My girl

Someday, to someone, who is out there somewhere, I will say these words. Not these exact words, and maybe not even said out loud, but, at the very least, it will be communicated by an important part of my being — my heart. 

I pledge to protect you, provide for us, give you my name, my honor, my heart, my being. Every part of every fiber of me down to my very DNA. I don't seek to make you mine. I seek to give you everything that is mine, from the mundane to the noble. My hopes. My dreams. They cover you. They cover us. 

You are safe. You carry my name. But, more importantly, my prayers blanket you. The language of the love a man has for a woman has been slighted, slaughtered, and lost. But I speak that language to you every day in a thousand ways, and often without words. I'm not special. But I speak the ancient language of a man who loves a woman. 

You were gifted to me by Unseen Hands. I accepted you and the tacit agreement to always love and cherish. The world has forgotten what is important. But I have not. You are important. They say a man who puts aside his goals and dreams for others is a hero, a saint, a soldier. I say a man who makes you his goals and dreams is something more. 

Tell me I am old-fashioned. Tell me I am outmoded. Tell me none of this matters. I don't care for distractions. I care about you — my girl. 

I give you my body. I give you my soul. My heart. But no more than I offer them to God. And, the more I love God, the more I am able to love you properly. I will not abandon my journey with God, nor will I abandon you. 

If you are taken from me, there are no words on this earth for how I will complain and ache and die inside. But I will see you again, and in a much better place. If I am taken from you, it will be a hard-fought battle against death itself. Death is the only thing that can pry me away from your side. 

We stand before God as equals but with different roles. I am a warrior, hell-bent on destroying anything that assails you. I must guard you in every way — your body, your mind, your soul. You fit perfectly in my arms because you were made to live there. Sure, there are things bigger and stronger than me, but not bigger than the fight God put in me. 

I hope to always be a blessing to you. I hope you always prosper by having me near. I hope you see in me what I see in you. What burns in my eyes is a naked heat. It rises when you are near and dims when you are far. This love I carry for you will never die, even though I will. You are my one, my only, my girl. 

***

Folks, I am a sucker for happy endings. Cheesy movies. Hugs and happily ever afters. It is who I am. I keep hoping for the best. For all of you. And me, too. It became clear the most I can hope for concerning the girl I love is friendship, and I'm at a point where I can healthily pursue that. (God willing, of course.) Too much time went by to hope for anything else, so I will be her friend. (And, there is no hurry for that.) What's gone is gone. After one has experienced severe disappointments, it is common to withdraw from experiences that could lead to more disappointments. Yes, it is important to guard against being hurt. (I think enough time has gone by to say there is no danger of that. And I can always tell myself I'm just a friend.) So, I will grab what I can while I can and enjoy God's blessings. There will always be disappointments. Friendship is attainable and surely a blessing. 

I'm at over 20 job applications now. I don't think I'll keep track of the number anymore. Some of these jobs look really fun and interesting. For the record, I'm doing this because I thought God told me (back in January, I think) it was necessary for my healing process. If I hear otherwise, I'll no longer pursue it. Maybe my timing isn't right. I don't know. I feel like God told me something about that process, but I don't write those things here anymore. Also, I feel He told me I need to deal with some sin in my life. No, I won't tell you the details. But I am fasting and praying about that. 

Also, this is post 500. Do a little dance for me. Or something. Or don't. I'll never know. I'm sure y'all are tired of reading so wouldn't mind a little break. 

Thank you for reading, and God bless.

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