On love and choosing
At the hoary age of 44, I've gained some knowledge and understanding. Which is good. I didn't always have much in my younger years. I'm reading the book of Proverbs during church services (actually more of a Bible study), which I've been holding weekly since December of last year. Proverbs is written to young men, but, naturally, everyone can benefit from reading it. I want my son to soak it up. I wish I had done the same when I was a young man. It would have saved me a ton of heartache. The last 25 years could have been the best of my life. Instead, they were filled with darkness and pain. I realize no one is likely reading this blog anymore. There is nothing I can do about that. This blog is my therapy, so will continue to write as I feel compelled. This post is possibly a counterpoint to my last post. It is logical and biblical.
I apologize in advance (if anyone actually reads here). This post is long and convoluted. It contains things that helped me process major disappointments. I have an insane amount of really complicated and stressful stuff going on. I'll get through it. Or not. Haha. Regardless, these are my opinions. Anyone reading should take it with a grain of salt.
Let me start off by saying I've made a lot of mistakes. Once I confessed them as sin, they were gone, as far as God is concerned. They didn't stay in my head and heart. They were blotted out. Like they never existed. The devil likes to remind me of my mistakes. But, without the cleansing blood of Jesus, I couldn't walk with God. I take the attitude God takes with my confessed sin. It is literally gone. Wiped out. I am free forever. It is important to remember where my righteousness comes from. It does not come from me. Once a sin is confessed, it is like it never existed. The devil is the accuser of the brethren and does not wish that I forget. But that is not God's attitude toward me, nor should it be mine. Who the Son sets free is free indeed! I want to start with that thought because it is beautiful. That is love. The rest of this post deals with issues of love, but human love falls far short of God's love. I have the best kind of love a person can have. Though I felt sorry for myself for my many love woes, the Creator of the universe loved me enough to die for my sins. How bad can I feel knowing that?
I realized recently while reading the Bible that everything is a choice. Proverbs is a good example. Do this and that happens. Do this other thing and something else happens. It is mathematical. God created the world in a mathematical way. So, too, did He create the laws that govern human behavior and morality. It's pretty simple. You can reduce the meaning of life to one verse in Ecclesiastes, in fact. Life is complicated only because we make it so.
The Bible tells us to love God. It's the most important commandment. The second is similar, which is to love one another (and all the rest hang on those two). If you do the first, you'll naturally do the second. We need only one commandment. Two if we want two. And ten if you're really gung ho. Think about the first commandment. It's simple but reveals something, which is we can choose who we love. If we can choose to love God, we can choose to un-love God, or any person, for that matter. Love is a choice, just like any other.
When two people choose each other and fall in love, the result should be lightness, joy, freedom, intimacy, trust, (and if they are Christian) walking together with God. It should be fun. Yes, I know relationships sometimes need work and can be hard for periods of time, but that should not characterize the entire relationship. Those moments are exceptions. Stated another way, you get to spend your life with someone who is a friend to your soul and you shouldn't feel they are trying to harm you, only help you and walk with you. True, they can't solve your problems, but they can walk with you through them. That is what friends do. Even our relationship with God can be characterized as friendship. Indeed, Abraham was called the friend of God.
When my ex cheated on me with one of her co-workers, she fell in love with him. She told me so. She cried and I told her love is a choice. (At least I knew that much back then.) That's all it is. It is a choice we make every day — whether we realize it or not — day in and day out. She chose to love another. She could have easily chosen to keep loving me. She didn't. Such is my life (if I had a dollar for every time that happened), but I digress. Enough of my sob story. God loves me.
Romantic love, as seen in movies and books, and love songs is different. It's wild and unpredictable and fickle. Easy come, easy go. That love doesn't seem to exist except in name. It's more like lust. Attraction. The need to mate. Whatever. Don't call it love, though. Or do. I don't care. That's not the kind of love I want. I want the kind where a woman chooses me. And then loves me. Through everything. Because hard times come and go. Good times change us. When she chooses me, she'll love me through everything. When the preacher asks the bride and groom if they will love one another, they are making a choice. Marriage is a godly institution. Built on a choice. If I haven't made my point clear, I will continue.
