my careless contagion

The above is one of my favorite pictures of my son. This was the day he finished his swim lessons for the year, and I was so proud of him. I told him how I struggled to pass my swim lessons when I was a child. There were many days he simply didn't want to do what he was told (like putting his head under the water, which I admit is scary when you're not used to it). But we asked that he try, not that he succeed, not that he do anything perfectly. We just asked that he try. And he did.   It's the image of a child growing up too fast, too. He's only four years old, but so much is expected of him. We oftentimes treat him as we would an adult. I have said countless times how I want him to just slow down ... please, just slow down, you can be an adult the rest of your life; you can only be a kid now.  Regardless, life moves us along. Today I realized just how far along my son has gotten. There is a reactionary quality to what I need to relate here. Trust me, I understa...

I've said so much. Too much, really. You know things about me no one else knows. I wonder if I know you even half as well as you know me. As the evening wanes into night, I miss you even more than usual. I wish I had your strength to sit in silence. I cannot but tell the trees and the wind of how much I love you and miss you, how much I wish you were near. I love hard. I don't know any other way. I guess it turns women off, as I've had nothing but failure in love. I wanted too much, said too much, felt too much. And then I hurt too much. Now I sit still and wonder at what tore through me. Missing you used to make me ache. Sometimes it still does. There are the sharp pains and the dull aches that tell me you're nowhere to be found. There are moments I have to hold myself still and hold a hand over my mouth, as it feels I'm falling to pieces and nothing can hold me together any longer. Then the convulsions come, and my whole body shudders in pain. If you wer...

I'm so tired of being tired. I just want it all to end. If there's no Great Beginning and no Great Perhaps, then that's alright. I just need to lay down and not get up again. This is me walking away.  Nothing makes sense anymore; I've only tried to do what's best, what's right. I never said I was perfect. I'm sorry for my mistakes and missteps; if I could walk them back I would. I've led a pretty decent life, and it's okay to let it go. So, this is me letting go. When we broke, I broke too, and that's not like me. I don't break like this, not over a girl. But you're not just an ordinary girl. You're the girl I want. If I had done one good thing for you, maybe it would be okay. I couldn't help but ruin a beautiful thing. I couldn't help but ruin you. This is me saying I'm sorry. I'd take the pain from your eyes if I could. I'd take the pieces of your heart and mend them, even if it took me a thous...