my careless contagion

(This is a companion piece to my last entry, “I see you.”) Recently, I visited a public library and picked up books on seashells, in particular, shells found where I live. It's an odd thing to realize these were once homes for creatures. In the back of your head, you know that, but when you're on the beach and looking at shells, you're looking for a pretty one or one that isn't damaged. You’re not thinking about what used to be. All you care about is what you’re holding. Is it useful? Is it pretty? Some have holes bored through from some other, wickeder creature. Do we realize these shells are armor, that what transpires under the waves is battle, life and death, that these discarded shells are testament to wars won or lost, some poor creatures having been pulled from their shells or digested right in them? Maybe it's just calcium carbonate to the average beachgoer, if they even consider the building blocks of what they’re holding, but now I look at them differently...

Disconnected, from Face to Face's 1992 album Don't Turn Away (which is, in my opinion, a perfect punk rock album) is a simply-worded song. The lyrics aren't complicated. The singing is straightforward and predictably angsty and overwrought in typical punk-rock fashion. I saw Face to Face perform a few times. Keep in mind this is a three-piece band. These sounds are coming from three people each playing an instrument. The bass alone is perfect. As a whole, it's profound and simple at the same time and paints a perfect picture of what many people feel at some point in their lives, which is a disconnect from those around them (and maybe even themselves).  Before I go off on a tangent, here are the lyrics.  You don't know a thing about me Is there something that you should know? I can tell you what you want to hear Let your inhibitions just go No you don't know what you will give up You don't know what you want It may take you years to find out You don't kno...

The above verse is from Psalms. I have said this verse literally thousands of times. It is very important to me, as it got me through some very hard years. I recall waking up some mornings, my body full of pain, not much to look forward to, and grabbing onto this verse with all my might. Let's face it, I don't have a whole lot going for me even now. I squandered most of my gifts. I wasted time, money, talent, chances, and garnered a whole lot of trouble. I believe we should take responsibility for our actions, and I have done that. However, I was also programmed through an abusive childhood to choose the life I did. But that's not my point. My point is, every day is a gift from God. Every moment — even the unbearable — is an opportunity. Many times I have prayed relentlessly for something to change. Long after the point of despair that nothing would ever change, God changed everything so quickly it made my head spin. When God moves, sometimes it happens all at once. ...

This article. I read this at work and wanted to bawl. Go ahead and read it. It's about an old, married couple who died 33 hours apart. When you've been married 68 years and grew up together, being without that person feels like dying anyway. So when they leave for good, you follow them too. This story really touched me, so I'm sharing it. They were one person. I think that's rare in this world, at least it is now. Everyone has their own agenda now. Theirs is the kind of relationship I wanted, and now I'm staring at a future that is very lonely. Staying with one person — that one person who makes you feel alive and complete and happy your whole life — that's what I wanted. Yes, I know there are hard times, you don't have to tell me that, but how you feel about that person doesn't change. That's special. I feel my life has been incredibly unfair and unkind. I try not to complain, but, still, it's there in front of me. And, on top of that, I...

Alex Honnold after his death-defying, 3,000 ft. free solo climb of El Capitan in 2017. Death is terrifying. It's like walking through a door you can't ever reopen. It is the most final thing we can do. It's not that our lives are so short, though some of them are. It's that we're dead for so long.  So many millions and billions have died before me. I should be assured it is nothing but common to die. Yet, I have not died, therefore, it is an uncommon experience for me.  I'm not concerned about myself, as I trust my eternity to God. I did nothing to be brought into this world, He has gotten me through my life thus far, and my eternity is entirely up to Him, as well. However, what about those left behind?  I've contemplated suicide many times, for years, really. Most of my life. I remember being in the back of the family car (station wagon, Suburban, I don't remember which) and wishing with all of my might to die. I was banished yet again to the...

Last post! That wasn't so bad, was it? I'm now officially sick of myself. I bet y'all are too. 31) I like messing with people. Not all the time, of course, because that's obnoxious. At my old job, one of my favorite things to do was to tell a string of jokes about something until someone joined in. At that point, I would turn on them and act horrified, like they had gone too far. That still cracks me up. I'm pretty sure 99.9% of my humor is for my own amusement. 32) I don't remember my first time having sex at all. I just wanted to get it over with. I waited 20 years for it, but I have no recollection. Ain't that how it goes? You wait so long for something and then it's over and you don't even remember it, like cotton candy in your mouth. Furthermore, I don't know if this is a function of my bad memory or what, but I don't even remember what sex was like, period. 33) My favorite book is the Bible. After that, let's see, t...

Alright! You're halfway to the end! I'm starting to wish I was a lot younger because I don't think I can come up with 41 random facts about myself.  Also because it sucks getting old. And sometimes I forget where my keys are. 21) I love BBQ potato chips. I used to be obsessed with Jolt Cola. I have a Surge CD. Surge is a beverage that was created in the 90s. They tried to market their beverage with alternative music. I don't know how I got it, but the Surge CD was actually two CDs, the other you were supposed to give to a friend. I didn't hate anyone that much to give them the CD, though I don't know where the other CD went. These days I use a lot of stevia. Once upon a time, I actually grew stevia. It's a fascinating plant. I used to have an organic garden, so I grew a lot of cool stuff. I've always been pretty open about the food I eat. For instance, I hate kale (and a lot of other brassicas), which is strange for someone who supposedly tries t...

This is only part two of four! Hang in there! More random things about me. 11) Continuing where I left off in the last post, here's a funny thing about Mr. Hookie. His family moved from the same town my family moved from to the same town we moved to (in a different state)! He had a son in my grade. There was also a girl in our class who moved from that town to the same town we moved to! The three of us graduated together. There's a picture of us in graduation gowns. I'll respect their privacy and not post it here, though. I'm still friends with the girl, but I have lost track of the boy. Or he lost track of me. We were friends for a while, but I was a dick to him so I guess it's fair he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. 12) The town where I went to college had a telemarketing company. A lot of students worked there, as I recall. I remember receiving a call from that company, trying to sell me magazines. I was so lonely, I stayed on the line lon...

Forty-one random things about me. Because this blog isn't self-indulgent enough! Hopefully I can scrounge up 41 somewhat interesting or strange things about me — one for each year I've been alive. Considering how boring my life is, this may be a challenge!  1) The first crush I had on a girl was Kristin Braley (above). She was my babysitter's daughter, a year older than me, and a lot of fun. She taught me to eat my boogers. We played with sandstone in her backyard, grinding it to dust. I said I would marry her. She was also a tomboy and had freckles, which is probably why I still like girls with freckles to this day. The last photo I have of her she was about 15 years old, but I have no idea what became of her.  2) When I was very young, my imaginary friend was Mickey Mouse. After school, I went down to the office where my parents worked. In the basement behind a partition, they had set up a cot for me. It was the darkest, scariest place conceivable for a ch...