Future Joshua

Future Keanu is way cooler than Future Joshua.

Today is my birthday. I'm 42. Birthdays sometimes lend themselves to contemplation. Once I start doing that, it's easy to get caught up in the drama of the past. After a great disturbance (just like a storm that blows over), it's helpful to put your life in perspective and rest. Then, you begin to ask yourself, "What next?" What does Future Joshua look like?

I've been gifted with yet another life reboot. Not everyone gets to start over again as I have. In some ways, it is very tiring (exhausting, really), and in other ways, it is refreshing. There are many big decisions I simply can't handle right now. But that doesn't stop me from wondering and hoping. So, what am I looking forward to? 

I feel it's overdue that I settle down somewhere. I'm not looking forward to moving, however, but I want to lay my head down in a place that feels more permanent, a place I haven't rejected as my home. 

In many ways, my life is over. I've been wasted by poor decisions and lack of vision. My primary focus is my son and his needs. I want to be there for him as much as possible. I also want to give him a better life than I had, if possible. So, me getting a good, stable job where I can be present in his life is a priority. Given my education and work experience, that's a tall order. Still, nothing is impossible with God directing my life. 

Sometimes having too many decisions is paralyzing. Psychologists have studied this phenomenon and have concluded, especially when consumers are making decisions, that three choices are about the maximum to prevent a decision lockup. I mean, consider shopping for jelly (just a random item) at the grocery store. How many freaking choices do you have? If you were making this decision for the first time, you would be utterly clueless and would most likely walk away. Hopefully, you have a favorite, grab it, and go. But I just see all the pretty jars and stare, mesmerized, unable to move, until the cleaning crew comes along and asks me to please move down the aisle. Don't even get me started on the bread selection ...

Yes, part of me is clueless. Part of me is paralyzed. Part of me is stuck in the past, endlessly retrospecting. But there is a flicker of the future burning in the dimmest parts of my mind, illuminating what could be.

I'm a bit of a dreamer. Most of the time, however, I am a realist, dead set on practical matters almost to a fault. My mind occasionally escapes that jail and flits about in complete freedom, only to go back to its cage after a short time. Perhaps I need both the reality and the fantasy in order to stay truly sane. 

"I don't wanna wait for our lives to be over." Thanks, guys, but it's too late for me.

My speculative future is the product of my reality-based thinking. As far as I am concerned, there is no more dreaming. I cannot base decisions on dreams. I'm too old for that crap. There is no room for impulsivity, as I am a middle-aged adult, not one of the Dawson's Creek kids. And my decisions affect my son. 

Let's start by knocking out the easy stuff. I have a decent car. It does what I ask it to do. Once it stops doing that, I'll consider trading it in. Considering my penchant for hunting the elusive members of the deer family, I may get a pickup again someday. I'm sure it will be something fancy like a Tacoma (lovingly referred to by their owners as Tacos). Or I may hang up my rifles and get a Honda Accord (lovingly referred to by their owners as Accords) and put an AARP sticker on the back. Leave me alone. I'm old and I've given up. I want a car that doesn't complain. Cuz I'm sick of complaining. I hear enough of that from my aching bones and joints. 

I live in a small apartment. That will have to change. When I moved in, I knew it would be temporary. My son sleeps on a fold-out mattress on the floor because when he sleeps in the bed with me I wake up with his feet in my face for some reason. Even when he sleeps, he's like a churning turbine. I'm sorry, but I need my sleep. My son is also noisy. Very noisy. Like a hurricane-making-landfall noisy. Most likely, I won't ever make enough money to own a home again, so it's either apartment living or something like it. With apartment living, the potential for my son disturbing the neighbors is great, so a detached living space like a mobile home is the best scenario. And maybe we can have a little yard and maybe a dog someday. I've lived in a manufactured home, which is basically two mobile homes put together on a foundation, so a mobile home wouldn't be much of a stretch. 

