my careless contagion

I'm thankful for so much. I'll never be able to capture it all in this space. I dwell too often on what I don't have. Yes, I still ache for some things; I submitted my desires to God. Today I'd like to dwell on what I do have. There are no words adequate enough to describe God's many gifts. I am blessed beyond what I can articulate. Since Thanksgiving is coming up, I thought I'd at least try to articulate some of my blessings.  I was exceedingly blessed by the love shown to me by people I've known in my 44 years. I wish I had been more aware of the decisions I was making as a kid (or as an adult), but I learned to forgive myself. That's a huge blessing in and of itself: forgiveness. The forgiveness God showed me I am able to show others, including myself. Thank God for forgiveness. It is truly a get-out-of-jail-free card. I was loved greatly. And I was greatly forgiven.  I'm thankful for God's direction. I was able to essentially start over in li...

Waiting. Sometimes it drives us nuts. Sometimes it produces fruit like patience. Sometimes it does both. Hey, I'm not where I want to be in life, but I'm positive I am where God wants me to be at the moment.  Today, I said yes to a job (no start date yet, but the paperwork begins). There was no logical reason why I hadn't been able to get a job until now except God said it wasn't time. Yesterday it felt like the health problems making me feel incredibly tired and ill evaporated. I now know the cause of that feeling (low-level carbon monoxide poisoning). I wouldn't have been able to work very well in that condition. God's timing is not always our timing, but it is the best timing. This is an incredible load off my mind. All of that. Yes, when you ask God for something good, you will get it. But you may not get it right away. And there are reasons for that. I'm sorry it took me 44 years to learn that. I have to be okay with whatever God does. It is the best wa...

It's never too late to learn in God's schoolhouse. That's a good thing. What I'm learning now is hard stuff, but I never learned it along the way. If you fail to pass a test with God, He gives you chances to try again. I'm learning to trust. I'm learning to wait. That is where I am now. One of the important things about waiting is it creates assurance of a specific direction. Are you sure? No? Maybe you haven't waited long enough. God needs to know you'll follow through.  It is hard for me to do these things because of my background. I have a hard time trusting anyone, including myself. And God. Waiting goes against human nature and the flesh. But patience is a fruit of the spirit and is worth it. So, if anyone cares to pray for me, please do. I'm going through a hard time. I just have to be faithful. That's it. Please pray I do that. These things may be hard, but they are always worth it. I absolutely believe God has some really amazing blessing...

Though I may have overshared on this platform (after all, someone may actually be reading), it has a purpose. I'm going to hold back a little because what God is doing is precious and I want to focus on it. Having said that, here is a very hopeful post. Let it soak into your heart. There is always hope when one seeks God. Some things happened recently that changed the trajectory of my life. This isn’t a gee-look-how-great-I’m-doing post. And I know how far I have to go. But, it is a step in the right direction. A big step.  When I thought of moving forward with a woman, I conjured the phrase "looking for a beautiful soul and a curious mind." Then I added she must protect my heart. Quite an important afterthought. Indeed, my Tumblr says something like "love letters to a beautiful soul," though that soul was never named. It was hopeful. Like she was out there somewhere. Maybe even looking for me.  I created a Tumblr account while going through my divorce. It helpe...

She doesn't exist beside me but she will  someday she will hold my hand through thick and thin through sickness and health through poverty and wealth Even if I have to create her breathe her to life somehow she will be there Even if I don't know how I will find a way and form her out of clay and quivering breath I ache for her Hope for her and wait for her to join me someday What she looks like I don't even care what she feels like in my arms doesn't even matter she is made for me and I will treat her as the best part of me Created by desire and thousands of prayers made out of love and hope and years of plaintive tears What a woman If I hold her hand will I feel flesh or her naked soul? If I embrace her will I feel warm skin or my soul touching hers It doesn't matter what the world tells me I know she's out there It doesn't matter what my thoughts tell me my heart knows I tell my heart to wait be patient, be still sit quietly before God But I feel my heart ...

I have lost. I've lost her. I've lost many things. I don't know what else to say, but I'll probably say a bunch of stuff anyway.  The thought came crashing in on me one night: "All is lost." That thought has remained with me. I know that truly not all is lost. Still, of all the feelings that have coursed through my veins in the last year-plus, this one is preeminent. Here's the thing. I'm very practiced in letting go. My whole life I've had to let go of places, people, things, parts of myself, things precious, and things mundane. This world is ultimately temporary, and we with it.  It should not have surprised me that I had to let her — the woman of my dreams — go. It should not have surprised me that I took it so hard, either. Precious things are hard to let go. The last time I saw her, she felt she had to give her marriage another shot. I sat and prayed with her, but she seemed so far away. She had already pulled away. Before we met tha...

Here's a little gem from the pop culture abyss that is Breaking Dawn , one of the Twilight movies. I've seen this movie, of course. Vampires are cool, especially sparkly ones. This song made it to a billion views on YouTube, which seems utterly impossible to me. That's the power of a good teen movie/book/multimedia juggernaut, something that packages unbridled lust with romance and, uh, bloodlust. But, that's not my interest in this song.  The line that sticks out to me is, "I have died every day waiting for you." Although I don't consider myself a patient person, I've exhibited patience quite a bit in the past. I waited the greater part of two decades for a woman to come around and realize the kind of person I am and who she was callously abusing. My patience finally wore thin and, tragically, I realized that even if she came to her senses at some point in the future, my ability to trust her was irreparably damaged. Without trust, there ...