Abuse

When did I realize I experience the world differently than other people? I've tried to pinpoint when it all began. It must have started in my family unit at an early age, as I don't recall a particular moment of realization. Once my brain stopped trying to find that blip of time, it turned to the possible reasons why I felt so odd. The disconnect I felt from other people and their experiences was a clue that something wasn't right.

Although I was a healthy weight and size when I was born, my health began to suffer soon after. I got pneumonia when I was a baby. I didn't grow or thrive like my brothers. In short, I was the runt of the litter. 

As time went on, my mother became increasingly frantic about finding solutions for my physical state. It the age of 2.5, I was only 20 pounds. I had terrible digestive problems and couldn't seem to get well. After going to a doctor, it was revealed I had chronic impacted bowels. The doctor, by hand, disimpacted me. This went on for some time. The doctor told my parents we could do it at home or keep bringing me to him. 

So, we started doing it at home. My father was the one to disimpact. At some point in this process, my mother realized I was being traumatized (maybe the tears clued her in), later saying there was no difference between sexual abuse and what happened to me except it was doctor-ordered. She tried to shield me with a towel so I wouldn't associate my father with the trauma. Unfortunately, the damage was done. There is no room in the head of a traumatized person for intent. Whether the trauma was intended or not, it occurred. Those who say that memories must exist for sexual abuse to have existed are wrong, as I have no memories of what happened to me. The mind is a fascinating organ that protects us from all sorts of pain. Dissociation is a common protective mechanism. This would also explain why I feel there are parts of me that are simply missing. 

Men do not deal with abuse the same way women do. The shame is much greater. Often — if they do at all — men come forward much later in life with stories of abuse. More often, though, they tell themselves it never happened. Now that I'm in my forties, it's time to admit I was sexually abused as a child. I'm not a victim. But, in order to process the trauma, I have to admit I was indeed victimized. It's my humble opinion, clearly, but I believe the devil goes to great lengths to get us to NOT think about things, as he works best in darkness. Once we bring our minds to bear on a situation, we're on our way to victory. So, step one is admitting what happened and that it has affected me negatively.

The abuse I endured partly explains my troubled relationship with my father. It also explains why I distrust doctors. Extended further, it explains many of my trust issues and why I often identify with those who are victims. It's natural to have an overdeveloped sense of justice for people who have been through abuse. It's also natural for them to accept further abuse in their lives as if it was a normal occurrence. 

An interesting symptom of abuse I came across is trusting people too much, which is the other side of the coin of being hyper-aware of injustice. Both can exist at once, and I'm a testament to that. I tend to take people at their word and get almost violently out of shape when they don't follow through. It's necessary to be overtrusting in the beginning because the hidden desire seems to be to repeat the trauma of being taken advantage of. After the disappointment is complete, then the other side of the coin comes into play, saying "I told you so. You can't trust nobody." The cycle repeats as often as necessary. 

There are physical effects of the trauma, of which I've manifested a few in my almost 41 years. The stomach knots I know all too well. I always thought they were nerves, like I had a nervous stomach. Around the age of 11 or 12, I started to verbalize my fears. It was something new for me, so I was tentative with my confessions. As for the breathing problems mentioned, I've had those as well. 

The list of symptoms and associated problems are in the sources I've included at the end of this post. It's shocking how many of those symptoms I have had and continue to have. The effects of childhood sexual abuse linger. Considering I have no memory of the abuse, it's even more amazing. The negative self-image, low self-esteem, unplaceable grief, and depression all make sense now. I don't want to pin all of my problems on the abuse I suffered, but it is uncanny how many symptoms listed are things I've struggled with my entire life. 

One of the articles mentioned how the victim protects the abuser. This is an extremely common and vicious aspect of abuse. The one who abused them is often a person they respect or love deeply, so they have trouble reconciling this person's two sides. Often, the victim blames themselves instead of the actual abuser, simply because they can't believe this person abused them. It's self-protection and abuser-protection. This is key to moving through the process of grief associated with abuse. You have to place the blame where it belongs, and it does not belong on you. You did nothing wrong. Some abusers are so skilled at manipulating and controlling their victim, they can actually get their victim to look forward to the next episode of abuse because they know it's coming. It's a dopamine hit that they begin to crave. This is a complex ritual sometimes called trauma bonding, which I don't have space to devote more to here.

One of the most demoralizing effects of abuse is what it does to your relationships. Most likely, it will prevent you from having deep or lasting relationships with family or friends. You can call it trust issues or something else, but the end result is isolation. It's cruel that the effects continue long after the abuse, but the victim seeks to protect himself at all costs, often without thinking of it. 

I could go on for pages of all the ways the abuse I suffered may be impacting me today. I see it most in my relationships with others as well as with myself. A lot of victims have trouble accepting their Heavenly Father's love because of what an earthly father has done to them. It's clear all levels of our being are affected by abuse of any sort: our bodies, our souls (minds, wills, emotions) and the functioning of our spirit. 

Forgiveness is a huge and necessary step for victims of abuse. You may not lose the memories of what happened to you, but forgiveness prevents you from falling prey to other victimizing emotions. There are physical effects beyond what is listed in the sources if forgiveness is not practiced, such as arthritis and possibly cancer. It's imperative abuse survivors don't hold on to unforgiveness, bitterness, or resentment. If there are memories, they will not go away, but forgiveness takes away the effect of the memories on you, freeing you to live your life. 

The abuse I sustained at a young age from those I trusted and loved was multifaceted, chronic and long-term. The sexual abuse was for a short time, but it has clearly affected me long-term. I don't have any clue how to proceed from this point of disclosure, "but I know who holds tomorrow, and I know who holds my hand."


Resources I consulted for this post:

www.counseling.org/docs/disaster-and-trauma_sexual-abuse/long-term-effects-of-childhood-sexual-abuse.pdf?sfvrsn=2

www.avoicefortheinnocent.org/signs-childhood-sexual-abuse-adult-survivors/

www.soc.ucsb.edu/sexinfo/article/adults-sexually-abused-children-0