Love letters to a beautiful soul
My Tumblr posts weren't about anyone in particular. Just stuff I liked. If it sounded nice, I would reblog it. I created a place of beauty. Many people probably thought I was a woman (a man actually asked me to be his sugar baby — ugh) or perhaps a little light in my loafers, but, hey, if I want to post 6,000 photos of flowers and 19,000 love quotes, so be it. It's my place. It is a safe space. It's about healing. Life-affirming. All that. I get on Tumblr nearly every day for those reasons.
I thought perhaps I could post my Tumblr link here for others to enjoy, but I'm pretty sure no one even reads here. Also, it's not hard to find. And I doubt anyone is interested in perusing it. The greatest value of Tumblr isn't what I post, though. It's what shows up in my feed. I get so much out of what others post. It's a community of sorts. Some of those people I care for greatly. I get tremendously sad when one of them signs off for good. Like, wait, no. You can't do that. People are always leaving. Please don't go! But, everyone has to do what they have to do. People go. Enjoy them while they are here. Someone new is on the way in while someone else is on the way out. The sad thing is we are all irreplaceable. You may get someone else in your life, but it's not the same. One of the lessons I learned in the last few years is to accept the company of others, even if it isn't the company you'd like. Being alone all the time was unhealthy. I feel better being around people. It's a concession I had to make for my health. At least temporarily. I admit it is a bit of a band-aid, but the alternative was too much time alone, which was unhealthy.
What I realized with a gasp not long ago is I was writing love letters to someone I knew. I was doing it for myself. I was posting from my heart. I was the beautiful soul. I was the one who loves and keeps on loving, no matter what. I was the one who was eternally hopeful and patient and kind and compassionate, who would do anything for those he loves. My heart is one big, beating love letter. I don't like talking about myself like that, so this revelation was a bit muted. In searching for love, I became the kind of love I wanted someone to show me. Whoever gets this man gets a treasure in his chest that was planted by God. He made me this way. I don't know why my life has been so hard or why heartache has never ceased. But I know it won't always be this way. I also know God uses our brokenness to complete things in us that cannot be done any other way. God creates beautiful gardens from broken hearts if we give them to Him. Not only that, but it enables us to minister to those who endured unspeakable trauma. What we go through is what we are able to help someone else through when God sends them across our path. Think of what I've been through and all the abuse and trauma and betrayal and that is exactly what I am able to help someone else through. I can say, "Yes, God got me through that. Here is how."
I don't know what the future holds. (I keep saying that.) But I know I'm coming out of tremendous darkness and entering a new day. What happens is not up to me. I am not in charge. I can barely remember to put my socks on before I leave in the morning. No, God is making something new. It is already taking root. There is a story in Ezekiel where God raises up an army from dry bones. I repeatedly felt God impress that story upon me. What is dead and gone can live again! Praise God. I am so full of hope right now, I don't even know what to say. I don't have the vocabulary for what is in my heart. I knew God could do it. I just didn't see how. I still don't, but I'm getting a glimpse behind the curtain. My progress is not linear. I have days when I leap ahead and days when I take a step back. I know what to stay away from and what is helpful. Sometimes, making my life manageable is what I try to do, but God blows that open with new experiences and chances to grow. I can feel Him telling me the choice is mine: to grow or not to grow. Opportunities always exist.
I've been so focused on what I lost, I didn't see what God was doing. I had to hand over my heart — heartache and all — in order to see things change. Whoever God gives my heart to in the future, I know I can love without holding back. She'll do me good and not evil all the days of my life. And, if God has me stay this way, I will continue to grow. There are advantages to everything. I get jealous sometimes when I see a happy couple crossing the street or playing with their kids in the park. I always hoped that would be me with the woman I loved. If that isn't in the cards, God surely has something better. Trust and obey.
