Unexpected

Perhaps I've been unclear. In all these lines, have I obscured the truth? Let me cut to the chase and clarify. This is my last post about this until time expires. If this is maddening to me, then I'm sure it's at least confusing and annoying for everyone else.

Her name is Cindy. She came into my life unexpectedly. Love blossomed unexpectedly. I didn't expect her to stay, which is the only thing I saw coming (or, going, as the case may be). 

I never wanted her to get divorced. There, I said it. I did not foresee her getting a divorce, nor did I want that for her. But, why, you ask; if you're in love with a woman, wouldn't you want to be with her? I can be in love with her and not be with her. If a man truly loves a woman, he wants her to be happy, and divorce is the opposite of happiness. I didn't want to see her go through that, nor did I want to see her children go through that, and even her ex, even though my humble opinion is he doesn't deserve her (but that's not a judgment I'm allowed to make, and it's not like I deserve her either). If she had ever asked me what she should do, I would have told her to not get a divorce. Hearing she had gone through with her divorce after more than a year of wavering was unexpected. Does it seem like I'm just trying to expunge myself of any guilt for my role in her divorce? I'm not. I'm simply stating the facts. She broke off her relationship with me because she felt she had to give her marriage another chance, which was about nine months before her divorce was finalized. As far as I could tell, she was going to do everything in her power to fix it. Obviously, that meant she had to say goodbye to me. That was expected.

Cindy ended our relationship in July of 2017. Then, about 9 months later, she told me she got a divorce, and I was horrified. But she still didn't want anything to do with me. The divorce played out as I suspected. She was horribly mangled by it and torn; she wanted to be with the man she divorced. Why am I even talking about this? Most men would have meandered away by now. And I would have, too, had God not told me to stay put and wait. Everything has played out how I expected it, and she is not in my life as I type this. Yet God tells me to wait. And I will wait until the last second expires. Then, one of two things will happen. I will either see God's plan come to fruition, or I will have to figure out how I was deluded and led into error. I have prayed relentlessly for God to deal with me if I am truly in error. I have laid my heart open thousands of times, yet the answer is always the same: wait, son. Maddening.

It's clear my struggle is not with Cindy (or any other woman). She knows I'm a good man who would treat her well. I do not war with her ex; nor would I ever consider that because I feel it is an unfair fight; her love for him is like the most adamant stone, unmovable. I am a puny insect, blown about by the wind, a persistent pest, a fly in the ointment. I am nothing, and she had no trouble sweeping me from her life. What was initially incomprehensibly hard for me — letting go — she did easily, and it took my breath away. From feeling so strongly for each other to being nothing happened so fast, and I couldn't understand any of it. That's the force of this woman. She will dispense with nothing to fight for what she believes is right, even if it's killing the very thing she adores. At least that's how I understand it. But, it was never my choice to say goodbye to her. It was always her decision, and I simply had to respect that. If I had my way, we would have never stopped talking.

This woman truly is incredible. I'm reminded of the story of Abraham and Isaac when I think of her. She obediently journeyed to the land of Moriah and sacrificed something she cared deeply about — me — in order to be obedient. I mean, if she even felt half of what I felt and walked away from it just because she wanted to do the right thing, then I'm simply in awe. There is something so brilliantly beautiful about how this woman loves. I just want to get out of the way and let her have that. And, indeed, I have. Yet God tells me to sit still and wait. But wait for what? Isn't it over? It's all said and done, isn't it? It was over more than two years ago. What am I waiting for? Every single sign points away from all of this, yet my orders say stay and wait. God, what am I waiting for? Something that's already over? Literally, nothing about this makes sense. Maddening.

It may appear I am obsessed with this woman. No, I'm not obsessed. I love her deeply. I always will. I have loved her in her absence just as I would have if she stayed in my life. But I was respectful and left her life when she made it clear I was not welcome. What I am obsessed with is what God told me and the contrariness of it. It's contrary to everything I expected and how this whole adventure has played out. Yet, every time I bring it up, He says the same thing. I have fought to be let go. I have subtly and overtly disobeyed God just so I could walk away, but He has fought me harder and sat me down with the same directive: wait. Clearly, there is something going on here much bigger than me or Cindy or whatever fairytale ending anyone may imagine. My curiosity is bleeding out in a wide circle beneath my feet, spreading further every day. Can I say it again? Maddening.

What's so hard about sitting still and waiting for God to accomplish what He's doing? All I have to do is nothing, essentially. Doing nothing is easy, right? There are two things working against that: pride and fear. Pride, because the world says I should move on. Staying put is immensely humbling. A woman ghosts you; you walk away. You look like an unhinged lunatic if you sit and wait for a woman who has made it clear she wants nothing to do with you. Fear, because I don't know how to do the things He's telling me to do. Walking through that door is a juggernaut of things I don't know and have to learn. Being with a woman like her, I don't know how to do that. I'm terrified. Interestingly, these two reasons, pride and fear, are the same reasons I didn't end up with the girl all those years ago. How's that for irony? But, even if I don't get the girl, I will have overcome those things.


Can I clarify further? I do love Cindy. I would love to be with her someday if that's something God will bless. I think the world of her, more than I have ever thought about any woman. I have been incredibly unselfish by letting her go. Initially, I fought it, but then I just wanted her happiness more than my own. I still want that. It made sense to me she would repair her marriage. It did not make sense to me she got a divorce. From the time I ceded control, nothing has made sense. My mind cannot comprehend what has happened or what will happen, but I rest knowing God is in control.

