An apology to my ex

In all my writing here, I realized I may have unfairly depicted my ex. Some may wonder what I saw in her at all, why I endured such a woman for so long. But she had a lot of wonderful qualities. 

The truth isn't black and white. The truth is multi-hued and sometimes difficult to trace because the edges aren't defined in a way that makes moving on easy. In short, people are complicated. Life is complicated. 

It took me approximately six or seven years to go through the whole process of divorce — for a relationship that involved as many bad things as I've mentioned (such as infidelity) —  so, clearly things are not as cut and dried as I made them seem.

So, I want to apologize to her. I left my marriage at times with a viciousness that was out of character. Most of my divorce wasn't that way. I was conflicted at times but determined. My anger toward her was, I believe, an attempt to get her to fight for our marriage. But she did not. She laid down. She quit. She said it was out of her hands when it was very much in her hands. Her inability to fight for us was sobering and disappointing. Still, I should recognize some of the things she did that were tremendously good and valiant.

She left a lot behind. She left the town she lived in for 30 years, her mother, her sister, niece, uncle, so many friends and coworkers, so much that was familiar. She did it for us.

She sacrificed much to move her family (with the little one still growing inside her) halfway across the country to start a new life. I don't give her enough credit for that. How many women would do such a desperate thing so late in life? We were 36 years old, and by the time she had our son, we were both 37. She cashed in her retirement account, which amounted to about $60,000, just to keep us afloat those first couple of years when I was working full-time and she was part-time, when we were living in a cabin and our stuff was in storage, our house in Ohio still on the market. 

Still, we were together, and that's what we said made it worthwhile. Our almost two-month separation (me here and her there) was over, and we would be a family soon. But problems don't just go away because you're together. Especially when you are the problem. Come to think of it, we didn't even really have much sex when we were finally reunited (which would seem to be a big plus of being pregnant — sex with no protection!). It felt strange having sex with that lump between us. And she was always so angry with me. I wondered if she would be this way forever, if this was what I was sentenced to the rest of my life.


The standard of living is higher in the Black Hills than where we lived in Ohio, and we were hemorrhaging money left and right. The house in Ohio needed things and we couldn't be there. We kept dropping the price, but it took a year to sell. Our health insurance for a time was more than $850/month. The cost of bringing a preemie baby into the world was over $120,000, but insurance paid all but $12,000, which we had to scramble for. My parents told us they would pay for delivery costs if we came out to work for them. They did not. Our cars needed tires. Everything here was more expensive except the gas we put in our cars. It was hard. I didn't give her enough credit. 

Our home insurance in Ohio was a ridiculously low $400/year. It was significantly higher here because of the hail storms and who knows what other reasons. I had our car insurance (with $500 deductible) at $600/year, which turned into $600/six months in South Dakota (with a $1,000 deductible), so ended up parking one car and taking it off the insurance. In Ohio, we both had vacation time (about 5 weeks/year for me), health insurance, dental insurance, and I had eye coverage, as well, through our employers (for which we paid next to nothing). We had to pay out-of-pocket for all of that here. 

Seemingly little things like where we got our food changed, too. There is no decent grocery store here, and what is here is extremely expensive. I'm not kidding about the fact that I've seen a package of celery at the store in town going for $9. The closest decently-priced food is 45 minutes away. But even that became too expensive, and we now both shop at Walmart. No more shopping at Kroger or Meijer. Gone are the days of Trader Joe's and Whole Foods. Long gone are the days shopping at Penzeys or Zingerman's. 

Where is the nearest Ikea? We had to stop buying things anyway. When you put half of your stuff in storage for a year, you realize you have too much stuff and really don't need all of that anyway. If you haven't needed it for a year, do you think you'll need it in the future?

I just renewed my driver's license. The first time I got my license, it was a ridiculously difficult experience. I had to get my birth certificate, even, and social security card as well as two documents showing proof of address. As I sat there today and breezed through it all, I remembered that first time. Everything was like that. Everything seemed ridiculously difficult. At times it was infuriating. 

The people in South Dakota are different. It's hard to explain. I think this is a state where people go to get away from other people. And it shows. Rarely do people seem overly kind. Some are downright nasty. But you have that everywhere. Still, I had a hard time explaining to her what people were like here versus Ohio people. Let's just say they aren't always very friendly. I think you have to live here for 20 years or more until they accept you. Or maybe you just have to be born here (which I was). Yes, people are strange here. Or maybe I'm just strange and they don't like strangers. 

The stress of all of these things surely had an impact on our little baby, still in the womb. After our first doctor's appointment, I told her she must go to every single one of her appointments because of her age and first-time baby status and all of the challenges those presented. I relented after we moved and said we would trust God because costs were piling up. It was my fault she didn't go to many appointments after that. But when she did go to the doctor and her blood pressure was sky high, her doctor should have told her to rest more. That was on the doctor. After that, I told her she needed to cut down her hours and stay in bed. She did not. That was on her. She insisted on having her own way. 

When we brought the baby home, I had to fight for time off to help her and to just enjoy our new world with three of us instead of two. I think I took half a week off. That's all my parents would allow. Things were too hard, now that I look back. They didn't have to be that hard.

My ex gave up her good job where she was often bored at work to come out here and try something completely new. First, she was a part-time writer (a position created just for her). Then she started doing some bookkeeping as well. Then she migrated to selling advertising, which she excelled at (and what originally I envisioned her doing when she was still in Ohio and I was here). In fact, she did well at everything she did. And she does all of those things still.

Her talents are not my talents. I have often admired the way she does her job, and I've told her as much many times. It is often thankless and dry, though she makes more money than I do now. Her attitude at times in the beginning was poor. And mine was as well. But considering all that we've both been through since being here, her attitude is astoundingly good. Maybe divorce looks good on her. 

Her intelligence at times is amazing. Her memory is nearly flawless. She has her inabilities just as I do (things like car maintenance seem to be really hard for her). But she has so many good qualities. I'm sure people question why I ever divorced her. 

None of this changes the great flaws (and inability to deal with problems) we faced in our marriage. No, I don't want to get back with her. It was a sort of labor getting a divorce, and now I'm in love with this baby called bachelorhood. 

She has a big heart — for people and animals. She has empathy, which often gets her in trouble. She was always befriending strange men and bringing them home, which endlessly bothered me. Now I don't care who she befriends. I don't care what she does. Divorce definitely looks good on me. 

Concerning our divorce, she said it had to happen. Concerning our move, she later thanked me for bringing her out here. Through all of these things, I've seen her grow. The deal-killers are still there, but it's good to see her grow up in so many ways.

So my apology to her is tempered by her awfulness and our insurmountable flaws. Our marriage was going to end no matter what. I think the stress of everything we faced sped up the process. She wanted things her way and would not be deterred. And I was no longer willing to put up with her shit. But I would be remiss if I did not at least make an attempt to show her good qualities and make some edits to how I've depicted her here. So now you know. She isn't a complete monster. Just a very flawed human being like me.