What it means to fall

There is beauty in everything, even in endings, autumn reminds us. When we see the colors appear in the leaves, we say their color is changing. We say green is their normal color, but actually green is summer. Their true colors are revealed in fall when the chlorophyll drains away. What we see as a change is actually a revealing. What autumn means is we finally get to see what was under it all. In that way, fall is the most honest of seasons. Perhaps that is why I love it.

Yes, it is that time again. Time for my annual ode to fall, my favorite season. I wish it wasn't so short in the Black Hills because the crispness of the air is intoxicating, though a bit unnerving because I know winter is not far away. I start to notice leaves changing in mid-August and by the end of the month, it's all around me. When September comes, the calendar says fall is still weeks away, but I know it's already here. There is a noticeable shift from one season to another, a moment when you realize one is gone and the other took its place.

Fall says there is beauty even in death. There is wonder in that final surrender. What I call the capriciousness of females is something else entirely. Men choose to see women as ever-changing maelstroms of emotion. One day she loves you, and the next she may hate you. Or simply feel nothing at all. We call them storms for a reason. But maybe calling them seasons is better. Everyone goes through personal seasons: times of plenty, leanness, drought, chaos, etc. Every human lives through seasons. When a woman leaves my life, that is a season of loss for me. Maybe she found something better. For her, it could be a season of plenty. Maybe she just entered her spring or summer and the best moments of her life. I don't know. All I know is my own season. 

Autumn teaches us what it means to fall. It teaches us about the end. Those leaves on the ground turn to new life come next spring, nourishing growth for years to come. What it means to fall is simple. They exit one sphere of life and enter another. In a way, autumn is a corridor from one phase of life to another. How many people have I lost in my life? Too many. But every ending becomes another beginning if we are open to it. 

When I love a woman, it is without constraint. It is a beautiful thing. But when a woman decides I'm not for her, that love has nowhere to go. But down. On the ground. Like those leaves that pile up and get blown about by the stiff winds of winter. It degrades and becomes food for a future love, perhaps. It feeds something — somewhere. Where it goes, I don't know. When love dies in one of our seasons, it is resurrected in another. It's that simple. I know those women who said they loved me in the past are now loving another. How did that happen? They went through their seasons. Love never disappears. It just changes form, coming back somewhere in the future in a different form and with a different person. 

What it means to fall is to admit something is gone. It's not coming back. We had no choice in it. It came in when it did and left when it did. Seasons, like love, are changeable. Holding onto a season that is gone means not embracing what is right here right now. You tell me I'm wrong, that people aren't like that, that some stay all your life, all year through, every year. Life taught me everything I know. No one stays. There is no forever. True love and a woman who binds herself to you for life are paper towns, things we are taught are real and experienceable but which we never actually experience. They don't exist. Seasons exist. I feel them every day. I experienced 44 years of them. True love I never experienced. Do I put too much blame on women? No, I don’t blame anyone. And how can you blame the seasons for changing? Enjoy them while they are here. Accept that they change.

When a woman who once told you she loves you runs from you or gives excuses not to be with you, her seasons changed. I experienced this my whole life. (And I blame none of them.) True, it could be me. They see something they didn't see before. Maybe I'm boring. Maybe I'm too damaged. It doesn't matter. The outcome is the same. But I think I'm a good guy who a lot of women could be happy with. I'm respectful and loving and gentle and caring and I love God. And I'm not a dim man, either. But, for some reason, many women turned away when I was in their grasp and ended up with another man instead. They didn't see their future in my eyes. That's all I can say. They saw something in my eyes, but it wasn't for them. I'll never know what it was or why I wasn't what they wanted. Just like I can't change the seasons, I can't change them. I must embrace the season of loss in order to gain something in the future. That is my lesson. That is what it means to fall. It's a necessary step on the path toward finding love.

You say, "Joshua, this is a sad story you're telling," and I agree. Autumn is a bit sad. It is books by a steamed-up window, hot tea nearby, blankets, and rain. It's a bit of a capricious season, changing rapidly from sunny and clear to overcast and blustery. It can be stormy or it can be calm. You may get it all in one day. But, friends, I embrace the sadness because I know it is necessary. I must feel sad in order to one day feel lightness and love and joy again. (And that is how love should feel.) Something even sadder: I gauged how much I loved someone by how much it hurt when they left. 