What man walks away from the woman he believes is perfect for him? Who leaves so much unsaid in the belief that what she's getting instead of them is so much better? Who lets go of the thing they value the most in this world simply because they were asked to? Who, in spite of her walking away, continues to think of her fondly? A man who loves. It's clear I love this woman very much. I would have done anything she asked me to, and I did. But God is asking me how much I love Him. Do I love Him enough to obey, even though it doesn't make sense? Even though my pride is skewered and I'm terrified? Even though all signs tell me I'm going the wrong way and the only thing telling me to continue is His voice?

I'm used to not getting what I want. That's clear. I let go of Cindy, though not without a fight. Not getting what I wanted made sense to me. What doesn't make any sense is what God is telling me, and that's my main struggle, my main obsession, my main thought every day. How on earth and why on earth is He leading me in the wrong direction? I don't know, but where He leads me I will follow. As it is right now, I have nothing. If this journey leads me toward more of nothing, then at least I will have lost nothing. But I suspect something will be gained, and probably something completely unexpected.

I have laid all these things out thousands of times before God. My heart is pure. I'm not walking under my own direction. I'm not fighting with Him. I've humbled myself. 

If, when time expires, I was wrong and didn't hear God's voice, that will be the most devastating realization. Finding out how I was dreadfully led astray and into error will be my focus because I already let go of the girl, and I do not expect to be in her life again. Yes, the finality will be destabilizing, but the hard work has already been done, though not by me but by her. I pray God blesses that woman and all those around her tremendously because she only wants to do the right thing, regardless of how she feels. That's the kind of woman I want to be with. That's amazing. No man can expect to be with his dream girl. I know I'll never find another Cindy, and some lucky bastard is going to have her. Well, some lucky bastard already has her. For the record, I have prayed relentlessly for years that Cindy could put her family back together and would heal her relationship with her ex. Does that sound like a selfish man? I only met with Cindy because I thought she was done with her marriage. If I had known she had any doubts, I wouldn't have. In fact, I wouldn't have done any of this had I known the consequences. But, I never saw any reason why Cindy and I couldn't be together. It made complete sense to me. I'm sorry it didn't make sense to anyone else.

Trust me, I know how all of this sounds. This sounds like the ravings of a madman. When talking about matters of faith, I know the reaction. It sounds like I'm crazy, and I would love to be crazy. I'd love to be in error because then everything would make sense. That's why this is my last post about this until time expires. I've put these things here for myself, fully realizing how it looks from the outside. It's part of my journey, so I've documented it. But there comes a point when nothing more can be said, and I've come to that point. (Okay, maybe a few more paragraphs.)

Some may say, "You're using this blog to manipulate that girl to be with you." I've thought of that. In fact, I thought about ending it for that reason, but I kept writing because this is my therapy. And I've tried to end the possibility of being with her for good many times now, and, if my actions are any indication, I've also tried to sabotage being with her. So that argument doesn't hold water. I agree that saying "God said this to me" could be misconstrued as manipulative. That's why this will be my final post on this subject. Until there is no more time left on the clock, no one really knows what God said. And if I was truly using this blog to manipulate her, it certainly hasn't worked. In fact, she's gone farther away from me in the time I've been writing. Also, I don't even know if she's still reading. She mentioned many times she didn't think she should read it anymore. Shrug.

Before anyone judges me, let me ask what you would do if you were presented with the same situation. I mean, if your feelings and your heart and all the information you were given told you one thing, yet you believed God told you something else, what would you do? How much do you trust something you were told even though it flies in the face of everything else? How many times do you have to listen to yourself say, "You're stupid for believing this," or, "Anyone else in the world would have moved on by now"? Because this whole thing stopped being about a girl a long time ago. Yes, she's very special to me, but I would have walked away when she told me she couldn't be with me; that's only respectful. That would have made complete sense. I've been unselfish about this whole thing 99 percent of the time, including the last time I tried to break the whole thing off for good. I thought I was doing her a favor by giving her an "easy out," but I only ended up hurting her. I literally cannot win, no matter what I do. That was my last attempt to rectify the situation.

I could not have written a more tortured, weird, pretentious, and unbelievable tale. What I thought was a simple love affair turned into a great adventure of faith and gifted me with my greatest love story. I don't know what God is doing, nor do I know any of the "whys," but my role is simple: stay out of the way. If I know anything about how God works (and I'm starting to question that), this whole thing is going down to the wire. I'll wait until the last seconds tick away, and then I'll proceed as God tells me. I'm sorry if you were looking for a simple love story here. If it was up to me, it would have happened. I would have settled for a simple love-lost story, as well. But what we have is a big, up-in-the-air, what-is-happening-is-this-guy-crazy-why-won't-he-shut-up-about-this-and-move-on-and-give-us-an-expected-ending travesty. I didn't want this to turn into what it has. I want to write about other things. That's why I can't write about this anymore. 

I laugh about this whole thing almost daily because it just makes sense something so senseless and confusing would happen to me. Hey, don't blame me. I'm only along for the ride. I don't blame you if you want to get off, either. I've had the same thought myself. One thing I am sure of, though, is this ride is going someplace unexpected. 

Thanks for following along.