my careless contagion

Another milestone for this blog! I've reached 400 posts in a little over two years. That equals a post every 2-3 days. That's a lot of writing, which equals a lot of therapy. Thank you for following along! I'm tired of talking about myself. I'm tired in general. Perhaps the bulk of the work is done. Through this reflective writing therapy, considerable insight was gained. Putting my thoughts and feelings here was valuable.  When this blog began, I had no idea where it would take me. I wrote because I didn't have anyone with whom to share my thoughts and feelings. I needed an outlet at a very ugly time in my life. My divorce was the catalyst for this blog, though many things have been discussed since then. I've gone through just about every emotion and have somehow survived, though I am changed. I am a decidedly different human being than when I entered the portal of pain called divorce. As for the dissolution of my marriage, perhaps the best way to sum ...

I decided, after enduring one of the worst years of my life (2019), it's clear this new year needs to carry a different tune. In my praying and soul searching, I've gone to God to ask what kind of attitude I should have through all of these harsh realities. The answer was I should rejoice, I should praise Him, and I should be thankful. So I will focus on those themes in 2020. I do, after all, have a lot to rejoice about, praise God about, and be thankful for.  God's answers to my many prayers are in themselves something to rejoice about, praise Him for, and be thankful for. But I was reminded of a moment when I was told to essentially discard a great blessing, at least, symbolically. It involved a bad sweater.  It seems like a long time ago, but it wasn't that long ago. When my ex, Kate, and I moved to the Black Hills nearly 6 years ago, we were starting over. We barely had any money. She was working part-time, and we had crazy bills to pay. She cashed in her ret...

This post examines the meaning of the word reconcile. I've put the definition I found here. 2019 gave me a lot to reconcile, needless to say. This is how I sorted things out. reconcile ( r ɛ kənsaɪl ) Word forms: reconciles , reconciling , reconciled 1.   transitive verb If you reconcile two beliefs, facts, or demands that seem to be opposed or completely different, you find a way in which they can both be true or both be successful. It's difficult to reconcile the demands of my job and the desire to be a good father. 2.   ergative passive verb If you are reconciled with someone, you become friendly with them again after a quarrel or disagreement. He never believed he and Susan would be reconciled. 3.   transitive verb If you reconcile two people, you make them become friends again after a quarrel or disagreement. ...my attempt to reconcile him with Toby. 4.  transitive verb If you reconcile yourself...

This post will no doubt raise a few eyebrows. But, I discuss my theories here sometimes, so bear with me. Believe whatever you want to believe.  My God is a jealous God. I went the other way from Him most of my life, only to be brought back. My God jealously fought for me and sought me out, and put me into situations He knew would crush my resolve to lead a life He could not bless. Eventually, I ran back to Him, mostly because He took away all other choices!  I gave my life to God when I was 15. I don't mean that I accepted Jesus as my savior then; I did that when I was a little boy and many times, actually. I mean I gave my entire life , every second, every moment, every breath to God. It was a promise I made. Then I rescinded it and did my own thing because following God is hard . But God didn't forget my promise, and that's why He chased me so zealously in the intervening years. I put a lot of idols in my heart in that time (really, anything that prevented me from...

Cindy. I've written about her extensively. I've thought of her much more extensively. And I have loved her much more.  When she came back into my life in December 2016, it was like a revelation. I was instantly thankful. Here was the girl I had missed all those years. I was pretty sure I was going to fall in love with her the first time around, but it became clear I really had; I just didn't know how to say it.  And the second time around, I fell in love again, and quickly. But, within months, our relationship was over. I had broken open her world. Not just her life, but inside, as well. I don't know if she ever told others what she told me, but I felt we shared deeply. I hope she trusted me as much as I trusted her. I gave her my world, my heart, my endless love.  There is nothing but gratitude now. She is gone. She is silent. I know she is living her life, but I am no longer a part of it. Does she think of me 100 times a day like I do her? I hope she remember...

Above is a picture of Iron Cowboy, aka James Lawrence. Netflix is currently offering a documentary, which I have seen, about his ridiculous feats. See the description below.  I'm no Iron Cowboy. But I do have a lot of positive things going on! I'm not pushing my body like James Lawrence, but I am pushing boundaries and making gains. Many are small things, but small things add up. Everything matters, and I choose to not "despise the day of small beginnings." It's true that redheads have a measurably higher pain threshold than the rest of us, but that alone cannot explain James Lawrence's feats. Human beings are capable of amazing things. Even regular people like me can push boundaries in a good way! I dwell on problems here in my blog. That is deliberate. It's part of the understanding and problem-solving processes. However, to balance things out a bit, how about I post some positive stuff? Here we go.  I got a loveseat. This makes my livin...

Perfect by Ed Sheeran is a romantic fairytale of a song. It is beautiful. It is lyrical perfection. I imagine this song has been played thousands of times at weddings and high school dances across the world (and not just because it's a waltz). And the video — which has over 2 billion views, well — there's even a kitten in it!  I hesitate to use the word "perfect" because there is no such thing as perfection in this world. But I've used that word to describe the woman I love. I don't know if love simply blinds us to imperfections or what, but some people really do seem perfect.  During my recent visit to Nebraska, I got to hang out with the woman I am head over heels in love with. The last day, she told me I should see her as she really is without any makeup, with her hair up, and in her jammies. What did she expect me to see? I still saw the beautiful woman I'm in love with. Nothing changed for me. I'd love to wake up next to that every day. Tr...

For this post, I reprise my role as Sad Keanu. Go away, bird. This post is a milestone — post number 300! I've been writing steadily for more than a year and a half (sometimes posting multiple times a day) about my various struggles. This space is a safe, healing place where I can fall apart and reassemble myself in front of a largely anonymous audience. In short, this is my therapy. But I need a break.  I've put so many thoughts and feelings here in a relatively short amount of time, and after my recent trip to Nebraska, I decided to slow down. There feels like a backlog of things I need to process. There are four drafts I have yet to post, three of which contain some beautiful sentiments, so I will post them. The fourth post I've been working on for weeks and is tentatively titled "Fifty reasons why I won't get the girl." I have not decided whether it will be seen or not. On one hand, it is part of my thought process and needs to be documented her...