The Giving Tree
The Giving Tree is a metaphor for ... well, giving human beings. I use it here that way. I realize Shel Silverstein was a certified creep. And, I know many now say the book is a metaphor for enabling and abusive behavior. I don't disagree. But, looking at the book without any of that, what is your first impression? It's sad, of course. But, it's also hopeful. And, it is about endless giving, which is beyond my comprehension. I believe that is how Jesus tells us to live. We are to give until there is no more to give. And then give more.
I know a person who exemplifies that giving spirit. This post is dedicated to her. After I learned more about her father, I saw where she got some of her tendencies. And her big heart that loves God and His creatures. I thank God every day I got to know that girl. I fell in love with her heart and will love it forever — even after I die — because it reminds me of God's love. She is the giving tree. She shows God's love. She makes me happy just knowing she's alive. Just knowing she exists.
Her heart is what draws me near, even now. I want to be near her. I don't understand it, but I felt that way for a long time. There is kindness and tenderness in her beyond what I thought possible. I want to learn from her and be a better person. God willing, I will.
Thank you, Cindy. Thank you for providing a godly example that continues to inspire me. I love many things about you, and this is only one.
Love gives. It does not consider itself. It produces for others, and always. It makes me weak and incredibly sad to consider what that girl went through in the past. But, I see God's hand in it. I see His infinite grace and mercy in her actions. The closer I looked at her life, the more humbled I became, until I could no longer stand it. I had to change. I am determined to be a better man, even though the cost is great. When God challenges us, we have a choice to change or walk away. I am determined to change.
I don't know what the future holds. Only God knows. I will spend my remaining years (which probably are few) as close to God as I can get. I am homesick for a place I've never been, which is surely madness to the world. But, it can wait. I feel God telling me I have a job to do right now. Yes, sir. I will do it the best I can. I don't know if I'll ever see that girl again in this life. But, I know I am changed because of her and the example of endless giving she gave. I felt ashamed of my ways. I determined to change. God willing, I will.
I saw a love flowing from her that literally took my breath away. It was humbling, shocking, unexpected, and perfect. When you see something like that which is so rare, the tendency is to disbelieve. Well, I saw it. I believe. That woman is a treasure. The Bible has something to say about giving, but it makes it clear when we give, it comes back to us. I believe God blessed that woman in that way.
Many times I swore out loud and shook my head thinking of what I passed up, with hot, self-loathing tears crashing down my face. In everything, she was fine because her life is in the Master’s hands. I wish I could say the same about myself. I believe God chose her for me and I walked away from it, not realizing what an awful mistake I’d made because I was in utter rebellion. It was one of the worst mistakes of my life. I believe she would have been a wonderful girl to spend my life with and probably would have done much to rescue me from myself. No, I was not okay. I ran headlong into trouble and heartache.
I know. It doesn’t matter anymore. Nothing about the past can be changed. The future, yes, perhaps. I managed my hopes and dreams down to nearly nothing. Still, the heart is persistent. And the rest has already been said, and to none effect. Yes, I love her. That’s not what this post is about. It is a deep and abiding love and respect I feel for who she is. Yes, I have romantic feelings for her, as well, but this is not that. This is a different kind of love. And it will last forever, unlike other kinds of love, which often wither when the object of the affection is no longer there. No, folks, I’m hopelessly in love. And that’s okay. I couldn’t have found a sweeter girl to lay my affection on.
Here I am, perhaps on the cusp of moving. God willing, of course. All my old reasons for moving still apply, but one is stronger than others. I lost hope to be with the girl years ago, but something in her still draws me near. I want to learn from her, sit at her feet if necessary, and be a better person. I feel different when I’m around her. Hard to explain. Basically, I’m chasing a feeling, but a feeling I’m familiar with for decades.
No, I don't completely agree with the sentiment of The Giving Tree, but I use it here as a metaphor for human behavior. Some are givers and some are takers. It is clear the girl I'm talking about is a giver. I pray God blesses her many times over. And, I believe, He already has. I knew all those years ago she was special. If I had known just how special, it would have changed the trajectory of both our lives. I think I've said enough about all of that. But, the feeling remains. Today, I sit here grateful for what God showed me through her. It's not what I started out chasing, but it is, nonetheless, a gift. Imagine the carnage I brought about in her life and her, in spite of all that, giving me something of great worth in the end. Unbelievable.
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Prayers are appreciated right now. I feel very stressed and depressed at the same time, which I feel is greatly hindering me in multiple ways. I can't adequately explain all the reasons why. I also feel resistant to God, even though He did exactly what I asked. He is doing something I'm struggling with, but I also see the wisdom of it. I'm having a very ugly moment. Please pray I am faithful and obedient to do what He directs. Thank you.
Sometimes God asks us to be faithful and obedient and it is hard for us because we simply can't see what is ahead. Trust is hard, especially for those like me, who have been through so much. But, if He told us what is coming (as He could easily do), we would trust the information and not Him. We must find peace in Him. And that is where I am struggling right now.
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