She touched me

Her lips moved against mine. I was vaguely aware she was saying something, then her body moved away from mine. An ache moved through me as her fingers trailed down my arm and across my hand and finally my fingertips. She stood next to me for a moment and then she was gone. That was my dream. It wasn't an erotic dream. Just a dream.

What remained after the dream was the sense of feeling worthwhile. I've gone for so long thinking I have no worth. It seems inconceivable for a woman to touch me. If a dream can arouse such feelings in me, then it's clear I was getting a lot of my self-worth from being physical with a woman. Or from any physical touch, for that matter.

I wouldn't normally write about a dream like this, but it reminded me of something. In any relationship, it's important to understand love languages. My primary love language is physical touch. I'm one of the easiest to please. I didn't always know about love languages. A dear friend explained how important they are to understand.

Let me preface all of this by saying I've never been promiscuous. I've only been with one woman, and she was my longtime girlfriend and then my spouse. She was my one and only for 20-plus years. Even though she betrayed me many times, I was true to her. It's easy to see how all of that came about now. Her primary love language was quality time, which I was never able to give her. It makes sense that she would look for that in someone else when it was apparent she would never get it from me. 

There are things I miss now that I have a solitary existence. I miss the random hugs. I miss the holding hands while driving, the tender moments that make life worth living. I thought everyone felt the same way. But, clearly, some people don't need physical touch like I do. When I left my marriage, I knew the physical part would be the hardest. How could I feel love without physical intimacy? Sex was only a part of that. I enjoyed sex because it made me feel worthwhile, valued, loved. I thought everyone enjoyed sex the same way I did. But, that's not the case. Some people get their love tanks filled by one of the other four love languages. 

Here's the problem: I've been feeling bad because I miss sex and physical intimacy. In fact, that's really all I've been missing from being in a relationship. I thought I was just a shallow piece of shinola, like all I wanted was to ring a woman's bell. I was starting to really get down on myself. The dream made me realize I've been absolutely starving for affection. It all makes sense now.

The solution is not easy, though. No, I couldn't make it easy, could I? I should be able to use one of the hookup apps and just score. Get it out of my system. Lots of women want the same thing. Unfortunately, they're also meth addicts with rotten teeth and really bad tattoos. I'm kidding. Or maybe not. I do live in South Dakota. 

Seriously, though, the problem for me is if I devalue physical touch by being with just any woman, then I've devalued myself as well. If I do that, I will have to get it from anyone and everyone — as many women as possible — because I've just lowered the bar. What made physical touch so special was the person who was giving it to me wanted to be with only me. That made it a hundred times more powerful and lasting, making me feel even more worthwhile. 

There's also my psychological makeup which prevents me from "playing the field," so to speak. It's just not me. I wish it was. My life would be so much easier, I think, if I could just be with any woman. Unfortunately, I want to be with a woman who loves me and I love her because anything else won't work for me. If that woman could just as easily be with another man, then what does that say about me? I'm just a fleshy sex toy. That devalues me. What physical touch says to me is that I'm special. Not because of my flesh itself, but because of what is inside me. It's unfortunate that I have such as a specific way to feel love, but for the woman I'm with someday, it will make it (hopefully) easy for her to love me.

This is a big deal for me. This is a breakthrough. This is me saying, "It's okay to feel unloved." I am unloved, given my preference for this specific love language! It's okay to feel I'm missing out. I thought I was being super shallow by wanting to be with a woman for physical intimacy. It's okay to miss something that made me tick, that gave me so much worth. But, it's also important to not throw my pearls before swine, if I can be so crass. I know it's part of the larger package of being in a relationship. My body and my soul are important, and they shouldn't belong to just anyone. I'm not the kind of guy who can be with a woman and not feel anything. I need to recognize there's only one way out of this labyrinth of suffering. I must follow it through to the end. If I choose a shortcut, then I cheapen myself, and I'm worth more than just an easy sexual encounter. 

This realization is important because it means I'm starting to get a sense of my worth, and it is different from what it has been. That's progress. That's amazing. It's strange it took a dream for me to realize how far I've come.