The great miracle of waiting for God to do something is not what He does in other people but what He does in us. After the tragedy of divorce and in waiting for a girl to come back to me, God used that time to change me in ways I never imagined. I am not the same man. I am more stable, more mature, more patient, and unshakably His. The parable of the little lost sheep comes to mind, especially when one considers how that process is completed. The shepherd will take a sheep that keeps getting lost and break its leg so it can't go anywhere. It sounds cruel but listen. Then the shepherd carries the sheep on his shoulders so it will bond to him. During the time it takes to heal, that sheep creates a bond with the shepherd that ensures it will never again go astray. That is me, dear friends. That is the picture of what Jesus accomplished in my life. He used my brokenness to destroy anything in me that would take me away from Him.
God gave me the heart of David. David was not perfect. He made huge blunders but always repented. Whereas King Saul's heart was hardened by reproof, David's grew more tender. He had the heart of a shepherd so surely saw what God was doing. All my exasperated writings about love led to me the fountain of love — to Jesus Christ and my Heavenly Father. When a person is broken, they must stay close to a source of love because it won't stay inside. It spills out. They can't go far or long without returning to that source. God is my source. And I know no one could possibly love me like that. And I can't love anyone else like that. But I want to love like Jesus loves. The Bible says a husband is to give himself to his family just like Jesus gave Himself for us. How many husbands do that? That is how I will minister to the woman in my life if God blesses me with that again. If not, someone else will benefit. Love must love.
All I wanted in life was to love and be loved. I'm doing that. For the first time in a long time, I'm okay. I'm happy. I feel like God is in control. It takes the burden off me to say that. I'm not in control. I gave every part of my life to Him. I gave every part of my body to Him (starting at my toes and naming all the parts to the top of my head). My heart is in His hands. My life and death don't belong to me. If anything good or pure or beautiful comes from my life, I cannot take credit. I'm not making the case that I am always okay or forever healed. Just in a better place than last year, last month, etc. For all the many aspects of our lives, we have the opportunity to trust God or not. Some aspects (our health, relationships, future, finances, friends, jobs, etc.) we give to Him more fully. We go as far as we wish. For me, the last thing I had to give God was my heart. I hung onto it so tightly. It was the final sticking point. He has it now. I hold onto nothing but His hand now.
At the risk of oversharing again, let me explain something. The woman I fell in love with is a very specific kind of woman. I'm not putting her in a box. She is what she is, not what I want her to be. I loved who she was, not who I thought she was. I didn't have illusions. She wasn't perfect, but when you love someone, they become perfect to you. I fell in love with her heart. And, I felt she valued the fact I was a godly man with a rare heart to follow God. This is a sticking point. I never found another woman who saw that as a plus. Years ago, a woman asked what my best quality was, to which I replied "my faith," and I never heard from her again. That is typical. Another story: when I bought a car for my soon-to-be-ex in Laramie, Wyoming, nearly four years ago, the salesperson was a girl named Cody (Dakota) who was about half my age. She was a Christian girl. Very kind. We talked a lot for some reason. She even invited me out that night since I was staying overnight in Laramie. It's not that girls weren't interested in me (if Cody even was) the last four years. It was that I was stuck on what I wanted. I know I'll never find the girl I fell in love with anywhere else. (Also, I want a relationship built on Christ, respect, friendship, and trust, not going to a bar.)
If you don't understand it by now, you never will. She cannot be replaced or emulated. The heart of that woman is the rarest and best thing I've ever found. I know I keep saying that. I kept telling God that is what I want. It got to the point where I had to simply give my heart to Him. It didn't appear change was possible for either of us, so that was my last recourse. If God wants to change me, He will. For some reason, He hasn't. Whatever happens is out of my hands forever. I ceded control of absolutely every aspect of my life to the Lover of my soul. He has my best interests in mind. I feel safe knowing my heart — and everything else that is me — is safe now. Feeling safe is imperative for healing. That's what was holding up my healing process. When we're putting too much energy into protecting ourselves, we neglect the healing process. I don't have to worry about protecting myself anymore. No one but me understands what an important breakthrough that is.
