End-of-year post

This is my (brilliantly titled) end-of-year post. And what a year it has been. I apologize in advance, as this is a long post. Ya might wanna get some popcorn.

2019 started with a hefty dose of back to reality. It's definitely been a strange ride. Some highlights include seeing Cindy and meeting her kids (a highlight for me, probably not for them), as well as seeing my son embrace Play Partners (which is a sort of junior kindergarten which meets twice a week). Next was getting my two-year degree. I felt good about those things. Unfortunately, the year ended knowing there was no desire for a relationship on Cindy's end. She decided to mend her relationship with her ex. That's definitely good for her, as it was hard to see her wallowing in what I thought was indecision. Bad for me, though. All the illusions I had about us ended. But, that doesn't take away from good things that happened this year. And all I can do is follow God's lead, even though it takes me unexpected places. Trust is built. Faith is always rewarded.

Let's get the bad stuff out of the way. This was the year I got closure for two relationships (actually, I could also include closure for what took place with Cindy and me in 1997 as well, so make that three). I could relate a whole lot about how and why those things happened, but this is just an overview. I've focused on specific threads in my blog, but there are many more I could introduce (and probably should introduce for the sake of full disclosure). But, my blog functions as therapy. I don't bring everything to therapy. 

It has not been a good year. Yes, some good things happened. But overall, it was shit. It's hard not to be upset because it sometimes feels unfair. While others are celebrating the awesome year they had and are gearing up for New Year's parties and yet another awesome year to come, I'm contemplating what has been one of the worst years of my life. When do I get a break? All I can do is look forward and try to make the best of what I have. All I can do is lay my pitiful life in God's hands every single day and hope He pulls off a miracle and makes something great out of something decidedly not-so-great. All I can do is focus on the blessings I have, not on what I don't have.

So, what have I learned this year? The most important thing is I've stopped leaning on my own understanding. I've decided to simply trust God even though it looks like everything is going down the toilet. He isn't going to lead me into harm's way. It may be uncomfortable. It may feel like I'm dying. Sometimes when you invite God into your life, He brings the wrecking ball. And things are just a mess for a while. But you didn't need that stuff anyway; you need Him.

This whole strange tale I'm telling goes back to key conversations with God. The weirdest things have happened just because I trusted Him. There are so many narratives going, it is hard to keep track, but the most important one is my relationship with God. That has become the dominant theme of this blog, and I understand that may turn some people off. But it's my story.

I've changed. I've learned. I've hoped beyond all reasonable hope. Indeed, I've seen hope die a thousand times and return a thousand and one times. I know darkness doesn't last forever and morning comes eventually. I've seen the end of my world. I've looked into the bleakest of futures. But I am not afraid. I don't have to go alone.

I lost at least a couple of years. I'm not sure what happened. A lot. While extremely depressed, I was in school (at one point taking 13 credit hours), went through a divorce, was working full time, lost the girl I'm in love with, moved a couple of times, commuted to work sometimes an hour each way, found my faith grow and deepen, lost faith in a lot of people, and somehow found myself come out the other side okay. But not the same. Almost unrecognizable. And I'm not just talking about my dad-bod.

 
Some other things that have happened this year: I got 5G, which means I have two modems now, one fast and one slower. Apparently, I can use either one. Haha. Who cares. 

I started drinking beer again. No, I didn't fall off the wagon. It's nonalcoholic beer (no more than .5%, and I'm sure the kombucha I make has more alcohol than that). And I don't drink it very often because it's kinda expensive (being organic craft beer and all). 

Not surprisingly, I am not the same person I was before all of this. I'm alive. That's all I know. The lines in my face are deeper. I'm sadder. My eyes shy away from people more than they used to. I pull back from people more than I ever did. My hair got grayer (and the gray moved to my beard in a big way), but I have enough to comb. I don't look at women the same way anymore. I look for little reminders in them of the girl I loved with a previously unknown fierceness. The world doesn't hold the same fascination or appeal it once did. My heart has changed. I walk through the same world seeing everything differently. Everything is harder when you're depressed. I've lived my life this way, unfortunately, but now I know why. I may not know how to escape it, but now I can see it coming so I can prepare myself. I've always survived on meager rations, be it love or hope or money. In that way, I am much the same. 

Time will tell if it is a good or bad thing, but I have changed so radically inside I am nearly unrecognizable to myself. It's like living with a stranger, but only meeting them in passing from time to time. It could be a temporary dissociative thing, but it is starting to look permanent at this point. 

