My dream girl
This is another one of the posts from this summer I neglected to post until now. Originally, it was two parts, but I failed to finish the second part, so I will delete that. It didn't say anything that hasn't been adequately said already. I know the girl I'm writing about would probably disagree with what I've said here, but we're both adults and I'm allowed to think what I want. She will always be my measuring stick for females.
The proverbial dust has settled. I left a relationship and another relationship left me. When you can't have what you want — and that's all you really want — then it's useless to ask what you can have instead.
But, let's say I could create my own dream girl. What kind of girl would I create? Well, Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman, of course. Except she could squash me like a bug. Okay, definitely not Wonder Woman then.
The best I can come up with is this: I am looking for a woman with a curious mind and a beautiful soul. It would be great if she was also in love with me (or at least faked it well enough). And loved my body too! Or, at least let me love her body. Haha, okay, let's begin. 
If you haven't figured it out yet by reading my blog, I'll tell you; I'm not a normal person. I'm a strange man. My brain works differently. Sure, we're all God's creation, so we're all different, but some are more different than others! I've always been an outlier. I want to be with a woman who can appreciate that. She doesn't have to partake or cheer me on in my general weirdness. She just has to respect and appreciate who I am.
Just as I wish that for myself, I also hope the future woman in my life knows I will appreciate her in much the same way. Unless, of course, she isn't that rare, in which case, I will love her just the same but will appraise her differently. "Honey, you're beautiful. And common. Have a good day!" I'm kidding. We all hide our uniqueness because we think it's not accepted or appreciated by others. But my girl will know she can show me those things if she wants.
The above quote is most important. I don't want to be with a careless or deliberately mean girl. I want to be with a woman who knows she can destroy me (because I love her) but won't. Just as I promise to protect her heart, she has to promise to protect mine.
My ex simply could not fathom such an idea. She was too barren inside, apparently, to see her behavior was hurting me. Those years I was not particularly vulnerable, either, so somehow she hurt me through all my bravado. That's some pretty impressive shit. Take a strong, confident man and reduce him to a whimpering, crying-until-he-snots-all-over-himself child. Once he's in the fetal position and wishes he would die, then your work is done. No, wait. One more thing: Now blame him for all of your relationship problems. Wait, no. And tell him he's a terrible dish-washer. Okay, there's more. Now go out with your friends and talk shit about him. Or talk shit about him in front of your family. Or his family! You know, I can't even watch a movie with cheating as a theme (even as a small theme). I lived that movie. It doesn't have a happy ending.
Getting to know Cindy has been an education unlike any other. She's shown me so many things I didn't even know a female was capable of being. The above is a good example of something she taught me. When you love someone, you protect them, even if it means you have to gulp down gobs of pain and humiliation. Through our communication that tapered off over the last 2.5-plus years, I have formulated an equation for my dream girl. Dream girl = Cindy.
Though she is not in my life, she still informs my decisions. While that may look pathetic to my audience, I don't render it in those colors. Rather, she is now the template. She's the one all others are measured by. She is the most amazing woman and one of the finest souls I've ever encountered, and I was blessed and fortunate just to know her, yet I got to fall in love with her.
If I had it to do again, I would have left her alone. It would be better to see a love like hers persist and thrive instead of me interfering. Just because a flower is pretty doesn't mean it has to be picked and taken home. It's better to know a flower like that exists than to destroy it forever in an attempt to keep it. Lesson learned, but too late. Selah.
She is truly special, yes, but she will tell me she is not. Well, what's in her heart is special. Though it may not be right what her ex did to her, she covered it up and loved it into oblivion. I can't help but be struck by the beauty of what her heart has wrought. I was with a woman who was a torment to my soul, not a salve, not a helpmeet, not a partner. Cindy is on one side of the pendulum's swing, and my ex was on the other. My dream girl clearly inhabits the side Cindy lives on.
This pretty much sums up how love works. You protect each other's heart. Don't be a jerk. Don't wound them. Don't destroy them. Don't set fire to their soul and walk away. If you do hurt them, ask for forgiveness and then repair the damage. And then give them more than you took. Make their life better than before. That's a biblical precept. It's making something right that you made wrong, and even better than before. It shows you value what your partner is giving you. You protect their heart because you care. If they brought you a puppy to hold, would you smash it? No, and you shouldn't do that to their heart. It's very simple, but how many people do it? I want a woman who will protect my heart. I deserve that, and I don't think it's too much to ask.
Is it wrong to want someone to love me properly? No, I don't think so. I deserve better than what I got, though probably not as good as Cindy. I gave myself in many ways to keep my ex alive and afloat even when I wasn't there. I took care of her in so many ways, more ways than any boyfriend, husband, or lover is supposed to. But that's love. You give until you can't give anymore. Is it wrong to be loved the same way in return? No, I don't think so. I knew what I had in my marriage. I knew it was going to hurt leaving that, but I also knew I'd never even have the chance for something better as long as I was in that union. So I left. I firmly believe I deserved better.
For a man who was not used to standing up for himself to finally do so, it took all I had. Even if I never have another relationship, at least I know what I don't deserve. A man has to say no to something bad in order to have something better. If I kept saying yes to the bad thing, I never could have the chance for something better. At least this way, there is still hope. Moving toward something means you have to move away from something else. Grabbing on to something else means letting go of what you had. It's basic physics, but it's also very hard sometimes.
Here's the irony. Once we find what we want, it's gone. Once we fall for the girl, she's no longer there. Once we wake up, we realize there's no reason we're awake. It's a blank-slate of a day, but who cares? Without purpose and without a person to have and to hold, what is our reason to persist?
Yes, we fall in love with people we can't have. Who knows what the world would look like if that wasn't true. We reach out to people who can't reach back to us. That sums up my life, going all the way back to my childhood. It's clear why I chose the people closest to me. What we want is what we always had. It's what we're used to, and that's all that matters. Well, not anymore. Not for me. I want the best, and if I can't have the best, then I'll get out my dream-girl checklist. The Bible says he who finds a wife finds a good thing. I believe my dream girl is still out there.
Honestly, I know I won't find another like Cindy. Before all of you gang up on me and tell me to move on and find something else to write about, let me respond. Some people, when they come into your life, they change everything. When before everything was black and white, now it's lurid color. Is it my fault my life was such a shitfest before her? I know that's probably part of the reason why I jumped inside when Cindy came back into my life. To what can I liken it? It's like when African Americans left the racist Jim Crow South to travel overseas and entertain foreigners who treated them like royalty. It's a world I didn't even know could exist. Of course, I wanted to stay there forever.
I could write much more here, of course. My dream girl's name is Cindy. No, she's not perfect. But she would have been perfect for me. If there is a factory churning out Cindys somewhere, I want to put in an order. But, sadly, there is only one of her. And if I can't have her in this life, then she will have to belong to me only in my dreams. I guess that's why we call them dream girls.
Thanks for reading!
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