Innocence lost

The above is one of my favorite pictures of my son. This was the day he finished his swim lessons for the year, and I was so proud of him. I told him how I struggled to pass my swim lessons when I was a child. There were many days he simply didn't want to do what he was told (like putting his head under the water, which I admit is scary when you're not used to it). But we asked that he try, not that he succeed, not that he do anything perfectly. We just asked that he try. And he did.  

It's the image of a child growing up too fast, too. He's only four years old, but so much is expected of him. We oftentimes treat him as we would an adult. I have said countless times how I want him to just slow down ... please, just slow down, you can be an adult the rest of your life; you can only be a kid now. 

Regardless, life moves us along. Today I realized just how far along my son has gotten. There is a reactionary quality to what I need to relate here. Trust me, I understand that sentiment. You're going to ask, "Dad, what are you doing? Why aren't you doing anything?" Well, because what is done is done. 

Today my ex related to me a story. My son was staying with his grandma and said something to the effect of a vagina looks a lot like the crease between a woman's breasts. His grandma quizzed him how he knew such a thing, but he offered no explanation. Further questioning turned up some disturbing facts. 

My son's mother and I recently moved him to a new babysitter because we didn't have a choice. His old babysitter retired, saying it was too much for her ailing body. Indeed, she's had many surgeries lately and more on the way. There were things that happened at her house I've mentioned before like my son licking an older girl's breast as her request, showing butts, kissing on the mouth, etc. Who the hell was watching those kids? Why am I finding these things out from him? Those things we brought to her attention, and I think on some level, those revelations led in part to her retirement.

Well, he doesn't go there anymore. But recent revelations are that things went farther with one of the older girls (actually the same girl). My stomach ties in knots as I write this. There was all of the above and more. There was what we call "playing doctor," showing of genitals, exploration, and touching of each other's genitals and butts. 

Part of me wants to say it's harmless childhood exploration. The term "playing doctor" seems to fit. I don't know about the girl, but my son doesn't see these parts as sexual. Considering this is something his mom and I have reiterated to him, he knows this behavior is not right. He expected to be spanked after he related the story, but she told him simply that sharing bodies with someone is very adult and something he can do someday with his wife, not with everybody, and certainly not now. That was all the right stuff to say.

Still, I am devastated as I write this because he seems to not value his innocence or his childhood. He is racing headlong into adulthood. He can't get there fast enough. Let me say it again: my son is 4 years old. He had his first kiss from a girl at the age of 3. I never "played doctor" with girls at any age, and I didn't have my first kiss until I was 20 years old. I admit, that was late, and I had my own issues to deal with, but still. Slow down, kiddo. 

My son's previous babysitter has shuttered her business, otherwise, this is something we would take to her. As it is now, I don't think she can handle this kind of news, and what would be the point anyway? Should we contact the little girl's family? We already brought a similar accusation to the attention of the babysitter. Really, there is nothing to be done. What happened happened. Teaching my son the proper way to act is the only thing that can be done.

As an aside, I do wonder if this little girl's behavior is indicative of something larger going on in her household. But I ponder how to handle that very touchy situation.

I don't want to blow this up bigger than it is. I also don't want to let it slide. I want my son to learn something, at least. It seems girls especially these days are sexualized at a young age because of our hypersexual culture. When I watch volleyball on TV and the girls are wearing what resembles a swimsuit on their bottoms, I wonder how self-conscious they must feel. Or are they simply used to sharing so much skin with the world? Listening to the radio is often a short-lived event when my son is along for the ride, as it seems every pop song is about sex. There are times I'm glad I don't have cable, too, because there is a whole world of adult stuff these days and he knows how to use a remote. I'm not sure Netflix is any better, but he has his own profile which is for kids. 

Teaching my son the right thing to do is the best inoculation against all of that. Teaching him his body is a gift he can give his wife someday is the right thing to say. But there's a part of me that says something else is at work here. Oftentimes, we see our children make the same mistakes we made. For his mother, watching her son treating his body like this at such a tender age must be heartbreaking. I know she wishes she could take so much of her own behavior back. For her, it must be like a double-edged sword, twice painful — for him and for herself. But I digress.

True, this isn't the worst that could have happened. And I'm sure I will eventually dismiss it all as harmless "playing doctor," (mostly because I think we overreact sometimes as parents and I'm just so damned tired anyway), but I wanted to mark this as a dark day for me, a day I got news I'm not sure how to process except through sadness and prayer. 

So, mommas and daddies, hold onto your babies while you can. Hold them close and teach them to be kids while they are kids. Protect them as much as you can, but also pray when they leave your sight they remain in God's hands. Above all, teach them what they offer a future mate is priceless and precious. You can only have one first — first kiss, first exploration, first time having sex, all of it — and you can't ever take that back. What's done is done.