my careless contagion

There's something about her. I can't always put my finger on it. Sometimes I can name it. Sometimes not. It just melts me. Every time. Listen, I'm a man. Been through hard things. Hard times. Endure hard things every day. Wade through pain and frustrations that would make many crack. Sometimes I feel like cracking, too. Sometimes I have to pray hard and fast through strangled tears just to make it through. I've worked more years than those I work with have been alive. I'm tough. Rough around the edges. Stoic and brutish and sometimes cynical and hard. But there is something about that woman that melts me. Every time. All that shellac and veneer. All that painstaking patina. Gone when she's near. She has no idea, I'm sure. I become soft as a baby around her. My heart beats stronger. My mind is set ablaze. The shrapnel in my flesh doesn't hurt. Tiredness in my bones doesn't intrude. I become gooey in her presence. Like clay in her hands. The best parts...

What can I say about a woman of whom I've said too much already? A little bit more. Comparing our lives — the quality of which derived from our internal world — it's easy to see she is far and above this humble author. Cindy is decidedly too good for me. She is, seemingly without trying, what a Christian woman should be. To my eyes, it is effortless; she simply embodies many virtues. When I think of what a mother, wife, or what a woman should be, she always comes to mind. Thanks to her, I now know how a woman should be. Thanks to her, I now know how a woman should love. Thanks to her, I now know how to love, period. She has always been — and will always be — my measure of what is good and right and beautiful in a woman.  Photographs of us taken three years ago show the mismatch. I wore my Sturgis t-shirt, and she wore a TeamMates shirt. I wore more than that, though. (ha, yes, I was fully clothed) I wore the scars of a difficult life. She weathered her difficulties a...

This is another one of the posts from this summer I neglected to post until now. Originally, it was two parts, but I failed to finish the second part, so I will delete that. It didn't say anything that hasn't been adequately said already. I know the girl I'm writing about would probably disagree with what I've said here, but we're both adults and I'm allowed to think what I want. She will always be my measuring stick for females. The proverbial dust has settled. I left a relationship and another relationship left me. When you can't have what you want — and that's all you really want — then it's useless to ask what you can have instead. But, let's say I could create my own dream girl. What kind of girl would I create? Well, Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman, of course. Except she could squash me like a bug. Okay, definitely not Wonder Woman then.  The best I can come up with is this: I am looking for a woman with a curio...

Nebraska, you're not for everyone. But on this road trip, you were home to a great and unexpected blessing. Yes, I accomplished what I set out to do, which was to uncover what went wrong in my life. Not only that, but my expectations for this trip turned out to be inferior to how it actually unraveled.  It's clear, as I sit down to write this — the final post of my Nebraska retrospective — God chose to bless me on this trip. But you know what? It wouldn't have happened had I not said that prayer and put it in His hands. While the outcome may have looked obvious to anyone else, to me it did not look obvious. All I knew is I did not want to run afoul of God's plan or timing. That last sentence contains what I have learned in the last 20-plus years since I lived in Nebraska. Things are better left in God's hands than my own.  What went wrong all those years ago? I pushed God out of my life, leaving me to make dreadful decisions which took me far from His care....

  The light hasn't risen outside. I'm tired, but waking next to you makes my whole day seem possible. I can't wait to get this day over with so I can fall back in bed with you, tired as always, but where I want to be.  It feels like your body is on fire. How can such warmth emanate from such a tiny girl? My fingers trace your thigh. Stopping briefly on your hip, I pull you closer to meet my hungry body. My hands continue up your side, under your arm, and find a home cupping your chest. Oh, but they aren't done. They're just resting until you wake in my arms.  The little noises you make in your sleep are perfect, just like you. Everything you do makes me feel at home and at ease.  Somehow, in the deadness of sleep, you feel my intentions. You pull from me with sleepy reluctance at first but fall back against me with finality. We are one body, one flesh, and one thought right now. Before the day pulls us apart, I ravish you in the stillness of the morning....

I love her with a love neither of us understands. It's an unrelenting, driving thing. How it exists without the object of its affection, I'll never know. She's gone, but my heart keeps loving her.  I can't explain. All I can say is it seems my heart searched for a woman like her, and when it found her, it didn't want to give her up. To me, she was the model of the perfect woman. I knew I'd never find another like her. Imagine my surprise when the very model of perfection walked back into my life!  Even though she's gone, my heart agreed to love her. It settled on her with a finality unlike anything I've seen.  She has moved on. She has left me here to weather the world without her. I don't know where her heart has wandered, but it is not with me. Perhaps it's gone back to a former love, perhaps on to another. Perhaps it's just hurting and waiting and hurting again — by itself, unable to love anyone.  This love I have for her will ...

She's seared in my mind like a brilliant sunrise, like the end of the world, like the sadness of leaving and the miracle of birth all in one brief moment. She stood before me in nothing but her black bra and underwear. I couldn't believe the creature that stood before that mirror with me. I stood behind her and told her she was beautiful. She said it was dark. I thought to myself, "Girl, you're not only perfect, but perfect should try to be you."  Her skin and her warmth are fresh in my memory. And she could lounge in her underwear with me all day, any day, any time, anywhere. My body may burn for her, but it would be worth it. If I couldn't lay a hand on her, I'd make love to her with my eyes and with my words. Maybe she'd melt for me like I melt for her.  I can't recall feeling such adoration for any woman, real or imagined. How can she cut down all of my childhood fantasies and all of my models of perfection? How can she destroy e...

It's like magic to hear her voice. I'm transported to a place where I feel sane again, like I'm right by her side. I don't know how she does it, but she does it every time. Her voice goes right through my skin, right to my heart. It quickens me like no other sound in the world. If I could just have her voice and nothing else, it might be enough. Then again, it may not.    There is such longing in me to have her completely. One call from her and my sleep for the week is ruined. I cry out for her all night long. Does she hear me? Can she feel my hands searching for her in my cold and empty sheets?  It's like I'm in love for the first time. This is all new to me. I feel so much, and it has nowhere to go. She's outside of me, but she's also the blood that runs in my veins. And she runs hot. I have nothing but wishes for us. There's nothing I actually possess. Maybe this is the way great love stories start. Maybe this is the way...

She's too good to be true I've said it most of my life and when she walked away from me I really knew it was true Starting from the top she has brains and she uses them she loves God more than anything else She's the kindest creature I've ever known brightening the lives of those she touches entering their hearts and minds as she has entered mine She wants to do what's right even if it means taking on a fight is willing to work through hard stuff for those she loves She loves harder than anyone I've ever seen won't give up, won't give in for anything she's tender, but she's strong stronger than anything I know The rest is too easy but she leaves me hurting just by being just by looking my way or looking away Her eyes are like perfectly-cut diamonds her face is lovely her smile brighter than the sun She may be the sexiest woman I've known her body is lithe, sleek, t...