Apologies
Sometimes it is necessary to issue apologies. Celebrities do it all the time, at the risk of being canceled otherwise. Well, I'm no celebrity, and there is no risk of me being canceled, except by God. But, sometimes we have to say we're sorry.
So, I'm sorry. There. Done.
Oh, wait. I should probably get into detail a bit.
I apologize to my ex, whom I slew a great deal on my blog. She's an ordinary human being. She is flawed. I didn't need to ax her asunder as I did. I wouldn't want anyone to tear me up the way I did her on these pages. I'm sorry for that. For the record, she seems quite happy without me and has no intention of letting me back in her life. She must have been happy to unload me.
I apologize to my parents, who did the best they could raising me. They did a lot to make sure I got the right opportunities and missed out on things that were less than savory. As for their faults, all I can say is everyone is human. There are no perfect parents. And there are no perfect kids. Maybe I was rotten. I did occasionally hide my apple cores in the loveseat in the loft. Ugh.
I apologize to my brothers. I dragged them through the muck on these pages. That was poor of me. I don't know why they did what they did. Maybe I was a crappy brother and a bother. Definitely a bother.
To all my coworkers and former coworkers, as well as bosses, I apologize. I could and should have done better. I let a lot of you down. I took some things personally. I don't know why you treated me like you did. I thought I was a good employee, but clearly not good enough.
And I apologize to all the girls I slammed here. No, not that kind of slamming. The bad kind. I really took it out on them. I don't blame them for what they did or how I took it. It was just crappy. And, looking back, I wasn't that great of a guy anyway. No wonder they all went AWOL. Some of those girls were really nice, and I really hate to think of hurting them. So I'm sorry I said the things I said here. I should have done better.
One of those girls was the girl I thought I was going to marry. It was a supreme disappointment, one of the worst of my life, in fact, when that didn't happen. I still recall when she told me she couldn't see me or talk to me anymore, and I remember putting the phone down afterward and thinking, "That is the last time I will hear from her." For the record, we both told one another to buzz off at one point or another. But, It was me who dropped the ball continually and then at the end. (My only defense is I had no idea how she felt about me until it was too late.) There is no way to apologize for that. It was just stupid. I must have been much worse off than I remember. I really wasn't capable or ready to be with such a wonderful human being. (Yes, I knew she was quite rare and special then, too.) And she had a wonderful life without me. I apologize to her, yet realize her life would have been no better with me. No use apologizing to myself because, well, it wouldn't do any good. (Thanks, dude. Do better next time.)
Really, though, I can't expect anyone to forgive me if I don't forgive them. I forgive everyone, including myself. I probably did far more damage to them than they did me, anyhow. Those who hurt and disappointed me, I don't have to keep close. Nothing says I have to welcome them into my life. I do have to forgive, however. No one can blame me for not wanting anything to do with them, though. But, the common denominator in all of this is me. These people must have had a reason to treat me how they did. I haven't, perhaps, examined myself enough to realize why. I have a lot of work to do. I'm just a crappy person. I feel God said it is time to make some changes.
In the future, I want to be a better man. God has me on a fast track (at my request) to get to where I need to be. I can't say much more. I'm anxious to leave behind this person I am now. Better days are ahead.
I don't have a whole lot to write here anymore. I feel I'm about done. No one cares. And it doesn't matter anymore. But, I felt apologies were necessary. I'm so tired of apologies and saying I'm sorry. I want to do better. It's time to stop blaming everyone for my problems and see the real problem is me. From my childhood to divorce to today, I am the problem. I don't want to throw anyone under the bus. Big boy pants. I need to deal with my problems and live my life and see what happens. Then, maybe, I'll have something good to write about for a change!
***
If I may, let me share one thing before I take time off. I watched a video of this crazy bird that can mimic other birds, which is not entirely rare among birds. But, what was rare was he could also make laser sounds. And, he could mimic birds conversing, even talking over one another. That is a ridiculous talent for a bird with a brain the size of ... whatever. Watch a movie and listen to the dialog. Notice how rarely people step on each other's words. It's impossible to practice and make it sound natural. And, well, humans are taught not to do that to begin with. Sure, we do it when we are excited. My point is, you don't really hear it much in movies because it is so hard to practice. It almost has to happen by accident, which is how it happens in real life. Here we have a bird that God gifted with the ability to recreate other birds talking, including them stepping on each other's conversations (the accidents). It's almost like it can reproduce the conversations from a crowded room. What kind of God gives that sort of talent to a crazy bird? And why? The only answer I can think of is to get us thinking and asking the question I just asked. So we would see Him everywhere and all around us. Even in nature, God leaves a witness. Even if no one ever approached a person about God, He still speaks to them through nature. That's fantastic. He thought of literally everything. What an Amazing God.
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