my careless contagion

I wrote this post this summer but didn't post it, obviously. I edited it a tiny bit to take out the most negative things. I guess it's okay to post it now, just for my own record. I was still holding on to something. What it was, I don't know. Yes, I believe God told me something two years ago about being with Cindy, but maybe I had to let go of that original relationship first before something legitimate could take its place. Or maybe I just love with foolish abandon. Maybe both.  Anyway, here's a post I neglected to post 5 or 6 months ago. Maybe I should post all my neglected drafts since everything is over. Then I can write love letters again since that's all I seem to want to do anyway. Get the disappointment out of the way and just write what you want, Joshua. Write about how much you love that girl. There's nothing to lose anymore. It's already been lost. There's a verse in Matthew (6:21) that says where your treasure is, there will your hear...

Joey, as I recall, actually looked a bit like James Dean. Joey was his name. I know he was Indian (dot, not feather), and I think he lived in Columbus. I had moved in with my girlfriend, Kate, that summer. We got our own place. I remember holding her as she cried because there were dead cockroaches in the cupboards and the fridge smelled like paint (we got it replaced). I said we'd make the place ours. These were little things. The important thing was we were doing it together.  She cheated on me with Joey, a guy she met on IRC, the same place she met me. I took her to the bus stop and picked her up from the bus stop, her mood quite different upon her return. I must have been incredibly stupid to think she was going to just hang out and have dinner with someone. He got her off. She didn't return the favor. That sounds about right for her. I should have kicked her out when she told me what happened, but instead I slept on the floor in the other room, my little bed trample...

There are some songs I avoid. When I hear one on the radio it's no big deal, as I just flip to the next station. When I'm in a store and hear it come on, then I have to grit my teeth and wait it out. Some associations are hardwired into me. I have a relationship with music that is hard to explain. For Chris Isaak's Forever Blue, it's even more complicated. This album defines how I felt when I was cheated on the first time by my ex. In fact, after everything went down, I wrapped myself up in this music, and for all intents and purposes, died. As the years went on and her behavior remained the same, I found myself changing in ways I never imagined. I was murdering myself just to stay with her.  Baby did a bad bad thing by Chris Isaak will forever remind me of my then girlfriend and now ex-wife's dirty deeds. Chris Isaak was my friend after Kate cheated on me and kicked me out of the bed and onto the floor in the next room. I sat in my green thrift store chair a...

I remember kneeling by your chair as you broke down and told me what you'd done. It was almost 20 years ago, but I remember you braiding your curly hair in an anxiety-ridden state like it was yesterday. You weren't like this when I dropped you off at the bus station a few days before. Something happened in Cleveland that you didn't want to talk about. I sat and listened. You cheated on me with a boy you met on internet relay chat. His name was Joey. I knew him; he was Indian, very good looking in your estimation, I'm sure. His sister cooked you all dinner. There were other details. And then I wished I didn't know them. And then I wished you hadn't done it.  My strongest reaction as a young male with no other clear coping mechanism was to make love to you. I wanted you back. I wanted to claim you as mine again. I wanted you to know I loved you and forgave you. You clearly felt bad about what you'd done. I thought you'd take my advances and run with ...