my careless contagion

Twenty-two notebooks. These are they. Twenty-two notebooks of my writings going back to 1995 or 1996 (I started writing on yellow legal paper) up until 2017 or 2018. Why am I bringing this up? I'm glad you asked, faithful reader. Because those notebooks I just threw out. Herein is another prayer, full of hope and expectancy.  I asked God about what might be tying me to sad emotions, unhappiness, etc. Whatever was stealing my joy, I wanted to get rid of. If you leaf through those notebooks, you'll see why I got rid of them. It was full of trauma, pain, and endless emoting over past hurt. I was attempting to grapple with the sad state of my life, my childhood, etc. There is even a note in there about how my brother grabbed my hand so hard it bled. This was after I left home, mind you. I don't need those things anymore. Is this symbolic? Perhaps. And it might mean something more to throw them out. If there is anything connected with those notebooks that is pulling me in a sad ...

I started a video blog today for my therapy. I share the link here in case anyone wants to keep tabs on that. The first video was long because I don't know what I'm doing. Obvious audio/visual problems exist, plus my thoughts are slow in coming (didn't help that I hadn't eaten anything). It's clear this is not for everyone. Watch if you want. With practice, this could be a very effective therapy. I just need to clean it up a bit.  Thank you all for following along on this strange journey.  God bless. Click here for my new blog, None Dare Call It Treason.  

This is my (brilliantly titled) end-of-year post. And what a year it has been. I apologize in advance, as this is a long post. Ya might wanna get some popcorn. 2019 started with a hefty dose of back to reality. It's definitely been a strange ride. Some highlights include seeing Cindy and meeting her kids (a highlight for me, probably not for them), as well as seeing my son embrace Play Partners (which is a sort of junior kindergarten which meets twice a week). Next was getting my two-year degree. I felt good about those things. Unfortunately, the year ended knowing there was no desire for a relationship on Cindy's end. She decided to mend her relationship with her ex. That's definitely good for her, as it was hard to see her wallowing in what I thought was indecision. Bad for me, though. All the illusions I had about us ended. But, that doesn't take away from good things that happened this year. And all I can do is follow God's lead, even though it takes me une...

This list could literally go on for days. But here's part two of the many things that make me smile! Memes. Duh. They're funny. Except for the ones that aren't. Those are dumb. Neil Diamond. He must have been on the radio at a lot when I was in the womb; that's my theory — I must have thought he was my dad or something. I just love the man and all of his music (except his Christmas album; he's a Jew, for golly's sake). I saw him perform live once, actually, in Columbus, Ohio. He had a really bad cold or something so he sounded like a monster. Not even kidding. The venue had to refund a lot of tickets. I loved it anyway.  John Denver. I may as well just say, "a lot of musicians like Neil Diamond and John Denver; you know, from that era." Throw Jim Croce in there. I melt every time Stevie Wonder gets airplay. I love so much of that old music. Can you tell I was born in the '70s? In fact ... The 1970s. I love this decade. I love the ha...

Keanu can make anyone smile. He's the internet's boyfriend. I've spent so much time nailing down problems in my life, trying to understand them, trying to move through very hard situations, that I've become very tired of that process. Writing about all of that usually comes at the end of that process, so by that time, I'm really tired of it. So, let's talk about something else.  I read recently that men are more emotionally closer to their dogs than people. Truly, a dog is a man's best friend. I have thought a lot lately about getting a dog, but my life may change again, and soon, so I don't want to bring an animal into an unstable environment. Dogs are creatures of habit, and they get stressed out when things change a lot. Hey, I get it. I'm that way too.  So, maybe I can't have a dog right now. But, what else can put a smile on my face? What brightens my day? Be it big or be it small, there are many things that put me in a better mood....

It's hard to explain what goes on inside our heads. We can talk all day long, but if those we talk to have no experience with the weirdness that's so familiar to us, then it's no use. I have struggled most of my life with what I perceive as normal and my inability to be normal (but I insist normal does not exist). Around the age of 30, I decided it was a fruitless endeavor and nearly impossible to change my core personality or ensconced behaviors.  Years ago, I read a book about the power of being an introvert. It made sense, and it even stated that most people in this world are introverts (about 60 percent), but most will not self-identify as introverts. The trouble with being an introvert is we are often undervalued, especially in American culture, where the extrovert rules. And an introvert in America looks very different from an introvert in, say, the United Kingdom. That's the influence of culture.  Every personality type has things that exhaust and ...

Recently, I came across the term "echoism," which is described more in-depth in an article here (originally from a post on themighty.com) than I can get into. The article hit home for me; maybe I could even see myself reflected in it. Heh. Most people know the story of Narcissus and Echo, so I won't touch on that, but I will state that every Narcissus needs an Echo, and vice versa. The post on themighty.com focuses on narcissistic parents, which if I think about it long enough, I can say that at least one of them deserves that label, while the other one could be categorized as fragile (or a fragile narcissist). It's possible both could take that title, though. I'm not really concerned about making that declaration, especially because the Bible tells us to honor our father and mother, with the promise of having a long life. Honestly, though, I'm not interested in having a long life, so who cares? I think one of my brothers probably qualifies as a narcis...