The riskiest thing



Why am I afraid of you? 

 I've tried to get over you, tried to move on. But there's too much of you in me. There's more you in me than me. I can't move on because you're a part of me. I don't understand it, but it's true. 

The capacity to understand what's happening in me isn't there. I have a rudimentary soul, and what's happened in me is extraordinary. It's you, little girl. You happened to me. You found the right place to sit in my heart, and you've made yourself at home. That hole in my heart feels like it was made for you, like it's a perfect fit. 

Yes, I'm afraid of you. I'm afraid of how I feel about you. My fingers tremble when I text you. My heart lurches toward you, straining against my ribs. I have to take deep breaths to calm myself. I have to close my eyes hard and tell myself she won't say those words that I dread. 

Yes, she could destroy me. And she has, twice now. Who gets to break my heart like that twice? Only her. And I'll let her do it again if she must. 

It's not enough, to love her like this. I know that. Love sometimes comes at the most inopportune times. In the middle of the night, I feel her running through me. I hear her words, I feel her hands, smell her hot skin. Loving her isn't enough to make her mine, isn't enough to make her be here with me.

Oh, but I will love her. If I've learned anything, it's that I will love her in spite of everything. Circumstances, distance, time and space and things that need to be said and words that need to be smothered and unimaginable pain cannot dim the embers in my heart for her. Though she slays me, I will love her. 

I won't always fear her, though I fear what she could do to me. Trust will grow in me, too, as it will in her. In time, the fear will subside and the tension will look like something else. We'll be silly and light-hearted and poke fun like we used to. 

I wagered big on her; I thought she'd hold. But, she fell and then I fell with her into madness, into pain like I've never felt before. All is forgiven, and I know I'd do it all again if I had the chance. And that scares me.

Love is the riskiest thing I'll ever do. I wagered all, dear, just to be with you. 

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