my careless contagion

Recently, I've been reviewing old posts, refurbishing some, marveling at others. One was a Father's Day post from 2021, shortly before I moved to Nebraska. (The ones I wrote to Cindy always floor me, as how can a human being say no to someone who loved them that much? I simply don't understand. My girlfriend simply said she was a "dumb b*tch," but the truth is perhaps more nuanced. One thing about narcissism is it’s basically the outcome of living in chronic fear. But fear is still a choice, so they are choosing their behavior.) For some reason, I became aware of my father's state of late. He turned 80 in February. When I tell people his age, they cringe. Old Vietnam War vets don't live as long as others from the same era. Living in and breathing in Agent Orange does that to you.  Alan Cumming's memoir is not for everyone, though I think we all can relate to some degree. I was drawn to the book, which I found on a bookshelf in the clubhouse where my p...

How many years did I wonder about you? I asked God if you were even out there, if there was anyone for me at all. So many times I asked Him about you, gave Him a list of things I wanted, begged and pleaded, eventually giving up. And you gave up too. We walked alone so many years, or with liars and cheats, people who couldn't love us, couldn't see us. I flung myself at brick wall after brick wall, hoping someday something would stick. I only broke myself. Finally, I abandoned the search. On Christmas Day, I gave up, mourning a last unsuccessful bid for love. My eyes turned toward God, accepting defeat. I laid my heart at His feet. I told Him to give it to whomever He wished.  You said you gave up too. I wonder if you laid your heart at His feet like I did. What did He do with those two hearts at His feet? Did he see how they fit? He surely did. Those two searching hearts, abused for so long, abandoned and neglected. How easily they fit together, like they were made for one anoth...

A post no one asked for. My last post was kind of like the movie 28 Hours Later. This one is more like 28 Days Later. (Those who've seen the film will recognize the photo of him waking from his hospital bed to a very different reality.) If I'm still here writing when it's time for 28 Years Later, shoot me. Honestly, though, the comparison of my love life to a zombie apocalypse is apropos.  I can see why, in the old days, jilted lovers ended up in the loonie bin or went off to join the Foreign Legion. Because so many of your thoughts are about one person, and when that person leaves your life, you still think about them (synapses gotsta synapse), and your own thoughts become enemies. You can't escape your own brain. I don't know why my reaction was so powerful, but the upside of having an explosive emotional reaction is getting over it fast.  It doesn't simmer or twist or churn inside. Just felt what I needed to feel and was done.  I'll never feel those thing...

Nine years ago this month I gave up alcohol, which I believed God told me to do. That obedience spawned many blessings — blessings which I am still counting today as they multiply. In case you're wondering why I chose the above photo for this post, it's because I liked it. Yes, I know it has nothing to do with my testimony, but it gives me warm fuzzies and so does this post.  Yes, this blog is mostly dormant now. I wrote a lot here over the course of more than five years. (Nearly 600 posts!) But, I can't miss this opportunity to thank and praise God for the freedom from alcoholism, which is something that plagued my family line and snared me for the better part of 16 years. I know the reasons I started drinking and how my mental, physical, and spiritual health suffered as a result of using alcohol to deal with situations. It's amazing the toll it took on me, though. Alcohol clearly made my life worse. It numbed me for a short time, but it made my life worse.  Do I still...

The book of Jonah isn't very long, yet it contains a brilliant little story that is often overlooked. We've been taught the story since Sunday school, but how much have we pondered what actually happened and the ridiculousness of this story? Read on if you'd like to take a moment to consider the reality of what happened in this story of stubborn Jonah. Here is the story if you'd like to re-read it before we begin . This is not an exhaustive treatise; just observations on this little book. I've often thought that if I were ever to be like one of God's prophets, I would most resemble Jonah, as he was full of anger and bitterness. I'm no longer full of anger, though, as I spent much time being humbled in my walk and also because I've forgiven much. Why was Jonah so angry with God and the Ninevites, anyway? He was angry with the Ninevites because they were mortal enemies of his people, the Jews. They persecuted and pillaged and killed the Jews for quite some...

Eight years ago I embarked on a new adventure. It was time to move. I was living in Ohio but learned my ex was pregnant (April 1, actually) while we were visiting my parents in Florida. I wanted to be the best dad I could be. For some reason, God took this heart desire and led me out of Ohio, leaving sinful practices behind.  One of those sins was alcoholism. It was in April eight years ago I quit drinking. I memorialize this fact every year because it was a miracle. Everything God does for us is a miracle, but this was quite a big one. I was mired in self-defeat and suicidal thoughts. I was literally trying to kill myself with drink, though I didn't even understand the reasons why. When I stopped drinking, it opened the door to further obedience, which opened more doors and brought about more miracles. In the years that followed, I became free in many more ways.  It shows you God takes what little we do, what little we give Him, and multiplies it. Give Him a little obedience ...

There is beauty in everything, even in endings, autumn reminds us. When we see the colors appear in the leaves, we say their color is changing. We say green is their normal color, but actually green is summer. Their true colors are revealed in fall when the chlorophyll drains away. What we see as a change is actually a revealing. What autumn means is we finally get to see what was under it all. In that way, fall is the most honest of seasons. Perhaps that is why I love it. Yes, it is that time again. Time for my annual ode to fall, my favorite season. I wish it wasn't so short in the Black Hills because the crispness of the air is intoxicating, though a bit unnerving because I know winter is not far away. I start to notice leaves changing in mid-August and by the end of the month, it's all around me. When September comes, the calendar says fall is still weeks away, but I know it's already here. There is a noticeable shift from one season to another, a moment when you realiz...

The Giving Tree is a metaphor for ... well, giving human beings. I use it here that way. I realize Shel Silverstein was a certified creep . And, I know many now say the book is a metaphor for enabling and abusive behavior. I don't disagree. But, looking at the book without any of that, what is your first impression? It's sad, of course. But, it's also hopeful. And, it is about endless giving, which is beyond my comprehension. I believe that is how Jesus tells us to live. We are to give until there is no more to give. And then give more.  I know a person who exemplifies that giving spirit. This post is dedicated to her. After I learned more about her father, I saw where she got some of her tendencies. And her big heart that loves God and His creatures. I thank God every day I got to know that girl. I fell in love with her heart and will love it forever — even after I die — because it reminds me of God's love. She is the giving tree. She shows God's love. She makes me...

The story of the woman with the alabaster box has been preached around the world in every country, just as Jesus said it would. It is a very important depiction of a believer's relationship with Jesus, as I will try to reveal. It is a special story I hope to do justice. Below is the excerpt from Luke (Luke 7:36-50), though it is found in each of the gospel accounts. It appears there are two similar, separate accounts of two different women. One involves Mary , brother of Lazarus. She is named. This woman is not named, though she is designated a sinner (aren't we all?). This particular account occurred about a year before Jesus was crucified. It could be she knew Jesus would die for her sins. We don't know. What we do know is she knew Jesus was the Savior. She was genuinely repentant and full of love for Jesus. But, there is more to the story. Let's begin. *** 36  And one of the Pharisees desired him that he would eat with him. And he went into the Pharisee's ...