This may be a good place to interject something I learned this year. This is important and explains a lot (especially when it comes to what I think I deserve). Because of my childhood trauma, I choose scenarios where I will fail. Why? Because my outward life must match what I feel inside. I feel a permanent sadness. It's been there my whole life, yet I couldn't make sense of it. But now, I know who put it there and why it stays with me. Anyway, I choose situations I know I'll fail so I have a reason to look sad. Otherwise, I will be sad and my life looks great and people will wonder why I'm sad. It's me covering for the childhood trauma. As long as I have some other reason to be sad or upset, I don't have to question why I'm sad. I can just point to something terrible that happened in my life (romantic heartbreak, divorce, a shitty job, the weather, rocks in my shoes, etc.). That rescues me from feeling like an imposter. This explains why I can't handle success. I can't be sad when I'm successful, can I? All of this stuff was surfacing while I was going through some really dark situations, so it was hard to suss it out, but now I see it. My childhood trauma has been the driver of so much heartbreak. Why? Because it must be felt. I just couldn't link my sadness back to what was actually making me sad (because the silence was protecting it — and me). It's why I hung onto my marriage for so long. It made me sad. What an awful reason for staying married. 

Another thing God showed me is I don't have to honor my father and mother for the things they did that were wrong. The Bible says to honor our father and mother in the Lord. So if they do something ungodly, we don't have to respect or honor them for that. That frees me to be honest about a lot of things. I felt conflicted about that, but now I don't. Anyway, there's no hiding what came to the surface now. It had to surface. It had to be dealt with. It had to be recognized and confronted. We think silence protects us from feeling retraumatization, but retraumatization happens anyway. I tried silence. I tried covering it up. None of that worked. Getting it out in the open is the only thing that has helped me thus far. And, well, that was God's doing, so I can't take credit for that.

Some people get through life seemingly unscathed, like a fish in a stream enjoying being a fish in a stream. Content. Whole. Unconcerned. Haha, maybe that's all a fantasy. I've had to claw my way through everything. My life has been hard, perhaps harder than it should have been. It's difficult to not feel bitter or angry or frustrated. I've had to let that go. That part of my life is gone. It's not forgotten, but it's gone. I've given the rest of my years to God, which is what I think He sought in this great mess. I gave my life to God when I was 15. I said, "You can have my life to use as you wish." And then two years later, I was on my own trajectory. I forgot about that promise, but God didn't. He reminded me of that and reclaimed me. That's the greatest thing to come from all this pain. I found the thing I was truly missing. No, I never completely let go of my faith. I always read my Bible and said my prayers. Every day I still read my Bible. I can't live without it. I've learned it's always best to do what God tells me to do, regardless of the perceived cost. It's hard not to feel all this was engineered with this end in mind. All these crises were put in place to make good on that promise I made when I was 15. What the purpose was in all this pain for anyone else, I can only guess, but I'm positive I know why I had to go through it.

As far as Cindy goes, she and I had conversations where she explained what was going on with her and how the "tables turned" with us. She didn't owe me an explanation, but she did give me one because she's a decent, honest human being. She ended our relationship years ago, yet she continued to help me gain a sense of closure. She is truly an outstanding woman to care that much. She never wanted to hurt me, and perhaps that's why things ended without an actual ending (but, unfortunately, I'm one of those people who need an actual ending). How she chose to repair her life or proceed since breaking things off with me is none of my business. She is not beholden to me. Our little dalliance ended more than 2.5 years ago. Whatever happened since then is none of my business, but she did try to help me understand, which I appreciated. There are certain things that follow when someone pursues reconciliation, and those things follow the heart. I cannot lay claim to her heart, though I offered her mine. Proclaiming my love only made things endlessly difficult for her, as she never wanted to hurt me. The only things I can, with a clear conscience, now offer are prayers and a silent, respectful retreat. I don't pretend to know anything that has gone on in her life in the last 2.5 years. She made a decision. That decision didn't include me. End of story. She did what made sense to her. She's a big girl who I'm sure made the best decisions she could. Everything that could have been said was said, and many times. Everything that could have been done was done. What happened had to happen. She's proven to be everything I ever thought she was and more. I wish her only happiness. More happiness than she can contain. She deserves it.

All of that is over. I will wait until the last second expires on the promise I feel God gave me. I've had some conversations with God which I should introduce here, but I think I've said too much already. However, I will say this: once it is clear I am in error and have simply deluded myself all this time (and there's no way to know for sure until time runs out), I have already made plans for the next steps, one of which is moving away from this place (which is already on my list but will move up importance). Barring unforeseen events, I will move somewhere where I have no past connection. There will be no constant reminders of romantic heartbreak or family unfairness or childhood trauma or even anyone I know. It will be a new place where I can start over without extra baggage. Also, perhaps just importantly, it will not be nearly as cold as this place. In the meantime, and now that I have closure, it is time to get healthy and whole again.

This year I started out a different man than I am now. Increasingly, peace has crept into me. I never saw it happen, but it's there. I think it happened while I spent so much time literally on my knees in prayer. It is the biggest and perhaps the best surprise this year afforded. While my life looks nothing like how I wanted it to look, I cannot deny I am content. Yes, I'm sad, but also content. Maybe it's the illness (which now seems a permanent guest in my body) that grew out of depression that went to my brain, but I feel calm and at peace. Something just switched off, and what I hear is silence when before it was a constant hum of something — a generator, a storm, a cranky old machine, talking in the hallway. To feel peace after enduring this very bad and tumultuous year is nothing short of a miracle. I have a radically different perspective from even the beginning of the year, and certainly since my divorce, and definitely from a few years ago. Whereas before I believed in God, now it feels like I actually know God. And this is likely just the beginning.

