chuckle to myself about it. All I know is God definitely has a sense of humor. He loves to confound the wise with simple things. He loves to outwit the devil. He turns the tables on the wicked just when they are close to victory. He is endlessly merciful to those who don't deserve mercy. He is patient with the wicked and disobedient. He turns bad things into good things, often unexpectedly. So I'm praying God will do the latter with all of this. (God loves doing unexpected things!) Then it will be something to smile about. Someday.
***
In addition to my recent and ongoing health problems, I'm also experiencing significant financial setbacks. It's fun to be me sometimes. About my health: I didn't have trouble with my eyes until I moved here and stared at a computer screen all day. Blue light is harmful in a many ways. Also, it is impossible to eat healthily here. But, what I'm dealing with is most likely spiritual in nature. The main problem is my right eye, which lost quite a bit of vision recently. The Bible says a lot about the right eye. The right eye being darkened is a grievous thing. The right side of our body is usually stronger (though my left eye is dominant), and the right side symbolizes the right path. (Conversely, the left-hand path is following satan.) Also, the right eye seems to symbolize affections. So, if the right eye offends, we are to "pluck it out," meaning deal with offending affections. I have no clue what that means. I renounced every possible affection I ever had just to cover the bases. (Goodbye, Elizabeth Turner.) And I'm not in a relationship. Or, it could mean something else, as in I have an affection for a certain type of sin, which causes me to offend. That makes sense. Matthew 5:29 is an interesting verse. Looking at "eye" in that verse in Strong's Concordance, it does seem to deal with sin, specifically envy. (Am I envious of evil-doers, as my past posts suggest?) Maybe I'm reading too much into that but will pray about it. Further, both my mother and grandmother have issues with their right eyes, so it also looks like a generational curse and/or demons who have legal ground due to sins of the fathers. Curses and their attendant demons can travel ten or more generations, so there is no way to know who did what unless God reveals it. I'm praying God will reveal the key to understanding this situation, as well as seeking prayer for healing. It is something to keep an eye on. Heh.
Thanks for reading, and God bless.
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