my careless contagion

To what or to whom can I liken her? A precious stone? A film star from a bygone era? How about a film star from a bygone era who was known for her love of precious stones? Perfect. Yes, that's what she is. She's perfect. But my analogy is imperfect. Marilyn was typecast as an airhead and easy. My girl is neither of those things. She is all class all the way and all the more inspiring. She's also unattainable. Whatever went through my head when I thought I could be with her — even though it was only for a brief moment — was madness. I may as well imagine myself with Marilyn Monroe. If she is Marilyn Monroe, then who am I? To whom should I liken myself? I am Jay Gatsby. But Jay Gatsby is fictional, whereas I am flesh and blood. Then I'm Joe DiMaggio. Okay, go ahead and laugh. I'm not a baseball legend. But I am in love with an unattainable woman, much like Joe DiMaggio was with Marilyn Monroe. He loved her long after their 9-month marriage ended. Yes, that...

Cindy's Song (I mean Annie's Song ) is a musical masterpiece and a true love song. It's simple, eloquent, and timeless. It has persisted since 1974 in spite of the threat of being buried by decades of mediocre and downright terrible music. Take that, Justin Bieber. Perhaps the most amazing thing about the song is it was written in approximately 10 minutes while John rode a ski lift after having a fight with his then-wife, Annie. He was grateful he didn't break up with her, and Annie's Song is the product of that sentiment. Unfortunately, they did end up divorcing a few years later. That divorce has been described as ugly. In spite of that, and fortunately for the rest of us, this beautiful song lives on long after that divorce and after John left us. Annie's Song is straight from the heart. It's not a complicated song at all. Anyone can learn it, even me. Every time I hear this song, I think of a girl. Maybe you know who I'm talking about...

When I pray, it's nothing eloquent. My prayers are that of a child simply talking to his Father. My Bible tells me He is near the brokenhearted and a contrite spirit He will not despise. So, everything I pray comes from my heart. So, too, does this prayer, which I prayed in part one day while walking on a winter beachscape. Dear God,  You know she's on my mind and in my heart. You know how much she means to me. You saw everything I felt. Maybe you felt it too. It had to come from somewhere.  I know I didn't go about things the right way. I did a whole lot of wrong. I learned from that. You taught me, you corrected me, you sent me down a different path. Thank you for that. I know you love me because you chasten me.  I want to thank you for the moments I had with that beautiful girl. I know you see my heart and know I never intended to damage her or anyone else. My soul was starving, and she was the stolen bread I needed. I'm so sorry I brought all of this abou...

This is another one of the posts from this summer I neglected to post until now. Originally, it was two parts, but I failed to finish the second part, so I will delete that. It didn't say anything that hasn't been adequately said already. I know the girl I'm writing about would probably disagree with what I've said here, but we're both adults and I'm allowed to think what I want. She will always be my measuring stick for females. The proverbial dust has settled. I left a relationship and another relationship left me. When you can't have what you want — and that's all you really want — then it's useless to ask what you can have instead. But, let's say I could create my own dream girl. What kind of girl would I create? Well, Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman, of course. Except she could squash me like a bug. Okay, definitely not Wonder Woman then.  The best I can come up with is this: I am looking for a woman with a curio...

I know I'm posting this on Oct. 27, but what happened last night is the crux of the matter. The problem is, I don't know how to talk about things properly because there is something that needs to be explained first. And I will. In a future post.  Cindy messaged me and wished my son a happy birthday in advance. Somehow it ended up being a texting match followed by a half-hour phone call and her frustrated in tears and me feeling like I'd been hit by a bus. None of that was planned, and that's probably why she doesn't want to reach out to me anymore. Actually, I wouldn't be surprised if that was the straw that broke the camel's back. This summer, when I tried to "break off" any chance of a future relationship with her, I felt she said she didn't accept that. Well, what she was telling me was there was nothing to break off because there was no relationship. What I was trying to break off was the chance of something — someday. I thought sh...

I'm a bad man. No, not Batman. Or any other superhero. I'm a bad man, and there is no other way to look at it. This blog is all about honesty, so let's be honest. I'm a low-down dirty dog. I've done some awful things for which I have no excuse or justification. God doesn't grade on a curve; what's wrong for one person is wrong for another. It wasn't wrong when I left my marriage; I talked it through with God, prayed about it, then acted. However, my choice to hurt my ex-wife in the process by having a relationship while still married was wrong. Yes, society says having a relationship while being separated isn't wrong, but I'm looking to a higher authority than society. After all, society says all sorts of bad things are okay. Society tolerates Justin Bieber. Need I say more? I'm kidding, of course. Is it okay to hurt someone who hurt you? What do I tell my son? I tell him to avoid that person and tell a person in authority what's g...

Perhaps I've been unclear. In all these lines, have I obscured the truth? Let me cut to the chase and clarify. This is my last post about this until time expires. If this is maddening to me, then I'm sure it's at least confusing and annoying for everyone else. Her name is Cindy. She came into my life unexpectedly. Love blossomed unexpectedly. I didn't expect her to stay, which is the only thing I saw coming (or, going, as the case may be).  I never wanted her to get divorced. There, I said it. I did not foresee her getting a divorce, nor did I want that for her. But, why, you ask; if you're in love with a woman, wouldn't you want to be with her? I can be in love with her and not be with her. If a man truly loves a woman, he wants her to be happy, and divorce is the opposite of happiness. I didn't want to see her go through that, nor did I want to see her children go through that, and even her ex, even though my humble opinion is he doesn't deserv...

  Clint Black's 1989 debut album featured the debut single — A Better Man (for which I found perhaps the original video!). I've heard this song countless times. It's safe to say it's a classic, especially because it continues to get airplay 30 years after its release. And it echoes the sentiment I carry in my heart for Cindy, the girl who gave me the greatest love story of my life.   What do I like about this song? It's simple and accessible. It's not overwrought. And it's an honest assessment of a relationship that is no more. It's an all-around good song, and it clearly defines how I feel about the woman I continue to love.  I could not have found a purer soul to fall in love with. I could not have found a woman more perfect for me. Though I'm no longer upset and distressed because our relationship ended, it goes without saying I wish it hadn't. I miss her. I always have. And always will. She felt like the missing piece. Without her, I ...