A friend recently went through a breakup. It was horrible. I tried to be helpful. I tried to simply be there. Listen. Offer what little advice I could. As a divorced middle-aged man with a track record of heartache, I feel uneasy giving advice. Well, other than to pray and see what God says. I wanted to say, "Hey, you can just choose to feel something else." Which is terrible advice for someone going through something like that. You can't choose much of anything at that moment. You feel what you feel, and when you've felt it enough, you move to the next emotion, which is more stable. It's called the exhaustion phase. It's why people fall in and out of love. It's EXHAUSTING to be in love. Well, the kind of love the world breeds. The real kind — the kind you choose based on what you admire about someone — is amazing. And it lasts forever. Love is an act of the will. We can will to love someone or not, regardless of how we feel. Yes, you can feel love for someone. But you choose to love them first. Choose first. Love second.
That's where I've been the last 5 years. I chose to love a woman. I kept choosing. Why? I admired everything about her. What is inside her is simply beautiful. She is a rare flower in a desert blasted by heat and disease. I picked her and took her home where she withered. God replanted her in stable ground. I love her from a distance now. She is what I want. I don't want a woman like her. I want her. Period. It doesn't matter that she doesn't love me (or even wants to be my friend). Loving someone doesn't hurt them. It can only help (I pray for her diligently). Yes, my approach will be respectful of her wishes. That is why I can't show her gestures of romantic love. I must keep my thoughts and feelings to myself (and you, dear readers). But, really, who is alarmed by someone who loves them? Unless said person is a stalker or something. But that's not love. She will feel no danger from me. Love is respectful. If it isn't wanted, it goes away. But it doesn't stop loving.
In the past, I didn't always do that. I was the infamous Pepe Le Pew. When you chase something, that implies it is running from you. It was true in this case. It was her choice to run. She gave every excuse possible and then some. Some I had never heard before. Some made me laugh they were so ridiculous. But they all said the same thing. Stop chasing me. (She won. She got her way. I don't want to be the bad guy who chases a girl who isn't interested.) Why wouldn't she want to be with a good, godly man who wouldn't hurt her but would treat her with love and respect all his days? Why would she push a godly man who would treat her right out of her life? Who would advise her to do that? I don't know. Perhaps this is sour grapes and I am biased. Maybe I'm not that guy. It doesn't matter anymore. Now she wishes I would find a nice girl so I will leave her alone. But, I can't help but feel wronged. The devil steals, kills, and destroys, and I absolutely feel something wonderful was stolen from me, killed, and destroyed — twice. My only recourse is to give it to God, which I have done. There is literally nothing else I can do. Recently, I was reading my secret blog, which dealt with so many things. It's fascinating. The things I went through shredded any secret desires I had to not follow God. I believe I heard God's voice all along, though my following Him wasn't perfect. Regardless of how everything turned out, I got the best thing.
I didn't try to manipulate or control that girl. (If I tried to manipulate her, it wasn’t what she thought. If anything, by showing the worst of myself, I drove her away. If that sounds illogical, take a good look at my life. I’m not exactly the most self-serving person. Whatever happened or whatever I wanted to happen, the result was not in my favor.) I wasn't perfect, but I loved her without asking her to love me in return. In spite of my good intentions, she may have felt manipulated, tense, or heavy in my presence, for which I apologize. I never meant to bring about anything but good things in her life. If anyone thought I intended anything else, they don't know me. God knows my heart. That's what matters. (I would never hurt her. She is beyond precious to me.) Most people are going to miss the goodness of my heart because they won't let themselves believe someone like that could exist. I look at how people chose to see my divorce and shake my head. It makes me angry, even four years later. If they only knew. But God knows. (I honestly thought someone somewhere would see me as a good guy who went through an ungodly hell. People see what they want to see, which is usually what they are used to.) I know I have problems, but I have a very tender heart. Too much so. And I'm very loyal. More loyal than I should be.
Perhaps the greatest mystery of creation — and definitely the greatest love story — is when God chose to love the world. We all know the verse. "God so loved the world ..." Why? Because He chose to love us. That simple. We didn't deserve it, for sure. That's real love. It required sacrifice. But for us, God doesn't value sacrifice over obedience. And if you love God, the Bible says you'll do His commandments. Which is easy if you love God because ... the first and most important commandment is to love God. See what He did?
