Just to see you smile

Tim Mcgraw's song Just to See You Smile speaks to me. Or, perhaps, it speaks for me. It says what my heart says. Except for the first verse, that is. I've never been to Amarillo. 

I would truly do anything to see that girl smile. Her smile lights up the room, sets a fire in my heart, gives me goosebumps, makes me forget all my years of heartache. 

Some may say it's sad when you're not what someone wants. I could comment on that, but I won't. I've said so much about that girl, there really isn't anything left to say. I would have moved to her town already — just for the chance to see her once in a while — if I wasn't positive the very thought of that would terrify her. And if she had only put a fraction of the effort into me as she did her ex, I would have asked to marry her by now. Yes, that's surely even more terrifying to her. But, in the end, it didn't matter what I did, and it didn't matter what he did. I could do no right, and he could do no wrong. This heart can run on fumes. But there aren't even fumes to run on anymore. She made a choice, and that choice wasn't me. My heart loves her just the same, even though it's not me making her smile. 

When something is over but the feeling remains, what is one to do? I know I'll keep loving her, though I've tried to murder those feelings. I know someday I'll have closure in my heart as well as my head, but it's not today and not tomorrow and not the day after that. Considering I'm writing this fully 2.5 years after she ended our relationship, it's pretty clear this is something that won't go away anytime soon. If God had told me to move on, I would have. Trust me, I've asked. But I digress.

I pray that man realizes what a treasure that woman is, what an absolute gem. The fact that she belongs to him should make him the happiest man in the world. I know it would make me feel that way if she was mine. I don't know him, so I don't know. All I can do is look on and put myself in his very lucky shoes. 

I've already had to let go of her. The hardest things have already been done. I respected her wishes for space and silence, thinking she would come back to me, but she went the other way. It's not like I had a choice because she just stopped replying anyway. What was I going to do, send another 100 messages that would go into space and never be returned? This isn't about that, though it was harder than I could have imagined. This is about being happy for her and wishing her the best, even though the best wasn't me. I know she'll do the right thing and the thing God tells her to do. I can't change or alter that, nor do I want to. I just want what's best for her, what makes her smile, what makes her laugh, what keeps her going, what makes her blossom inside, which isn't me.

I don't want to feel sorry for myself. That's not what this is. Yes, I think I should have something wonderful like Cindy and that I certainly deserve better than what I had in my life, but what I had with Cindy (stolen bread, though it may have been) was one of the best things to ever come my way and was more than I ever deserved. That's a fact. I'll miss her until the day I die, but I'll get to see her on the other side of Jordan. I'm sure I'll beat her there, too, because I just can't wait to be one of the first to welcome her home.

When you love someone, you respect their needs and desires, even though maybe you don't understand or agree. It's something you do for them, not for yourself. So I will let her be. When you love someone, you want them to be happy. What I had with her was just a taste of what could have been. I'm grateful for that. If God will bless it, maybe there will be something more someday.

So, thank you, Cindy, for letting me into your world for a little while, for letting me see your smile. Thank you for letting me see your heart, for hearing your thoughts, for shaking with your fears, for understanding life through your eyes. Thank you that I was briefly able to make you laugh, too, as well as dream and hope and plan something for our someday, our forever. You filled me up with good things, things I'll never be able to explain to anyone and things I'll never be able to forget. Our love story was too short, but it will remain with me forever. It will always be my favorite love story. 

A bit of personal insight/conjecture all y'all can take or leave (the same as everything else I write) but has helped me: I've labored over the rightness of what God told me I could have with Cindy. I believe I have the answer now, just as I have received answers for every single one of my questions regarding this situation. This whole thing kind of reminds me of when the Israelites were taken out of Egypt and they murmured against God, wondering why He brought them into the desert to suffer. Everything looks so hopeless.

Our relationship had to die — in spite of its preciousness, much like David and Bathsheba's first child had to die (because David essentially had Uriah the Hittite killed) — perhaps because it was illegitimate. God blessed David and Bathsheba in spite of how their relationship began, not because they were righteous, but because they were forgiven (forgiveness allows God's blessings to take place). David didn't have to give up Bathsheba (which would have constituted two wrongs). He blessed them with Solomon — who became the greatest king the united kingdom of Israel had ever seen — who lived in peace and prosperity. What takes the place of what was my relationship with Cindy will be legitimate and blessed, much like how God blessed David and Bathsheba and Solomon. That is the promise I believe I received. God, please correct me if I'm wrong.

Thank you for following this blog. And God bless.