November 17

Sunday, Nov. 17, started out well enough. I planned to fast and pray, and that's what I did. The very things I prayed about God answered through His typical overlay of confirmations quickly, so I ended my fast earlier than planned. God likes to use repetition to get our attention sometimes. Whatever works, really. It's possible I could be injecting meaning of my own into Bible verses that seem to stand out to me, but after a while, they pile up and it's hard to ignore.

The day ended with quite a  load of information for me to process. I spent a restless night parsing all that information. It feels like I slept only a couple of hours, even though I was exhausted. 

The bulk of the information was delivered through text from Cindy about the direction she's headed. While it may not be a surprise to anyone here, she shared that she started dating her ex again a couple of months ago and has gone to counseling with him. I suspected that was happening and even had a dream they were together again months ago. I asked God what that dream meant, and now I know. Pretty obvious what it meant. Still, hard to hear. But I can't cry over a relationship that ended a long time ago. And I didn't.

I leave this post here for my own records. This post is not to relay sensitive information to everyone reading. I won't get into all we discussed. I just want to mark this day on my blog. If the closure I felt for the end of my relationship with Cindy wasn't complete, it is now. What is clear is I cannot pursue her anymore, as she has decided on a course of action and I don't want to interfere. While I'm saddened by this news for myself, I'm glad for both of them and wish them the best and bid them good luck. Cindy has been saying she needs to give that relationship another chance for a long time, so I'm glad to see it has been set in motion. It's hard to be upset with something I've actually prayed about coming to fruition. 

These are a few of the narratives I've focused on here: my divorce, my relationship with Cindy, my journey of faith, and my childhood. One or possibly two of those things I no longer need to write about. These are just a few of the many things going on in my life, but I've focused on these. I've talked about what I felt God told me almost two years ago regarding a relationship with Cindy. The little bit I've shared here is but a drop in the bucket of the conversations I've had with God. In fact, I started documenting all those conversations and confirmations, which has taken up much of my time. I've printed these things as well, should I accidentally delete the file. Reading that file is humbling, as it is a constant stream of reassurance. It's also eerie in a way, as my spirit is being spoken to about things I've only said to God, things no one else could possibly know.

I felt betrayed by Cindy ending our relationship. It took me a long time to process that ending. I know she saw the greater error as betraying her ex-spouse. I concur. Still, she did start a relationship with me and then ended it to be with another man. I never would have tried to be with her had I known she had doubts, as I've been in that situation too many times. Those doubts have turned into repentance and reconciliation. Considering I have mourned the loss of her marriage more than the loss of my own (and I have not shared much of those struggles here because it's simply too personal), it's good to see her forging a path of reconciliation with her ex. I do not want to see her go back to a relationship that was abusive, but I also don't want to interfere, and I have to admit I don't know what's best for her. Perhaps time apart has changed this man. Perhaps he has repented. Perhaps it doesn't matter because Cindy is programmed to be in that relationship regardless. There are things I just don't know.

What I do know is what God has told me to do. Trust me, I want to be wrong. I want to just admit I was wrong and then move on. But I'm stuck here, staring at something I don't understand, even though every single one of my concerns has been addressed. I still stare in awe at this giant, impossible, immovable thing. While it may look like I suddenly have a lot of options, and perhaps I do, I cannot do anything beyond what God tells me to do. And what He has told me is clear.

I'm going to end this post on a thought that may or may not have anything to do with what I discussed here. I'll leave that up to the readers. There is a verse (Psalm 37:4) that says delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. The thing that most people miss in that verse is when you delight yourself in the Lord, your desires, by necessity, change. Then God can give you the desires of your heart because they are things that won't hurt you or lead you away from Him. By turning to God and walking with Him, we are changed. And then God can give us what we desire. It may not be what we wanted before, though. Or it might be the very thing we wanted. Either way, all good gifts come from above.

Thank you for reading. And God bless.