The nonsense of being

Alex Honnold after his death-defying, 3,000 ft. free solo climb of El Capitan in 2017.

Death is terrifying. It's like walking through a door you can't ever reopen. It is the most final thing we can do. It's not that our lives are so short, though some of them are. It's that we're dead for so long. 

So many millions and billions have died before me. I should be assured it is nothing but common to die. Yet, I have not died, therefore, it is an uncommon experience for me. 

I'm not concerned about myself, as I trust my eternity to God. I did nothing to be brought into this world, He has gotten me through my life thus far, and my eternity is entirely up to Him, as well. However, what about those left behind? 

I've contemplated suicide many times, for years, really. Most of my life. I remember being in the back of the family car (station wagon, Suburban, I don't remember which) and wishing with all of my might to die. I was banished yet again to the back of the vehicle. I was alone and angry, and I wanted all of them to feel bad I was gone. That was the first time suicide entered my mind. In fact, I wonder if it ever left. 

Ecclesiastes points out what I have known my entire life. Life itself is vanity. It's pointless. The only worthwhile thing is to do the will of God. Human beings are so riled up with so many pointless things, and when we're gone nothing is left but memories in the minds of those who knew us, and those, too, are soon erased. 

Alex Honnold, the intrepid free climber (using no gear) known mostly for being featured in the film Free Solo, said basically the same thing during the film. When describing the pain left in his wake if he would fall (God forbid) during his historic, record-breaking free solo climb of El Capitan in Yosemite, he said people would hurt for a while, some would say, "That's sad," and life would go on. And that's the thought I always ended with when I contemplated suicide. 

The pain of those left behind has never been the thought that prevented me from taking the final step to kill myself. There's really only a handful of people who would even care, and for them, life would go on. Their pain wouldn't last forever. My pain, however, seems to have no end. 

So why have I stuck around when I clearly just want to die? I used to say, "Just to see what happens next," because life is weird, isn't it? But that's not why. It's very simple: God put me on this planet; He is the one who will take me away. For me to usurp His role would be wrong. And that's the only reason why I am still here. 

What about your son? He has plenty of people to take care of him. What about your family? Haha, next question. What about everyone else? There is no one else. 

Slumber, a Bad Religion song, was originally a lullaby singer/lyricist Greg Graffin used to put his kids to sleep. It was obviously modified to fit the Bad Religion template. But the lyrics, posted at the bottom of the page, are both hopeful and realistic. Life is, after all, pointless. But it's worth living. 

Many people have criticized Alex Honnold for doing something that could so easily lead to his death. His girlfriend, who was featured quite a bit in Free Solo, obviously couldn't deal with watching him climb anymore, and when he made his final ascent, she wasn't even there. The probability he would fall was simply too great. Alex, ever a perfectionist, would argue with that assessment, but not everything in life is under our control. Free Solo is just a microcosm of the world. Death is inevitable. We want to avoid it, of course, but it is our final destination. 

I'm not going to defend Alex much. I think what he's done is superhuman. I have tremendous respect for him and what he has accomplished. There are some things in this world men must do. We are hardwired to break boundaries, to seek immortality. There is a little bit of I-wonder-if-he-has-a-mental-illness in my mind, just as I wonder about anyone who is obsessed with anything, be it a sport or a woman or politics or crocheting. Sure, crocheting won't get you killed, but if it consumes your life, you might have a screw loose. Still, we're all going to die and our lives are pointless, so if you want to climb a mountain with just your hands and feet and brain and giant balls, go ahead. You just might achieve the unachievable. 

So many people have an uptight view of life: This is what you do, this is what is acceptable; everything else is insane. I get all of that. They want their genes to perpetuate. But there are many ways to live. No one is going to miss any of us for very long. And we all have to go down that dark hallway at some point. We may as well live the life we want to live, risks and all.

Slumber

So, you're feeling unimportant,
'cause you've got nothing to say
And your life is just a ramble
No one understands you anyway

Well, I got a piece of news, son,
That might make you change your mind
Your life is historically meaningful
And spans a significant time

Slumber will come soon
And you are helping to put it to sleep
Side by side we do our share
Faithfully assuring that
Slumber will come soon

Well, now, do you feel a little better
Lift up your head and walk away
Knowing we're all in this together
For such a short time anyway

There is just no time to parade around sulking

I would rather laugh than cry
The rich, the poor, the strong, the weak
We share this place together
And we pitch into help it die

I'm not too good at giving morals
And I don't fear the consequence
If life makes you scared and bitter
At least it's not for very long

Slumber will come soon