September
September is changes. Small at first, then bigger. By the end of the month, we hardly recognize you, September.
She begins when it is still summer. When she leaves, it is autumn. This year, when she began, I was in one place. When she ends, I'll be in another. To some, this may seem like a small change, but for me, it is big. It's bigger than the change in the air or displays in the shops.
September means the beginning of autumn. This autumn will be different from the last several. I'll get lost in it. Swallowed up in it. The leaves will change later. The snow will fly later, too. Last September, we had snow the first week of the month. Here, I don't know when it will fall.
September is my birth month. In grade school, I was one of the earliest to celebrate my birthday. I recall the school principal would come and give me a birthday card and how that felt. Surely, this man was the busiest man in the world, yet he came to wish me a happy birthday. What a wonderful moment.
I lived in the Black Hills then, but we moved away when I was 10 years old. Still, the back-to-school feeling was the same everywhere. I dreaded it, but it was exciting to see everyone again. I always felt like they grew so much and I still stayed small. The lazy energy of summer shifted to a frantic fall. When my school years ended, I spent more time enjoying the seasonal changes. I once visited an orchard and got some cider. I would take winding drives to the river and feel the crisp air and photograph the turning leaves. And just ... ah, autumn.
This September is new for me. A new place. A new job. A new way of life. What is the same is me still trying to follow God, regardless of what changes. Here or there or anywhere, I remain the same.
This September means excitement. I don't know what each day holds. Sure, I'm scared. I'll probably hunker down for a while to manage the stimulation. Or maybe I will revel in it. I know Who holds my hand, though I have no clue what tomorrow brings.
September is a reprieve from the stifling heat of summer. It is a shift toward winter but lingers, like summer and winter are wrestling it into a temporary stalemate. It is a celebration and a warning. Harvest and preparation for winter. While it lasts, I will savor the season and a place that offers four seasons (though I'm told some are rushed). It's surely better than the two seasons I'm used to (winter — all 9 months of it — and tourist season, which is nice but cannot encapsulate the other three seasons).
My prayer is this September offers welcome changes for all of us — and we accept them. My prayer is we keep what is valuable — like our faith — and find other things to enjoy. In this new place, this month will feel different, as will we, for a time. We all go through seasons of a sort. I pray to God this is a season of blessings.
***
And now for a reality check. I was disobedient regarding God's plan and blessing regarding moving. I am distraught about that. That is the worst thing I'm going through. The only thing I can do now is pray God uses my mistakes for His purposes. Words cannot describe how I feel about myself. The last few years reinforced every single negative thought about myself. This latest spiritual failure — which was accompanied by a mental and emotional breakdown — is no different.
I wrote the above post a while back, thinking I knew the future. I didn't and still do not. Since it was written, plans changed. Though I firmly believe God told me numerous times He would bless me moving, I did not have peace. I canceled my plans to move last month (as of around August 18, and, I should add, my son was disappointed we weren't moving). But, I know God has a plan, and I am firmly on His bandwagon now. He directs my steps, though my heart may be full of fear. (Joshua 1:9) In this case, my heart simply gave up. My heart — as well as everything else that is me — belongs to Him. Going forward, that knowledge will keep me safe. I have some hard times ahead (possibly years) processing this grief. I mean, we are talking about letting go of something I hung onto for almost five years and someone I loved (and still do) for most of my life. I still don't want to let go. What would you do if you lost the person who meant the most to you and is all you ever wanted? The Bible is clear that love is a choice. God wouldn't tell us to love something unless we could choose it or not. (It follows that I can simply choose to un-love her, then? It certainly means I can't make her — or anyone else — love me.) The most disappointing thing was I honestly believed Cindy and I would be together, at least as friends. It seemed so incredibly right that after so much unbelievable pain we'd both been through in our relationships, we could finally have something wonderful. What a wonderful thought! What would it even be like to be in a respectful relationship? For years, I imagined her being in my life, planned for our future, and prepared myself in every way imaginable to be everything she needs. How do I walk away from the home I built for her in my heart? It’s a part of me. I could no sooner tear myself in pieces and continue living. If you weren't paying attention, this theme is near the core of my struggles the last four-plus years. Letting go. I simply don't want to. At this point, I'm just being a jerk by not letting go. It's deeply disrespectful of her wishes. (She moved on and never looked back.) I wish I could change myself for her sake. The only thing I can do is give the whole thing — and my whole life — to God and ask Him to make something beautiful of it. I certainly haven't been able to do anything with it. What is the harm in letting go and letting God take it from my shaking hands? If left up to me, you know what I would do. Yeah, you know.
I have one more post I wrote a while back. After that, I don't know what I will write (as I am despondent and lost my most important inspiration), but I've been saying that for years. I'm going to keep quiet about the things that led to canceling moving plans as well as what I feel God is telling me to do now. Those conversations are between me and God. I may write about new things God is doing because I feel He is still doing something big — and surprising — in my life. I just want God's blessings. That's all. Sometimes we have to give up first. Sometimes we have to fail a few times before we understand God knows better than us. Sometimes God uses the most important thing in our lives to bring us to our knees — and to Him. (And sometimes we need to run from our current situation like poor Emma Watson held captive by Harvey Weinstein. And, yes, that comparison is more appropriate than you think.) But, we must be sure what we are running toward is better. (And how can we possibly know that?) I was listening to the wrong voices when making a very important decision. I'm incredibly disappointed and angry with myself. Still, it feels like God is doing something interesting. I hope to write more on this later. Things are shifting. I don't know what else to say right now. I’m praying God will open the door I closed but in a better way. I am thoroughly humbled and accepting of His guidance. I believe in a God who gives second chances. Or third, fourth, fifth … He just wants us to pass the test and grow and be near Him always. Whatever it takes. He is infinitely patient with us.
Regardless of my stupendous failures, I am convinced people will always miss the magic of who I am. If you need an explanation of that statement after reading here any amount of time, that proves my point. I will never apologize for the depth or way I love. Just because it hasn't worked out yet doesn't mean it isn't a beautiful thing. All this time — and all my life — I was searching for paper towns, things we think exist because someone says they exist. But they aren’t real. Things like true love and happy endings. (Truly, all I ever wanted was to love and be loved.) There is a tremendous amount of sadness embedded in these posts. Sometimes we have to let go of our sadness, too.
My life is one setback or disappointment or major disaster after another. You would think that after so much heartbreak, God would allow me to have something good and nourishing to my soul. My friend Michelle recently told me she was abused in all the ways I was as a child. She said she could tell by the way I acted in high school I had been, too. On top of my abusive childhood, so many of my relationships involved betrayal and heartache and chasing after something which does not exist. Nobody wants me. I'm so sick of myself. I'm so sick of this blog and my endless whining. I desperately want to move forward. (And don't care how.) This is my (and, apparently, everyone else's) core problem: what to do with Joshua. I just want to be loved. I hurt for way too long. It's time to heal.
Please pray for me. I am in unimaginable pain and am suffering greatly. All the air left the room. All the life in me left. There are no words capable of describing the sadness or loneliness or darkness that covers me, but I gave this situation and this wreck of humanity (me) to God. We'll see what He does with it. I give up.
Thank you for reading. And God bless.
Comments
Post a Comment