A funny conversation

I wrote this post this summer but didn't post it, obviously. I edited it a tiny bit to take out the most negative things. I guess it's okay to post it now, just for my own record. I was still holding on to something. What it was, I don't know. Yes, I believe God told me something two years ago about being with Cindy, but maybe I had to let go of that original relationship first before something legitimate could take its place. Or maybe I just love with foolish abandon. Maybe both. 

Anyway, here's a post I neglected to post 5 or 6 months ago. Maybe I should post all my neglected drafts since everything is over. Then I can write love letters again since that's all I seem to want to do anyway. Get the disappointment out of the way and just write what you want, Joshua. Write about how much you love that girl. There's nothing to lose anymore. It's already been lost. There's a verse in Matthew (6:21) that says where your treasure is, there will your heart be also. So, ask yourself if your house was burning, what would you take? I would take next to nothing. Maybe some pictures off the walls and my wallet. I put myself into people, and when those people aren't there anymore, I feel empty and lonely. I think we all do that. Stuff is just stuff. It comes and goes. The sad fact is sometimes people come and go too. 

Another note: It's clear I have a lot of reasons to move away from this place. It's not just the place where I had a traumatic childhood, but also the place where I divorced my ex. There are a lot of memories swirling here. On top of that, this is the place where I lost the girl I love, as well. I can remember driving down this road or that road and what I was thinking when I was here or there. There are so many memories I just can't squelch anymore. Here's where I was dealing with that; here's where I was dealing with something else; here's where I realized my parents don't give a shit about me, etc. Maybe that's unfair, but that's what I feel in those places.

I was talking to my son and asked a silly question, "What are you going to do when I get a girlfriend?" He said, "You have a girlfriend." I laughed, puzzled. Then I asked, "Who, then, is my girlfriend?" He said, "Cindy." I said, "She is not my girlfriend, but I wish she was my girlfriend." "Why?" he asked, now puzzled. "She is super-nice, loves God, and probably won't hurt me if I'm in a relationship with her. But we don't talk, and she is not my girlfriend." Strange conversation. It went on a bit more and got a bit stranger. But I digress.

First of all, why did I even ask that question? And why did he have such a ready answer? I have never mentioned Cindy as my girlfriend because she has never been my girlfriend. I have referred to her as my friend, though, most recently when my son got out a picture of Cindy and me and set it out. I said, "Oh, that's me and my friend Cindy," and he said, "Yeah, I know." But I haven't talked about her in ages, and have never said she was anything more than a friend. Apparently, he's way ahead of me, since he's told me many times I should have a girlfriend. Because girls know things I don't know. I've tried to prepare him for his dad possibly someday moving on with a woman who is not his mom, but I didn't honestly think that person would be Cindy.

Why do I say that? Cindy dumped me more than two years ago. She has consistently rejected my advances since then, even saying she would not give me another chance. She even told me once to date girls in Rapid City and leave her alone. She has been adamant about not having anything to do with me, which has led to respecting that and leaving her alone. I fully expected her to remain married, but she got divorced. And now she seems hell-bent on putting her family back together and putting me in the past. I expect she will reconcile with her ex. I have prayed consistently for that, too, wanting that more than my own happiness. Though I wonder if that would truly be good for her, I also know she doesn't even consider her own desires. She's truly exceptional in that way.

She was always Plan A, going way back. I never thought I could be with her because she is nowhere near my level. Nothing has changed. So I guess I have to ask what is Plan B now? 

I can't have a relationship with a different woman, not until I get over Cindy. That would be unfair. So, the plan is to find a way to move on first. That part is the hard part. Actually, it's the impossible part. After that, I find a nice lady who will protect my heart. And I'll be good to her. That part seems easy compared to the getting-over part. Some people there is no getting over. Cindy understands this, too, only I'm not the one she has to get over. How ironic and utterly sad life is sometimes.

Anyway, it's pretty obvious I've been living in a fantasy world about this girl for way too long. Loving her — if that's what you want to call it — like this is extremely unhealthy.  I give up. I wish her the best, of course. I'm sorry the best wasn't me. How humbling is it that the guy who abused and cheated on the girl still gets the girl? I literally could do no right, and he could do no wrong. He wins, and I don't even have a Plan B. I would have gladly been her Plan B, her consolation prize. Sigh. Double sigh. Okay, triple sigh.

Yes, this is a sad post about a silly conversation. I'm sorry; I did it again. I won't get over Cindy. I'll spend the rest of my life wanting and not having her. But loving and not having is better than not loving and not having.

Thanks for reading.