The best thing

Cindy. I've written about her extensively. I've thought of her much more extensively. And I have loved her much more. 

When she came back into my life in December 2016, it was like a revelation. I was instantly thankful. Here was the girl I had missed all those years. I was pretty sure I was going to fall in love with her the first time around, but it became clear I really had; I just didn't know how to say it. 

And the second time around, I fell in love again, and quickly. But, within months, our relationship was over. I had broken open her world. Not just her life, but inside, as well. I don't know if she ever told others what she told me, but I felt we shared deeply. I hope she trusted me as much as I trusted her. I gave her my world, my heart, my endless love. 

There is nothing but gratitude now. She is gone. She is silent. I know she is living her life, but I am no longer a part of it. Does she think of me 100 times a day like I do her? I hope she remembers me fondly at least a little bit. I didn't deserve to have her, and she didn't deserve the destruction of her world. In that way, we were both so undeserving. 

What happened was more than a love affair. It was more than two people finding each other after many years. It was more than just a pair of divorces. Something happened (and is still happening) in her. Her world had to break. I'm sorry it was me who broke it. Just as my pain had to happen in order to get to a better place, she had to shatter like she did. God picks all of us up when we fall. If He sees the sparrows fall to the ground, how much more does He care for us? And, boy, did we fall. My heart broke for so many people, and I was the last one to receive sympathy. I know she felt all of that a thousand times more powerfully. Because she has the biggest heart I've ever seen. 

I know I won't get the chance, but if by a cosmic accident I get another chance with her, it will be different. It will be better. I'll know her differently and better, and I'll hold her like the rare and precious thing she is. And I will love her like she's the best thing I've found in this world. Because she is. 
 

Some notes on my blog:

It may appear I haven't been writing as much recently, but I have; I'm simply not posting as much. There are several drafts that may end up being posts, but more likely, they will stay as drafts or end up deleted. It appears the power of writing my journey down is the same whether I post or not. It looks like I've lost some readers, so it's just as well if I don't continue to post constantly. Maybe y'all really did get sick of my whining. But I digress.

Something happened recently that has torn down an incredible obstacle I could not see around, much less climb over. I don't know how to write about what has happened, but I will say God has shown me something that has helped me progress rapidly through a gauntlet of unpleasant things. I truly feel blessed He has helped me see what I could not see before. Where before there was anger, now there is only a warm, soft spot. I can see many relationships I've struggled with changing as a result of this revelation. Some people I will have to keep at a distance in order to heal. That's not my choice; it's simply a necessity.

I give all the glory to God for the progress I've seen lately. God truly moves mountains for His people. What I saw as impossible is now a reality.  

Another thing I want to mention is about the woman I love, Cindy. For nearly two years now, God has shown me I have zero right whatsoever to be angry with her. I wondered how that could be, and maybe some of you wonder too, considering anger is often a necessary step in dealing with grief and if she ended our relationship, then I certainly have something to grieve. Well, God told me I must not be angry with her. Now I know why. I'm not at liberty to disclose exactly why, but I get it now. I know you all deserve a better explanation than that, but I write about my own inner-workings, not necessarily someone else's inner-workings.

So I must apologize for the way I presented Cindy here. I have shown her to be cold and remorseless in ending our friendship more than two years ago, among other things. She is not the person I showed you. She is the kindest person I've ever known, and her heart is bigger than the moon. I feel torn because I want to correct the narrative I've presented here, which is a false narrative, as it turns out. But my blog is about living and learning, and this is an accurate account of my journey. 

What Cindy has been going through is so much bigger than a divorce. I will say that much. It's like her whole world was broken open. Her crisis is so much bigger than I ever imagined. I will continue to pray for her and wish her the best, of course. 

So, I apologize to her, and I apologize to all of you, and I apologize to God most of all. There were simply things I didn't know, and I can only write from my own perspective. I'm sorry. But, I will say this: What God has shown me and told me has never been found to be wrong. Just because what He told me looked different from my reality didn't make it false. That's the nature of faith, I guess. We can't trust our eyes. Hey, I'm learning. 

So, if anyone is still reading here, thank you for reading. I'll try to keep posting for you.