All for nothing

The band is Face to Face. The song is All for nothing off their new album. Their newest release is an acoustic album on the venerable Fat Wreck Chords label. This is a sort of greatest-hits album, only with acoustic versions. Trevor Keith's voice sounds strange without cacophonous guitars and a blistering punk rock beat. My first thought was, "Wow, these guys got wussy." Then I listened again and finally felt what they were trying to accomplish. I think it works. When you take the punk rock out and leave the lyrics, sometimes the songs collapse. This is a good song, so it stands on its own. 

As is my modus operandi, I'm going to use a song to talk about something pertaining to my life. I'm going to talk about sacrifice. Trevor is clearly talking about a relationship in this song, and the tone seems to be sacrifice. He's saying, "Here's what I've done. It's all to be with you." The lyrics are not as good as they could be. I'm not sure what happened. Trevor, what the fizzle. But, seriously, it doesn't detract from the song for me. 

My connection with the song is obvious. I've done the sacrificial bit in relationships. I've put myself out there, I've done the stupid thing and put it all on the line. I gambled everything. There hasn't been a relationship the gamble has paid off yet. So, one step further, this song is about loss or more specifically losing in a relationship. Here's the hard truth of relationships. No one wants to say it. I'll say it. There's always a winner and a loser. There's a giver and a taker. One is dominant and one is submissive. One has the power and one does not. It's very simple economics. Give and take. We like to idealize and say relationships are about both people giving and taking, but that almost never happens. Maybe in small ways there's some give and take, but the overall picture of who has the power is clear to those on the outside. Those on the inside may fool themselves and say it's perfect, but everyone else knows that's bull nuts. 

To be with my ex-wife, I gave up many things. I gave up tangible things and intangible things. I put her first. I thought it would pay off someday when she realized how much I had given her and what I went through to be with her. I moved across the country to give our relationship a try. How did she repay me? She cheated on me the first year. The lesson should have been clear. I was using bad economics. She was taking while I was giving. There was no giveback. This worked for her. This did not work for me, as I slipped into a deep depression, my self-esteem dropping with each passing year. Our lives continued like this, and her voracity for consuming me knew no bounds. She took from me continually like a bottomless pit. I wasn't enough. She took from other men and women. It was clear she could not be satisfied. 

Now that I've extricated myself from that dynamic, I have the choice of whether or not to go back to the same comfortable dynamic or flip it (a thrilling idea!). Most likely I won't get the choice of a healthy 50/50 give-and-take relationship, as those don't exist but in small numbers (usually in someone's mind). What doesn't seem possible is making the same mistake, as I honestly don't have anything to give anymore. I gave all. I can move geographically to be with a woman; that's about it. It will be back to the same situation with my job taking all my energy and me having less and less to give year after year. Whoever I'm with will have to be okay with that. I won't have any money to lavish her with anything nice. I hope to at least pay my fair share of the bills. She'll have to earn her own money, as I won't be able to provide for her, my son, and myself. The consequences of putting everything into my previous relationship will, unfortunately, not be banished to the past. They will continue to live on. 

This is a sobering thought. This is what I feared. I don't have the ability to give another relationship what I've given in the past. I've shortchanged myself and whomever I might be with in the future (as implausible as another relationship seems at the moment). This thought makes me feel literally sick. I want to scream, cry, anything. It seems so unfair. What was once a verdant internal garden has been reduced to a desert. This fact makes me think twice about trying another relationship. The way I loved, after all, was "all for nothing."


I have given up the demons
I've made up a hundred reasons
I have turned my back on everything I knew
I have justified my actions
Been denied the satisfaction
I’ve believed, and I've put away the truth

All to be with you

I have lost the inhibition
I have felt a deep contrition
And I've realized there's still so much to do
I was lost inside my own lies
I fell victim and I thought I
Would never find the strength to do what I must do

All to be with you

I've been inside hell and out of
I've done things I'm less than proud of
I have only ever tried to get to you
I've lost everything and still I
Never give up until I either die
Or I will make it back to you

All to be with you