Some notes on worship

This post will no doubt raise a few eyebrows. But, I discuss my theories here sometimes, so bear with me. Believe whatever you want to believe. 

My God is a jealous God. I went the other way from Him most of my life, only to be brought back. My God jealously fought for me and sought me out, and put me into situations He knew would crush my resolve to lead a life He could not bless. Eventually, I ran back to Him, mostly because He took away all other choices! 

I gave my life to God when I was 15. I don't mean that I accepted Jesus as my savior then; I did that when I was a little boy and many times, actually. I mean I gave my entire life, every second, every moment, every breath to God. It was a promise I made. Then I rescinded it and did my own thing because following God is hard. But God didn't forget my promise, and that's why He chased me so zealously in the intervening years. I put a lot of idols in my heart in that time (really, anything that prevented me from following God was a possible idol), and since then, they've all been taken away. Because my God cannot have any other gods before Him. He is a jealous God, and more so when you give your life to Him completely. It's a complete surrender, I would come to learn.

I've been asking God what my attitude should be in all my afflictions. I mean, my life has always been pretty crappy, but especially so lately. I have to admit, I've been angry with God. He keeps telling me I should have an attitude of praise and worship and gratitude and thanksgiving. That's a tall order when you're barely making it through each day, but I try to find something to praise God about and thank Him for all His blessings. 

There are some threads I really ought to mention, but I just can't. Not yet, at least. And maybe not ever. I think it would properly flesh out this whole thing, but I don't feel God is letting me say those things. So I'll say what I can. I can't risk shifting the entire narrative of this blog at this point. I have to keep my tangents to a minimum.

In the almost two years since my divorce was finalized, I've had a few conversations with my ex and have discussed what went wrong. Leading up to our divorce, there were many more conversations. Some of them she remembers; some I remember. But, mostly, I remember the darkness and oppression of that house we lived in and how it surely contributed to our relationship's demise. It was like the house embodied our general unhappiness. 

Anyway, and this was a surprise to me, my ex told me at one point she worshipped me (and we all know how God feels about having other gods before Him). Yes, it's natural that a woman has strong feelings for her husband, but worship is something else, something ungodly. The devil doesn't have to work hard to get us to screw up; he just uses our natural proclivities against us, just as a hunter does his prey. And, I do question how much she worshipped me because she treated me very poorly at the same time, so I guess she worshipped her own wants more than me? She's gone on the record as saying our divorce had to happen and she didn't blame me for it. Anyway, It was her belief that's why God allowed our relationship to fail. I felt all along God's fingerprints were all over this thing, but I didn't have enough evidence to say that. Maybe He didn't cause our divorce, but He seemed to consent to it and use it for His purposes. In God's hands, the devil is just a tool. He is, after all, a created being with predictable behavior. Either way, I feel God used my divorce to correct what was wrong. It seems He's done the same thing in my ex's life. In essence, God took away one of Kate's gods — me. 

Here's where the worship thing comes in. Even though we went through something horrible, there is something here that's more than a silver lining. When God chastens us, we know we belong to Him, otherwise, why would He be chastening us? Every time I feel God is punishing me, I know I belong to Him and He loves me. God doesn't chasten those who don't belong to Him. Why would He? Do I spank kids who don't belong to me? I'm pretty sure that would be frowned upon. So I belong to God, and that's something to be thankful for, even though it may not seem that great at the time. 

Here's where the thumbs come up to the chest. Here's where the fingers point back at me. What about my relationship with Cindy? I've already pointed out one reason I think God allowed that whole shebang to fail. Well, this could be another. Obviously, I at least bordered on worshipping her. I'm pretty sure I did actually worship her, if I'm honest. And we're all about being honest on this blog, aren't we, Joshua? Yes, I care about her. Yes, I loved her. But, I went way beyond that. God put me in a corner and simply asked, "Do you love her more than you love me?" That's the test. I'm still taking that test. When you love God, you're obedient to Him. Now I see why He told me those two things nearly two years ago. He didn't want me to sacrifice something I loved; He wanted obedience (I Samuel 15:22). He wanted me to love Him more than anything else. That is, after all, the first commandment and the most important.

I'm writing this in the darkness of a Saturday morning before I head out hunting, but my mind is full of light. God has corrected me. That relationship had to end. I do love that girl, but I do not love her more than I love God. I did, perhaps (not entirely sure), but I know I do not now. I think I've proven that by now, but I'm not finished. There is more to be done. Are there more idols in my heart? Surely God knows and He will find them out. My heart may seem unknowable to me, but He sees everything. As I prepare for my day, I feel clean inside. I feel bleached and scrubbed. I'm certainly a work in progress, but God is doing the work so I feel blessed. All I can do is live my life the best way from here on out.

Yes, I feel Cindy is a wonderful woman, and it's fine to appraise her as such. I think she embodies so many Christian attributes (seemingly without trying), but those things come from God. All good things come from God, including Cindy. And, hopefully, that deer I'm going to bag today. It's just another blessed day in God's creation. Everything that comes my way comes from Him. So I'll thank Him and praise Him no matter what those things are or what I feel I deserve. That's my job, and it's not even a hard job. 

Thank you for reading.