Emma (and the pursuit of perfection)
Emma Watson, full name Emma Charlotte Duerre Watson, was born in April 1990 (in Paris), when I was almost 13 years old. Unrelatedly, my ugly yellow and gray mountain bike, which I received for my birthday that year, I still own. Moving on. I know what you're thinking. Is this yet another one of Joshua's slobbery fan posts about a girl he will never in a million years be with, much less meet? Why, yes. Yes, it is. And haven't you written about her before? Boy, you ask a lot of questions. Since when has that stopped me before? On with the show!
Emma embodies perfection. I know, some of it is celebrity/studio perfection. It's a nice image, though. At a time in history when everyone is revealing all their garbage, she keeps a pretty clean image. The way she talks. The way the words flow out of her. Her mannerisms. The way she walks. Her head tilt. Eyelashes batting. The glow of her skin and the spark in her eyes. Her laugh. Her smile. Oh, her smile. Or when she scrunches her nose. And her soft-as-honey voice. Her accent. Her ridiculous number of talents. And those freckles! Even her pursed lips. Okay, I'm embarrassing myself now. I don't care what she does. It's all nice. I could look at her all day. And sometimes do, as I follow multiple fan accounts on different platforms. (But, hey, not the underage photos. I don't care for that. It's not that kind of affection anyway.) Yeah, I'm hopeless. It's okay, though. If I had a real woman in my life, I wouldn't do that. Not that many women are threatened by a fantasy girl anyway.
Does she know? Does she know how much we adore her? Oh, I think so. It was probably embarrassing for a while, but then she got used to it. But, even if she was condescending to us, we would still love her. Because she is lovely. She's not, though. She's warm, friendly, and down-to-earth. Infinitely likable. Lovable. Stalkable. Okay, don't do that. Have you seen her box? Yeah, scary. But also adorable.
Why Emma? Hey, it doesn't have to be within the realm of possibility. But, honestly, it's predicated not so much on who she is because I honestly have no idea who she is. I know some things about her, but not much. Besides, it's hard to tell where the media fairytale ends and where reality begins. This is as much truth as I can say right now: Emma reminds me of someone. Someone special. Someone I consider perfect. And we'll leave it at that.
Okay, we won't leave it at that. I followed Emma in earnest after Cindy left my life four years ago. It came out of a painful place and an inability to let go. It looked for her in everyone. I found little pieces of her in some. That's what I looked for, as that's what I fell in love with. And that's why I kept it close. It was just pieces and memories I was holding onto. My whole idea of what a woman should be goes back to one woman. (Truly, she embodies so many rare and wonderful qualities.) When I talk to the nice lady who cuts my hair, I notice little things that remind me of another woman. I briefly considered dating her (she is divorced also) simply because she reminds me of someone I'm in love with. And that is the wrong reason to date someone, folks; I think we all agree on that. So, I didn't. Even though she is the kindest human being I've met since I've lived in this town (more than 7 years). It makes sense that she is also from small-town Nebraska. But, she is not the one I want. And neither is Emma; she just reminds me of the one I want.
What do you do when you can't let go of someone? Time goes by and you're still stuck. They're gone. As more time goes on and you can't move on, you realize you are in trouble. You make excuses, but, really, you don't want to move on. You want what you had. You want her. Other girls come and go through your life, but you never take your eyes off that one that got away. Your heart follows after. And then you recreate her in little ways. You create a fantasy. Anything but let go.
It's strange how our minds work. Even stranger — our hearts. What can I say? I think it is endearing that Emma Watson dedicated an award she received to her dead hamster. Who would do that? Only a kind person. Because, let's face it, hamsters are incredibly dumb. I appreciate kindness. I appreciate the things I see in Emma because they are things I took careful note of about someone else. I appreciate Emma because I appreciated another woman first. And there can be only one first. The first one goes in deep. And never leaves, apparently.
Perhaps some have noted discrepancies in my blog about who did what to whom. Who rejected whom. It was me who dropped the ball. I let the girl get away. She reached out at the last moment (and loved me many years before that), and I let go. It was me who screwed up. See, I wouldn't have blamed her for rejecting me, but I certainly blamed myself for rejecting her. (Thus, the lies we tell ourselves so we can sleep at night and not cry ourselves to sleep.) And why am I bringing this up now? I matured a lot the last few years. Some things I struggle with, but my goal is to be honest and upright at all times. I really hate saying this, but I was at fault. It was easier for me to say she rejected me because the truth was much harder to live with. The way I beat myself up for that over the years is punishment enough. I simply could not live with what I did to such a pure and kind soul. I'm trying to break from who that person was and be who I need to be, regardless. It won't change the past or present. But, God pointed out quite a few things the last few months I needed to rectify. Blaming everyone else for stuff is not right. I threw a lot of people under the bus. I'm sorry, Cindy. You get the first apology. I shamelessly abused you on my blog and feel sick to my stomach about it. Whereas I felt she treated me with infinite respect — such as how Ruth approached Boaz — I behaved in the opposite way. I treated the woman I love dearly in a despicable way. Something I've been asking God about a lot lately is how do I apologize for what I've done or restore what I've stolen from people in my life. I feel we are to repent when we've done wrong and strive to make a situation right. Please pray the answer will be apparent and I am faithful to do the right thing.
As for the rest of my life, I'm not sure what to say. If I have any updates about looking for a job and such, it is that I feel God said I need to be patient. His timing is not always our timing. And to trust and obey. I feel I'm going in the right direction, but with such a big decision, I will defer to God, who clearly knows best and has my best interests (and those in my care) in mind. There is no hurry. Either I do things the right way, or I don't want to do it at all. See? Maturity.
Also, I hope y'all are having a swell hot girl summer (depending on where you live in the world). I know I am.
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