Your pretty lies

This isn't like me. Where did I go? I'm one of the toughest people I know. I've been through things that should have killed me. I've been through things that no one else will ever know. I've struggled through so many awful days and nights that stretched into years and decades. I was made of something that just wouldn't quit. What have I become? 

Through a series of humbling misadventures, many facts about myself have come to the surface. That's my only explanation.

My body, my soul, and my spirit show the carnage they've been through. The scars are there for all to see. I've been broken more times than I can count, have stood tall in the midst of chaos and pain that fell like rain. There aren't words to explain what I've seen. 

It should have destroyed me. It didn't. Parts of me are gone now, never to be retrieved. I'm not an ordinary person. People eventually see it. It scares them. How could anyone shuffle through such misery and make it out the other side, pretending they're fine? I'm damaged, but I'm alive.  

Pain changes you. It rearranges you. It makes you different. You can't go back to being what you were. There is no reverse gear in this life and no second chances. When you're wounded, you can't go back to being unwounded. But you can heal. And you can learn. 

Even though I've made massive blunders in my life, and even though I've been born into a world of trauma, I survived. I'm not the same. And I'm not done changing. Tomorrow may be my day. Tomorrow could change everything. 

I ran through mile after mile of pain to reach this place. I've fought and died on so many bloody fields just to see her face. In the end, what I went through wasn't what broke me and shoved me through with pain; it was my expectations that betrayed me.

The lonely nights and throwaway days have humbled me. The emptiness of everything has informed me. The tears have torn me down. I am more humble today than yesterday and every day before that. I am as broken as I've ever been. But I am naked before God and completely honest with the world. 

They say what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. Those are foolish words. Those are words from someone who hasn't seen jack shit in this world. What doesn't kill you can make you weaker than a worm, more destitute than a dead man walking, more shattered than anyone will ever know. Keep your platitudes. I've seen the end of my world too many times to fall for your pretty lies.