How about a woman in my life someday? Haha, no, I'm not touching this one. Suffice to say I'm not planning on being with a woman again. I'm not opposed to the idea; it's just not something I'm planning. How many people can you fit in a trailer? See? Now I need a double-wide. Faaaack. My head just exploded. It's safe to say I have given up on this category. Given the amount of energy needed to start and maintain a relationship, my days of being with a woman are over, especially when you take into account the amount of energy needed to start over in life.

You may think I'm complaining about relationships in general because I didn't get what I wanted. Okay, that may be true. But I realized something recently. Before I moved here, I had so little energy to devote to a relationship, it's no wonder we were in dire straights. And my partner was someone who sucked the energy right out of me, so there was that too. I took some allergy pills the other day. It's the kind that shouldn't make you drowsy and you only take one a day. Well, I took four in short order because they weren't working. And then the next two days were a blur. It reminded me of what my life used to be like. Imagine waking up in the morning and taking a sleeping pill and then trying to go about your day. Doing simple tasks is endlessly frustrating and difficult. That was my life all those years. I was exhausted. And if I get another job like that, that will be my life again. There is no room for a relationship when you feel like that. I'm left with holding onto the warm, fuzzy feelings of the greatest love of my life, and that's probably all I can handle anyway.

My health continues to throw warning lights. I thought I was in the clear, but recent heart rate readings have gone as low as 53 bpm. So: dumb heart, starting over (yet again) in life, new job, a new place to live, settling into a new life with my kid, etc. — it all adds up to a lot of stress. Still, I don't have any choice but to do it. But anyone who has heard one of my old-man hacking and coughing routines knows I'm not in the best shape. Then there's the fact that recently I've actually fallen down or fallen into things after standing up because I blackout, which makes me look like I'm drunk or something.

Not having money limits a lot of things. Sure, the best things in life are free. Smiles are free. Making someone happy is free. Sex is free (unless a pregnancy results, in which case it's about the most expensive thing you can do). Going to the park and having fun with your children is free (unless they fall and break something). Anyway, I have never had much money. My parents are millionaires a few times over, but I've always worked for peanuts (in fact, my dad once took several thousand dollars from me when I was a kid and invested it, keeping the dividends and also the original investment). Also, I've had a hard time saving money. Right now I have about the most money I've ever had, which isn't saying much. Maybe I should leave this one alone, considering it is God who gives us the power to make wealth, in which case, God can change this for better or for worse. So, my financial outlook in the future is unclear. If my nation's economy collapsed tomorrow, my money would be worthless anyway. So, maybe don't worry about this one, Joshua.

My future is uncertain in many ways. One thing I do know is I am staying close to my God. All of these things that concern me could easily be swept away by His hand. But, most likely, He keeps these things in our lives to make sure we need Him. If our lives were carefree and blissful, would we forge a relationship with Him? Not likely. Difficulties often lead to a deeper spiritual walk. But that's up to us. In spite of how my future may play out, this is one thing I have decided: I am staying close to God. If all of the other things I mentioned turned to crap, I will still be the richest man on the planet, accepted in the beloved, and loved unconditionally by the Creator of the universe. Just thinking about it makes my heart burst.

If you're lucky, the future isn't uncertain. You know how your life is going to look five or ten years from now. That's great! However, I've never had that. I could use a little planning here and there. It's really odd that I don't plan my life considering how meticulous I am about other things. I may not know how to plan my life, but I've learned the value of God directing my life, so I guess that's my plan. In that case, the future looks pretty bright! 

So, happy birthday to me. Maybe you're wondering how a middle-aged, divorced man celebrates his midweek birthday. If not, I'll tell you anyway. It's not my week with my son, but he is staying the night with me. Maybe we'll go out for pizza. He likes pineapple on his pizza. That's weird, but that's just fine with me. It's already better than my last birthday which I spent alone. 

Thanks for reading!