I don't know what it is about me. Women fall for me, get to know me, then fall out of love. It happened countless times. It makes me wonder if real love exists. (Or if I'm really that hard to love.) Then I realized I was exhibiting the kind of love I wanted. The kind that stays. It waits. It says I choose you and no one else. A careful observer grasps the irony of my situation. Whatever the future holds, it is clear I need to get healthy before moving forward. Cue the suspense. Haha. (I wish my life was suspenseful.)
Why was I obsessed with loving a woman? Or finding love? It was what I didn't have. Perhaps I showed the kind of love I wanted in hopes someone would choose to love me the same way. It didn't happen. If I look hard enough, someday someone somewhere might do the same for me. Or I'll just give the whole thing to God, who can surely do more with it than me. They say hope is a bad plan. I think prayer and obedience is a good plan. God keeps telling me one thing. It's many verses that basically say the same thing. When you seek Him, He answers.
Naturally, there exist gray areas in human relations. It's not all making choices. If a Christian is having problems choosing the right thing and staying out of trouble, it could be they are weak. It could also mean something is interfering with their spiritual walk. If something is slowing down, stopping, or reversing spiritual growth and progress, this is likely the work of demons, which can be cast out. Jesus and His disciples spent much of their time casting demons out. It is a neglected and vital part of Christianity. Even Judas did it. If he hadn't, the rest of the disciples would have wondered what was wrong with him. They never suspected he was "a devil," as Jesus called him because he did the same thing as the other disciples. Healed the sick, cast demons out, etc. Most churches aren't even doing as well as Judas.
Another thing that can affect a Christian's ability to choose is soul ties. There are two types of soul ties: godly and ungodly. Godly soul ties are nearly impossible to break. They are a three-fold cord (two people and God). Godly soul ties are good. They exist between believers and married folk, etc. (if they have God). Ungodly soul ties can be broken in the name of Jesus Christ. They put people in unhealthy or damaging situations (usually a believer and an unbeliever or two unbelievers). If someone has the effect on you of drawing you into sin such as drinking, swearing, lust, drugs, etc., you may want to break ungodly soul ties. Bad company corrupts, the Bible says. I had an ungodly soul tie with my ex, which drew me into sin. I was a believer living like an unbeliever. She did get saved, though. She's a good Christian now. This story had a happy ending because God prevailed. Let me clarify. I'm not talking about the natural feeling of being drawn to someone we admire or have a relationship with. Nor am I talking about charisma (given by God), which is strong but benign, such as a pastor and congregation has. I'm talking about something that leads us astray and causes problems in our walk. The difference can be seen with my son who, if he spends time with certain kids, starts acting like them. Who he spends his time with can determine his behavior.
The really nasty ungodly soul ties are the ones that come through abuse and trauma. Some people call it trauma bonding, but those ties are extremely strong, almost unbreakable. In trauma-based mind control (which I endured in a disorganized manner), it is turned into a binding ritual. Perhaps those in the above photo know something about that. I know people who endured abuse/trauma can be set free. It can take a lot of time and care, in addition to spiritual warfare.
Then there are curses, which have a constraining or binding effect. Curses can bind you to people, situations, and experiences that are unfruitful or destructive. A curse could be as simple as saying something negative (life and death are in the tongue). Or it could be as elaborate as something a witch might do. Curses can be broken in the name of Jesus Christ. Those are some practical considerations. But, by and large, our actions are choices. When dealing with the devil, our actions are choices up to a certain point, but with repeated sinning, we give our volition to the devil. Consider alcoholism and drug addiction. Those people can no longer choose. They are wholly controlled in that aspect of their lives. They may function well in other areas, though. Still, whatever ails a person, God has a solution. By the way, you can try all of these things on unbelievers (except casting demons out, as that is the children's bread) and could perhaps free them enough to get them saved. As an added thought to this category, God promises to curse those who return evil for good. That includes many people in my life. The person I am can’t stand the thought of that, so I break curses over those who did that to me. I would want them to do the same for me.