Though I firmly believe the woman I fell in love with is all the things I said about her, I accept that I was not what she wanted or needed. (I always thought God would bless us being together in infinite ways.) I don't know what to say about that anymore. Through the 20-plus years of my relationship with the woman I married, God prevailed. God used that heartache to drive both of us to Him. I see now from a distance what God accomplished. Normally, I wouldn't place those two in the same paragraph, but those relationships (one a blip and one quite long) taught me about the nature of love. The brokenness that I feel doesn't mean God can't use me. It just means what He puts in me spills out to those around me. That's the good news.
Healing is coming. I've been waiting for this. I've been unnerved by it but sought it. The only way to get through this is to cling to my Maker. Just like that sheep with the healed leg. After all, where else would I go? He has the words of life.
What kind of world do we live in where the feeling of safety is a luxury or a great relief? I don't know why it is like that. All I know is God offers a refuge from that world. Just a few notes on my healing process. The following have been beneficial. Not always being alone (can sometimes cause setbacks, depending on who I'm around). Nature and communing with God in the Word and prayer. Abandoning sins and band-aids that set me back or prevent me from moving forward. It may seem I'm too sensitive right now, but it is temporary. Those who are healing are in a fragile place for a time. It doesn't last forever. This is common for all those in the healing process. But, like physical therapy, you can’t sit still. You have to exercise those healing parts. Slowly at first. Then more as you heal. Finally, you don't even remember being hurt.
My mom sent me the following because she thought it pertained to me. It does. It is exactly what God has been telling me. It is confirmation.
September 20, 2021
Healing the Brokenhearted
Psalm 147:2-3
The Lord builds up Jerusalem; he gathers the exiles of Israel He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. NIV
Those are beautiful words, but the exciting thing about them is that they are being fulfilled in this generation, in our lifetime. I’ve seen the outworking of those words. I had the privilege to be living in Jewish Jerusalem in May 1948, when the state of Israel was reborn after two thousand years.
The Lord is today building up Jerusalem. He is gathering the exiles of Israel. He’s healing the brokenhearted and binding up their wounds. That’s good news for all who will turn to God. It’s good news for God’s people, Israel. It’s good news for the church of Jesus Christ, because the same God that is gathering Israel is gathering the church back to Himself, bringing us into our inheritance, healing our wounds, binding up our broken hearts.
There’s a ministry of the Holy Spirit today that’s something very special It’s a ministry to the brokenhearted. It’s a ministry to those who are wounded in their hearts. If you carry a wound inside you, turn to God, say, “God, this is a time of restoration; it’s a time of regathering. You are healing the brokenhearted. You are binding up their wounds. Lord, You know that wound I’ve carried so long in my heart; will You heal me?”
And the invisible finger of God, the Holy Spirit, will reach down where no surgeon can reach and touch that wounded place in your life and bring you healing and restoration.
— Derek Prince
Will you heal me is my heart's cry. God answered yes. Yes, I have my bad moments, but that is not the trend. Looking back over this summer, the progress I made would not have been possible had I not had significant healing. I'm not even the same man as I was in May or even July or August. Who knows what God will do with my remaining years?
***
The first three phases of this blog — which chronicles my grieving process — are complete. I’m not going to spend the rest of my time on unproductive emotions. There are at least two more phases to complete. I feel God directing me to stop talking about the hurts I sustained in life unless absolutely necessary. Believe it or not, I’m at that point where I have to let go. It is forgiven. Gone. Like it never existed. Even the memories I don’t want. Reiterating what happened isn’t helpful anymore. This is quite a milestone for me. Time to move forward. Amen?
One last thing. Many times in the Bible we see godly men argue with God and prevail. Jacob prevailed. Moses. We have the example of the persistent widow and the judge. Sometimes God seems overly harsh. I very humbly but steadfastly wrestled with God recently and feel I prevailed. I wouldn’t advise anyone to go that route unless they are absolutely sure of their position. God will listen to you, if you are sure. It is a bit of coloring outside the lines, but even Jesus broke the law by laboring on the sabbath and David did by eating the priests’ bread. The law was made for man, not the other way around. This is unrelated to the subject of this post but wanted to document it. Also, I recently received prayer and feel a lightness that wasn’t there before. Though I am cautious about being overly optimistic, it is consistent with the trend of healing, for which I praise God and God alone.
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