Maybe a few tangents, actually.

Also, I got a new winter coat. This may not seem like big news, but I wear a coat almost year-round, so it's an improvement. My old, burgundy L.L. Bean coat has seen better days, though it doesn't deserve to be outright retired. I've had that coat for probably 10 years, so it's time to put it on light-duty work.

In other news, I took a class to be certified enhanced conceal carry (still haven't finished the paperwork, though), which will allow me to conceal carry a weapon in, I think, 38 states. I learned quite a bit, though not enough to confidently carry every day. One strange thing I should note is the gun I've been shooting I was looking at (on sale) online, thought I couldn't afford that much at the time, so said a short prayer saying if God wanted me to have the gun (which seems a strange thing to ask God) He would provide a way. I sent an email to my brothers and my dad asking if they thought it was a good gun, as I really don't know much about handguns (I like old war rifles). That's all I asked. My oldest brother said it was indeed a good gun, he had one just like it, and I could have his. All I had to do was pay shipping. It turned out, though, he bought me a new gun and had it shipped to my local dealer. All I had to do was pay the transfer fee. Prayer answered.

For some reason, God wanted me to have that gun. That brings up a number of questions, but I don't have any answers. Also, I had a used AR-15 drop into my lap for free in much the same way. There are some things I should probably mention here, things I've had on my heart a long time, but I don't feel the time is right. Anyway, I do believe I have the right to protect those I love and my community. That's a God-given right. And I always pray over a new firearms purchase that it would never be used in a way contrary to God's will. Still, there is cause for speculation. If you want to take this thing further, look at what is going on in Virginia right now with gun rights. It's something I never thought I'd see in this country, but it's happening. I do not advocate violence, but I do advocate self-defense. The Second Amendment was not designed to thwart burglaries (though it works for that too), but, rather, its intended purpose is to protect citizens from government overreach. China has a similar constitution as the United States, but they lack a Second Amendment-type right which makes all of their other rights of no effect. Without the Second Amendment, none of our rights hold any water. It's the one right that supports the rest. If you are a praying Christian, right now is the time to pray for the United States (II Chronicles 7:14). Some think taking guns away from people will save lives, but history tells us gun confiscation leads to much higher loss of life. Only that loss of life comes not from fellow citizens, but from power-hungry governments.

On a lighter note, a wonderful thing that happened this year was I saw two women I grew up with (one I've known since the 2nd grade, one since the 4th grade, I think) get engaged. Mind you, they've both been married before (twice each?) with other relationship miscues, and with spousal abuse factoring into those relationships. I think they're both comfortable with who they're with, and they do sound like nice guys, though no one is perfect. One of the girls broke up with her guy for a few weeks before announcing their engagement. She told me about that, so I got on the horn and prayed about it, asking God to allow for reconciliation if it was His will and to remove the obstacles preventing them from being together. A short time later, she was engaged! She said she had nearly given up on him. I'm sure not all the problems have been solved, but whatever it was that caused them to break up isn't an issue anymore. I'm so glad because I really like their love story. And I love that perhaps God answered my prayer and removed the problem. I've seen so many prayers answered this year, and I haven't given that enough space on this blog. I'm so grateful for answered prayers. 

One thing I realized this year is, despite the fact that I see my son only half the time, I have probably spent more time with him already than my dad ever did with me. I get down on myself for being a bad father, but the truth is, I'm better than what was modeled for me. Still, it took me a long time to realize I could fit another bed in my bedroom. I just had to turn my bed, and ... well, it's a tight fit. But now my son has his own bed, so my place feels a little more like home to him. No more fold-out mattress on the floor. There were a lot of things I didn't see coming this year. Moving into this small place was one of those things. It's temporary. But making it work was another thing I didn't see coming.

For reasons stated on this blog, I am a deeply broken person. If I don't read my Bible every day, I will die. It fills and sustains me, but every day I leak out again and must return. It is, after all, living water. There is a constant craving for the Word of God. Without it, I have no reason to live. And no way to sustain my life. That is the legacy of being a broken person. You know you're never enough. But God is always enough. I no longer think of going my own way. Where would I go? It is Jesus Christ, after all, who has the words of life. This may seem pathetic to a lot of folks, but it's how I have to live now. Some people have medications they have to take the rest of their lives. I have mine too, but I don't have to worry about side effects.

If anyone is still reading this blog, thank you for following along (and you can be sure this blog will continue into 2020). This isn't quite the story I intended to write, but it all came from my heart and it is 100 percent true. As this year closes, I wish all of you a wonderful new year. And, as always, God bless.