A simple comparison

I'm not obsessed, I swear. I just obsessively think about this girl like there's nothing else in the world to think about. Really, it's no big deal. 

I've decided on a simple comparison of our lives to illustrate just how impressive I think she is. 

After my last Facebook (FB) purge, I have around 80 friends. She gets more than that many likes on her posts. She's one of the nicest, friendliest girls I've ever known with a heart as big as the moon, so it makes sense she's garnered a lot of friends. She doesn't use FB to troll people or post stupid memes. She uses it to reach out to her people, to educate, to praise, to cherish those in her life. I don't currently use FB, but when I did I mostly posted articles about stupid stuff bears were doing. Yes, bears. 

She has talents I don't have. This list could be very long. She's creative and crafty. She can bake a cake. She can run a half marathon, mow her lawn, pay the bills, feed the kids, nourish their souls, and a million other things. She may have ten hands, as she accomplishes more in a day than I do in two weeks. 

Her heart is amazing. She has left a mark on so many people's lives, I don't even know where to begin. When the world says it's okay to quit, she keeps showing up and caring. Me, I checked out a long time ago.

She makes a difference. Her job as a speech-language pathologist (SLP) enables her to impact so many lives in a meaningful way, and she's one of the best. Her ability to extend this gift to others in the profession means she trains other SLPs to work at a high level as well. True to form, thinking about her job keeps her awake at night, as her heart just won't quit. But that's not all. She goes above and beyond her duties as an SLP, even making sure the tough cases get showers and receive instruction on grooming and cleanliness. Because she can't stand seeing someone lack necessary things like soap and shampoo, she purchases those things with her own money to give to needy students. She's also taken on the task of checking for head lice. This paragraph could go on, of course, but let my point stand: she's amazing. Sometimes I clean the toilet at work. Yeah. 

Professionally, she carries two degrees. I have none. I may someday be happy to attain an associate's degree, which is nearly useless unless I consider my next step a trade school. She is highly regarded in her field, one of the best. In my field, I am not regarded at all. My job is a hodgepodge of tasks cobbled together to keep me looking somewhat busy. The reason I have a job is my parents felt sorry for me and let me work here. I'm not even kidding. The bonus for them is they get to enjoy their grandson a lot. 

Her children are jewels to her. They are precious to her like I've literally not seen children esteemed before. They sound like wonderful kids, but I've not met them. If they have half the heart as their mother, I'm sure I'll love them if I get to meet them. I have a child, but I rarely see him. I'm a sorry excuse for a father, but I try. That's half the battle, right?

Her ex-husband, who treated her in a way I don't dare repeat at this moment as it will bring tears to my eyes, was greatly loved by her. She dutifully took care of his heart, even though he mistreated and neglected hers. I cannot say that I've seen a more pure example of a loving, doting wife as her. She's the kind of girl who won't even get in a car with another man who isn't her husband to avoid the appearance of evil. In spite of the way her ex treated her, she remained loyal, graceful, and giving even after their marriage ended. Such love is impossible to find in a woman these days. I have no more words for this subject, as she has completely put me to shame. 

She has tons of friends and family. I have no friends and not much family. What I do have I don't even care to have. 

She's a classy girl, but she's also not afraid to be silly. She dresses well, looks good in anything (or nothing), with a level of care that is unrivaled. She always smells good, looks good, and, considering what she's been through, that's amazing. I've let myself go in significant ways. Divorce and bachelorhood can do that to you. If I could go live in a hole the rest of my life, that would suit me just fine. I could live like a naked mole rat.

She lived her life the right way, got her education, got married, got the house, got the kids, retirement plan, etc. She accumulated cultural capital. Her life was perfect when I came back into it. Conversely, I've accumulated jack shit. My possessions have been given away, sold, passed out, returned, or simply discarded. I have no education, no home, a kid I don't see, and a whole mess of broken dreams. I take complete responsibility for my messy life, but it doesn't stand up to any comparison one might make. Unless you would compare me to a naked mole rat. Yeesh. Have you seen those things? 

Most importantly, she has a heart for God. She wants to do the right thing. She wants a relationship with her Lord. This is something we have in common, and it's clearly the main thing we share. We came from different worlds, have different backgrounds, and carry ourselves differently in the world. Nevertheless, this commonality creates a strong bond. 

Our lives are difficult at the moment. We both have numerous challenges. I'm blown away by the way she's carried herself through these difficult times. She's tough. She can be hard when she needs to be. And she makes me weak. I've not handled myself nearly as well as she has in our similar circumstances, a fact not overlooked by me.

It's clear who is the greater catch here. I reiterate what I've always thought of this woman: she is amazing, and she is too good for me. Anyone who has her in their life has a treasure of incomprehensible value. She's always a step (or 50) ahead of me. I could go on all day and all night about what I think of her. The sad truth is, I don't have what it takes to be with her. She'd have to stoop and I'd have to hold myself high, and I don't want that for her. It's good she ended us before I realized how out of her league I would be. It would have been a terrifying realization down the road. She will always have all my love. And, thankfully, none of my bullshit.