Echoism

Recently, I came across the term "echoism," which is described more in-depth in an article here (originally from a post on themighty.com) than I can get into. The article hit home for me; maybe I could even see myself reflected in it. Heh.

Most people know the story of Narcissus and Echo, so I won't touch on that, but I will state that every Narcissus needs an Echo, and vice versa. The post on themighty.com focuses on narcissistic parents, which if I think about it long enough, I can say that at least one of them deserves that label, while the other one could be categorized as fragile (or a fragile narcissist). It's possible both could take that title, though. I'm not really concerned about making that declaration, especially because the Bible tells us to honor our father and mother, with the promise of having a long life. Honestly, though, I'm not interested in having a long life, so who cares? I think one of my brothers probably qualifies as a narcissist, but I'm not qualified to state that, either.

I'll post a few excerpts that hit home. Some say you can replace the term "codependency" with "echoism," and I can see that. Again, I'm not well-versed in all the psychological terminology. All I know is I have a tendency, or perhaps a need, to disappear into someone's shadow. Or just disappear. Because Echo has no voice of her own and merely repeats what she hears, in order to be heard, she needs to be with someone who is willing to talk for her.

"Like their namesake, Echo, echoists are often forgotten and struggle to have a voice of their own in the wake of loving the narcissists in their lives."

"Echoism is a trait of people who are skilled at echoing the needs and feelings of those around them — often at the expense of their own needs and feelings. If we were to put echoism on a spectrum, echoism would be on one end and narcissism would be on the opposite end. If narcissism concerns thinking more of yourself, echoism is characterized by chronically thinking less of yourself."

“Where narcissists are addicted to feeling special, echoists are afraid of special attention, even when it’s positive.”

"Echoists are so afraid of taking up space that they often find themselves in relationships with narcissists who thrive on taking up space. Though these pairings can be painful for the echoist, they also come as a relief as well, because by focusing on the needs of the dominant personality, they don’t feel like they are asking for too much of others."

"Echoism is a personality trait, not a psychiatric diagnosis. The trait often develops in childhood as a survival strategy for growing up with a narcissistic parent who doesn’t attend to his or her child’s needs."

“Echoists learn, growing up, that they can’t turn to people when they’re sad or scared or lonely and trust that people will care for or soothe them… so they bury their needs in the hopes that they’ll be accepted or loved because they demand so little." 

"In addition to finding themselves in relationships that mirror the narcissistic (and/or abusive) parent-child dynamic they experienced growing up, echoists often struggle to connect with others. In conversation, echoists are great listeners, but don’t easily share about their lives for fear of coming across as 'burdensome,' Malkin explained. Even in safe, non-abusive circumstances, echoists can make their relationships one-sided by solely focusing on pleasing the other person and never voicing their thoughts, feelings or needs."   

"... two of the main issues facing recovering echoists are stopping people-pleasing behavior and developing boundaries."

"In addition to boundaries, Malkin emphasized the importance of learning to express your feelings — even when it feels like you’re asking for too much!"

I can say with 100 percent positivity the above quotations are not just familiar — they are me. Every. Single. One.

The article didn't tell me anything I didn't already know, but it gives me a fuller picture and some vocabulary to describe my childhood and the dynamic it set in motion in adulthood. One thing I will not do anymore (except as a knee-jerk reaction) is defend the people who traumatized and abused me growing up. I won't go out of my way to trash them, but I am certainly done trying to cover up the awful things that happened to me. In short, I will finish out my life being honest.

My parents have spent their lives amassing wealth and notoriety (which both fade quickly in this world), often at the expense of their children. Money and possessions and what people think have always mattered more than their children. Honestly, I don't know why some people even have children. Even now, their baby is their business. Maybe this is why I decided to live a poor, quiet life.

I have used the word "burden" (as in, I feel like a burden) to describe how I feel in relationships, not just with my ex-wife, but before that, also. I always felt like I was a burden to others, which probably added to my need for alone time. Considering how well my ex has done without me after the divorce, it's safe to say I was correct, too. There's always been the question of "what to do with Joshua," to which I can only shrug. But, because I felt like a constant burden, I worked hard and put a lot of effort into my relationships, often giving more than I got in return, because I had no idea of my worth or the value of what I was putting forth. It shifted the balance of power to my partner. I shorted myself constantly in every relationship because of my low self-esteem. 

It's easy to see how this dynamic destroyed my marriage. And it's probably safe to say I've never had a healthy relationship with a woman. The quote above that mentions shying away from attention is dead-on. Even though I've received a ton of attention from females in my life, I've always hated the attention. It's safe to say female attention is a positive thing, but I didn't see it that way. It always made me feel uncomfortable. If a girl put herself in a position to make a move on me, I would feel sorry for her, even, because I was such a poor prospect for dating and because I knew she would end up feeling rejected.

When I rejected the narcissism/echoism dynamic, that's when my marriage started to really unravel. I was undermining the very foundation of our relationship. I began to shift the balance of power, and it was intoxicating. I got a little too hooked on that feeling and ended my marriage with a tremendous blow to my ex, which I regret. I should have taken the high road, but I guess if you're going to destroy something, you may as well really eff it up. 

Learning about echoism isn't exactly a revelation. But, it helps me decode what happened in my life. It peels back yet another layer of the onion, which is a good way to describe our emotional lives. Human beings are immensely complicated. I feel God honored my request to slow things down a little with what He's doing inside me, and it looks like we're picking up speed again. I've heard a calm but cautious voice telling me to brace myself because the worst is still ahead. So, while it looks like one chapter has ended, another one will begin. There is much work to be done still, but God is faithful to guide me through it. 

On another note, it looks like many of my goals have shifted as I've grown the last few years. Perhaps I'll write more on that later. I will say this: staying healthy and maintaining my relationship with God is paramount. Otherwise, I would be lost in the woods and would no doubt return to unhealthy behavior.

Thanks for your time and attention. I sincerely appreciate everyone who reads this blog.