my careless contagion

This is a goodbye, and a hello. This will likely be my last post containing certain themes. It's not that I haven't let go. It's that some things still affect me. In all these things, my choice was to make things work. It was only with great reluctance that I was made to let go. I approached every relationship with kindness and patience. This isn't about healing. I will heal the rest of my life. Letting go is different. I had to try everything — and fail — first. It's a story that repeated. I was more than intentional. I showed up. I loved, was pushed away, and died over and over. Finally, I let go.  They say if a writer falls in love with you, you never die.  The last thing I remember was her small frame standing in the doorway crying. Fade Into You was playing from the turntable. The blonde girl walking on the dark street was so drunk, but when she saw me standing in the Ohio drizzle that night with nothing but the sodium lights illuminating us, she said something...

You're right.  We've been here before.  A roadtrip to McCook, Nebraska, pivotal scene of much that went wrong for me. There was a fork in the road, and I took the wrong turn, then proceeded to make more wrong turns. There was a lot that went on here that was good, too. ( Something about living in Nebraska are the sunsets/sunrises. They are among the best.) I grew a lot. Saw what I could do and what I was bad at.  I did the best I could with what I had at the time. What I would have done differently is stayed closer to God, which would have changed some decisions. What was striking about the scene was how closely it echoes life today. Same themes. Feels like I'm taking the test over.  What I remember was the loneliness/aloneness and how I tried to cope. What worked then still works now. What didn't work then still doesn't. I don't think I am meant to live alone, which is how I still feel, even though I am a "loner" by nature. Attempts to thwart loneline...

I wrote a post by this title three years ago. (Also, a movie by the same name exists.) My mind goes back to certain places where I think maybe if I had made a different choice, things would have turned out differently. I can feel bad about that the rest of my life if I want to. I don't. It's clear God used this incredible weakness and affinity for a woman to bring me back to Him. (I never wanted something so much in my life. The only thing stronger than that feeling is the urge to give her what she wants. It goes without saying my love for the Lord is greater.) You can say I got carried away, but, no, I loved her. I did things that were wrong in my chasing of her and paid a dear price. God took care of that. I made mistakes and was punished and made a commitment to stay on the straight and narrow. I've been doing okay. Always room for improvement.  Did I chase her wrong? Nothing is wrong with chasing a woman. Infringing upon her space and disrespecting her is wrong. If she ...

Warning! This is a long post but worth it. Before I begin, let me say a few words. No one knows who wrote this. I will explain what it means to me at the end.  Judge Gently  Pray don't find fault with the man who limps or stumbles along the road, unless you have worn the shoes he wears, or struggled beneath his load, there may be tacks in his shoes that hurt, though hidden away from view, or the burden he bears, placed on your back, might cause you to stumble, too. Don't sneer at the man who's down today, unless you have felt the blow that caused his fall or felt the shame that only the fallen know. You may be strong; but still the blows that were his, if dealt to you in the selfsame way, at the selfsame time, might cause you to stagger, too. Don't be too harsh with the man who sins, or pelt him with word or stone, unless you are sure, yea doubly sure, that you have no sins of your own; for you know, perhaps if the tempter's voice should whisper as softly to you as ...