I liken myself to an oak tree, as I hang onto things too long. Have you noticed? Oak trees hang onto their leaves through fall and winter, only to shed them in spring. That is me. The new growth of leaves pushes off the old leaves. Oak trees are considered slow and cumbersome trees, but they are strong, hard, and powerful. They grow slowly but are some of the sturdiest of trees. I am like that. I am a clenched fist, holding onto that which I don't want to let go, reluctantly letting go at the last possible moment. That is me. That is my heart. Sure, it is necessary I let go. But when is up to me. 

***

I have been going through a lot of stuff lately. I'm sorry I can't say more right now. It is probably best if I do it this way. What I do is leave things in God's hands because I found the end of myself. I'm spending a lot of time on Tumblr (when am I not?). I may post my Tumblr on here, and if anyone cares, they can keep up on me there. I haven't abandoned this blog. I'm committed to my therapy. But my endless flailing about is tiring. I want to write with solidity. I'll get there. All I know is God is doing something. I just don't know what it is yet.

In other news, I got a new vehicle (which hasn't arrived yet). I looked at different brands from what I'm used to. I really wanted a particular vehicle because I thought it was beautiful (beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I know). It was a Ford Edge Titanium in a really pretty blue. It had all the options and more. It was something I could get excited about. But, I figured I was at a point where I didn't know what my future income would be and found it best to stick with what I know. I'm an adult. Sometimes we have to make boring decisions. (The cool thing was I purchased it online through Carvana, which was a new experience for me.) Still, I saved money on car insurance, and everyone — especially adults — likes saving money. 

So, I've been thinking a lot lately. What happened. What did I do wrong. How could I let the perfect girl get away again. How can I even go on living. As you can imagine, it has been pretty dramatic, living in my brain. Most of the questions were already answered. My prayers are answered, and that is all I can say. I am content with God's answers. We don't get all the answers at once. That's where faith comes in. Though I sought God thousands of times to change my heart if it is His will, my heart remains the same. And, though I am experiencing a needlecast period, it won't last forever. If you don't know what that means, it means I'm in a rather ugly state right now. But I will likely survive, given time and care. 

But I did come to an interesting conclusion, one which I'm surprised I came to so late. It goes something like this. Cindy and I have somewhat different belief systems. I can't make the judgment that one is more right or more wrong. They're just not the same. And that brought about a number of misunderstandings and miscommunication. Cindy is a hardcore Christian. A godly woman. Her faith is strong, probably stronger than mine. In fact, I am in awe of her faith. Her Christianity is almost Catholic in nature, with the attendant self-flagellation; perfectionism; legalism; multitudinous fears; and emphasis on the external, punishment, excellence, high achieving, service (putting others before oneself), and kindness to others. (My two (or, perhaps, three) best friends growing up were Catholic and had those tendencies. I admired all of them greatly and strove to be like them.) I could go on. It's a bit of a mixed bag, but more on the positive side. Perhaps I have it all wrong. Regardless, whatever her belief system, it is working for her. The love she shows those around her is breathtaking. The way she treats others is positively selfless. She constantly surprises with her pureness and sweetness of spirit. I simply don't have the words to describe how much I admire her and what lives inside her. (Little does she know I am in love with that heart of hers.) She is the truest model for the Proverbs 31 woman I've ever found. The fruit of the spirit is evident. She exceeds me in every way. My belief system and Christianity are different, though may be harder to describe. (She was probably right about my negative self-talk. My general belief system is good things don't happen to me. I resolved to stop cursing myself. The tongue can create life or death.) Those differences played a big role in how we comported ourselves, and not just over the last five years. I admire Cindy more than any other woman. I admired what made her different. I admired her beliefs, her resolve, her loyalty, her grace, the way she loves, and even the way she patiently shed a good who couldn't get over the best thing he ever had (truly, it was lightness, joy, peace, freedom, and everything it was supposed to be).

I loved her completely and accepted her wholly. She could literally do no wrong in my eyes. (Someday, she may realize how rare that is. I already realize how rare it is.) She was the only woman I loved to that unnerving depth, a depth from which I never returned. I got lost in her, but somehow in my lostness, God found me. I thought I knew God. But I never knew Him like this. If anything good came of the last five years, it is that He found me, fixed me, and showed me that no matter the depths of my despair, His love always goes deeper. Take care, everyone. I hope you are enjoying autumn or whatever season it is where you are. I don't know what the future holds for me, but I know Who holds my hand. 

I have another post coming up. I just have to edit the text and add photos. It may be rudimentary to most, but it helped me quite a bit. God is helping me! I feel so blessed! 

Thank you for reading, and God bless.

Click here for my new blog, None Dare Call It Treason.