I miss you

I've said so much. Too much, really. You know things about me no one else knows. I wonder if I know you even half as well as you know me.

As the evening wanes into night, I miss you even more than usual. I wish I had your strength to sit in silence. I cannot but tell the trees and the wind of how much I love you and miss you, how much I wish you were near.

I love hard. I don't know any other way. I guess it turns women off, as I've had nothing but failure in love. I wanted too much, said too much, felt too much. And then I hurt too much. Now I sit still and wonder at what tore through me.

Missing you used to make me ache. Sometimes it still does. There are the sharp pains and the dull aches that tell me you're nowhere to be found. There are moments I have to hold myself still and hold a hand over my mouth, as it feels I'm falling to pieces and nothing can hold me together any longer. Then the convulsions come, and my whole body shudders in pain. If you were leaving me, then I could understand the pain, but you never leave. I feel you stronger after the hurt subsides.

I long for an end of this, as I grow more tired every day. My sleep has left me. My mind wanders endlessly. My heart refuses to go on. My poor body drags this sad collection through another day, another week, another month, and yet another pointless year. I wonder how long it can keep this mess together. 

I miss you. I'm sorry I keep trying to drag you back to me. There's something in me that just won't let go. I don't know if I said goodbye, so here it is. Goodbye, my dear. Loving you has been the saddest and happiest thing I've ever known.