my careless contagion

With this post, I wrap up my photo memories (and, soon, this blog). I was originally going to share this photo with my Christmas memories. However, something caught my eye. And I'm not talking about whatever is on the surface of the photo. It's a great shot, probably taken by either my grandmother or a family friend. I was very young, and this was taken at our first house. I've ruined my fair share of family photos. I was always the one making faces or putting bunny ears on someone. It was typical lastborn stuff, though not always appreciated. No one cares anymore. But this photo is darn near perfect. Except I'm looking at my mom while everyone else is looking at the camera. I was enjoying the fact that everyone was happy for a moment. And that's what we forget: photographs are just moments. They don't always tell us the whole truth. But I can tell those smiles are genuine.  What I like about this photo, and this is why I chose to close with it, is it sho...

This is my (brilliantly titled) end-of-year post. And what a year it has been. I apologize in advance, as this is a long post. Ya might wanna get some popcorn. 2019 started with a hefty dose of back to reality. It's definitely been a strange ride. Some highlights include seeing Cindy and meeting her kids (a highlight for me, probably not for them), as well as seeing my son embrace Play Partners (which is a sort of junior kindergarten which meets twice a week). Next was getting my two-year degree. I felt good about those things. Unfortunately, the year ended knowing there was no desire for a relationship on Cindy's end. She decided to mend her relationship with her ex. That's definitely good for her, as it was hard to see her wallowing in what I thought was indecision. Bad for me, though. All the illusions I had about us ended. But, that doesn't take away from good things that happened this year. And all I can do is follow God's lead, even though it takes me une...

Tim Mcgraw's song  Just to See You Smile  speaks to me. Or, perhaps, it speaks for me. It says what my heart says. Except for the first verse, that is. I've never been to Amarillo.  I would truly do anything to see that girl smile. Her smile lights up the room, sets a fire in my heart, gives me goosebumps, makes me forget all my years of heartache.  Some may say it's sad when you're not what someone wants. I could comment on that, but I won't. I've said so much about that girl, there really isn't anything left to say. I would have moved to her town already — just for the chance to see her once in a while — if I wasn't positive the very thought of that would terrify her. And if she had only put a fraction of the effort into me as she did her ex, I would have asked to marry her by now. Yes, that's surely even more terrifying to her. But, in the end, it didn't matter what I did, and it didn't matter what he did. I could do no right, and h...

Sunday, Nov. 17, started out well enough. I planned to fast and pray, and that's what I did. The very things I prayed about God answered through His typical overlay of confirmations quickly, so I ended my fast earlier than planned. God likes to use repetition to get our attention sometimes. Whatever works, really. It's possible I could be injecting meaning of my own into Bible verses that seem to stand out to me, but after a while, they pile up and it's hard to ignore. The day ended with quite a  load of information for me to process. I spent a restless night parsing all that information. It feels like I slept only a couple of hours, even though I was exhausted.  The bulk of the information was delivered through text from Cindy about the direction she's headed. While it may not be a surprise to anyone here, she shared that she started dating her ex again a couple of months ago and has gone to counseling with him. I suspected that was happening and even had a drea...

Dolly Parton has been a fixture in country music and popular culture my entire life. Her career started way before I was born, in fact. I Will Always Love You is a classic, and it came from an era when country music was very different. She wrote the song in 1972, reportedly the same day she wrote Jolene , which is my favorite Dolly Parton song. Also, take note of Dolly's seated position in the above video (recorded in 1974?), which is a very hard way to sing a song like this, yet she does it naturally and beautifully. Most people are familiar with the 1992 Whitney Houston version of this song, which is very good (though I don't care for the sax). Whitney was one of the greatest singers of our time, and I was deeply saddened when she passed. Still, I have to agree with this comment on YouTube: " Whitney's version makes your knees weak and gives you goosebumps; Dolly's version makes you break down and cry like a baby." Indeed, while Whitney's voice can...

I know I'm posting this on Oct. 27, but what happened last night is the crux of the matter. The problem is, I don't know how to talk about things properly because there is something that needs to be explained first. And I will. In a future post.  Cindy messaged me and wished my son a happy birthday in advance. Somehow it ended up being a texting match followed by a half-hour phone call and her frustrated in tears and me feeling like I'd been hit by a bus. None of that was planned, and that's probably why she doesn't want to reach out to me anymore. Actually, I wouldn't be surprised if that was the straw that broke the camel's back. This summer, when I tried to "break off" any chance of a future relationship with her, I felt she said she didn't accept that. Well, what she was telling me was there was nothing to break off because there was no relationship. What I was trying to break off was the chance of something — someday. I thought sh...

In all my writing here, I realized I may have unfairly depicted my ex. Some may wonder what I saw in her at all, why I endured such a woman for so long. But she had a lot of wonderful qualities.  The truth isn't black and white. The truth is multi-hued and sometimes difficult to trace because the edges aren't defined in a way that makes moving on easy. In short, people are complicated. Life is complicated.  It took me approximately six or seven years to go through the whole process of divorce — for a relationship that involved as many bad things as I've mentioned (such as infidelity) —  so, clearly things are not as cut and dried as I made them seem. So, I want to apologize to her. I left my marriage at times with a viciousness that was out of character. Most of my divorce wasn't that way. I was conflicted at times but determined. My anger toward her was, I believe, an attempt to get her to fight for our marriage. But she did not. She laid down. She quit. She...

"This is fine," I keep telling myself. But, dear readers, everything is not fine, though maybe my mess of a life is what makes this blog worth reading. Traced back as far as memory allows, I've had this feeling in my gut that things are not fine, that things will never be fine. One of those things that has never been fine is my relationships with women. You may want to prepare yourself for a long post. There is an image in my mind of the kind of woman I want to love. I mean, I literally see a specific woman in my head, but the list is as such: wholesome, sweet, kind, selfless, cute (or beautiful), smart (but doesn't want me to feel like she's smarter than me), a heart for God, etc. The problem is, women like this don't exist. Okay, they're out there. But not really. They're married. They have kids, jobs. They are busy. They aren't divorced or otherwise available, putting themselves out there. They are smart, so they don't get divorced i...