If someone wants to go in a direction that is against their best interests, that could simply be their free will operating. Once you've tried all the spiritual warfare you know and that person still chases after hurt, it is likely they are simply doing what they want. Turn them over to God at that point. I did that with people in my life. Wash your hands of it. Shake off the dust from your shoes and carry on.
What about my situation? It clearly didn't work out. Sometimes that happens. My love situation is my choice. I am free to make decisions. I don't feel constrained by anything in the spiritual realm. Though I love one woman, it seemed possible I could "move on" with another eventually. God showed me that was problematic. Also, there exists another wrinkle, which I refer to as a blockage in my heart. That block took hold during my divorce and only strengthened since. I could explain it, but this is already a long post. It prevents me from moving forward. I brought it to God. I don't have a solution. It's in God's hands.
God doesn't tell us who to love except God Himself. He lays down guidelines for human behavior and marriage, for instance, but never tells us who to love. The power to choose who to love is well within the realm of free will and is changeable. I'm happy with who I love. I don't want to love another. It is that simple. I'm not asking anyone to love me. I'm not asking anyone, even myself, to change. What is safe about the love I chose is that I know no one will hurt me. My heart has been through too many literal hells. Now for the exciting news: I believe God is opening a doorway to healing. I am extremely excited about that.
The Bible talks about guarding one's heart. It is a good admonition. When one guards something, one can let something in ... or out. It is important to guard what we let out of our hearts, as well as what we let in. I'm not in danger of anything wanting in. My divorce put a block in my heart. I brought this situation to God. Only He has the solution. So many are obsessed with getting God on their side. I'm not concerned about that. I'm concerned about getting on God's side. Right now, my focus is on the first commandment, prayer, and obedience. It's a good plan. God loves all of us. Let's love Him back. (I John 4:19)
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Now for final thoughts.
As much progress as I've made with writing therapy and in my walk with God, I am not finished. God gave me this venue to delve into uncomfortable and ugly topics that are necessary for healing. I feel there are at least two more phases to this process.
The girl I love likely doesn't read here anymore. Surely, after seeing my heart and comparing it to her lack of desire to be with me, she would have told me long ago to knock it off, that I was only prolonging my misery. "Move on, Joshua," she would have said. (I wish she had just been nasty to me. It would have made moving on easier. Likewise, when I said nasty things about her in the past, it was because I was trying to move on. Sometimes we have to make someone a bad guy in order to do so. Clearly, both making her the bad guy and moving on didn't work.) But, I don't believe God tells us who to love (or not love), except God Himself, and she was probably just following His example. Who can tell another who to love or not to love? Regardless, it's probably best I go through this alone.
I chose a woman — based on her good qualities, godly attitudes, and how well we fit — and that was it. Then I fell in love. I felt tremendous joy having her in my life. When she left my life, I fell more in love because I saw those qualities magnified. It didn't work out for me, but that's my luck. That is how love works: make a choice; go with it. If they don't love you back, that's the only thing that can go wrong. That truly sucks. Don't ask me what to do then. I think you're supposed to try again with someone else, which I'm unable to do. Also, it appears I ruined a budding friendship with her. We talked quite a bit this summer and I was thrilled that she reached out to me. We had good conversations, but I went and ruined it. I am not sure what to do. I asked God to show me how to properly talk to her. Gave the whole thing to God to sort out.
Clearly, I have things to work through, but the revelation in this post (likely rudimentary to most) gives me a better understanding and a viable solution. Yes, I know God can change a man's heart, too, and there are references to that in the Bible. I optioned to do nothing and gave this entire situation to God. If He desires to change my heart, it is in His hands. I'm tired. Loving someone gives me a reason to live. I gave God the keys to my heart. If He wants to remove someone and plant someone else, so be it.
Moving on. The more I mature as a Christian, the less patience I have for my old ways. I am changing rapidly and made tremendous progress spiritually. I feel sick when I start to go down an old path to sin. The movies I watch are different now. (If I can even finish a movie.) Different books. I seek out better and more nourishing pastimes. I hardly ever listen to music. My conversations with God and others are completely different. The things I pray about are different. I am not the same man.
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