Disconnected (Face to Face)
Disconnected, from Face to Face's 1992 album Don't Turn Away (which is, in my opinion, a perfect punk rock album) is a simply-worded song. The lyrics aren't complicated. The singing is straightforward and predictably angsty and overwrought in typical punk-rock fashion. I saw Face to Face perform a few times. Keep in mind this is a three-piece band. These sounds are coming from three people each playing an instrument. The bass alone is perfect. As a whole, it's profound and simple at the same time and paints a perfect picture of what many people feel at some point in their lives, which is a disconnect from those around them (and maybe even themselves). Before I go off on a tangent, here are the lyrics.
You don't know a thing about me
Is there something that you should know?
I can tell you what you want to hear
Let your inhibitions just go
No you don't know what you will give up
You don't know what you want
It may take you years to find out
You don't know what you need
It's something that may never come to you
Trust is something that comes easy
When you've never been a victim
Lies and promises and words are said
It's your decision to accept them
Yep, that's it. This song is a little gem, in my humble opinion. A lot can be said with few words, something I never learned, as this blog has over 600 posts (and, I realized recently, over 19,000 hits). The lyrics can be applied to about a million scenarios. That's the magic of keeping details out of the conversation. Let the listener apply meaning. What's clear is there is a failure of some sort of relationship. It could be business or personal. It could be real or imagined. It could be family or a stranger. Man and woman. Boy and girl. Boy and boy. Girl and girl. Them versus us. Feel free to paint it your own colors. For the sake of this post, I'm going with this: women don't know what they want.
The more I research relationships and what they should look like, more often than not my conclusion is no one knows anything and we are all faking it. It's all games. We can't come out and say what we really want (even if we knew). What most people want is love. Love me through my messes, breakdowns, frustrations, imperfections, self-loathing, and when I'm not even sure about you. We want unconditional love, which only God provides. Seeking that from a person will undoubtedly lead to failure and a sense of being unsatisfied. And, a whole lot of people are unsatisfied with their relationships. I can't say there is a single reason as to why except we expect too much. But, relationships can be incredibly satisfying if there is mutual respect and appreciation and with God leading. Traditional relationships where the man is the head and the woman enjoys his protection and leading are rated as the most satisfying by women. Yes, Christian women are most satisfied in relationships and, if you're curious, enjoy sex more than other women. I realize that's subjective, but it's also been researched quite a bit. I trust a woman knows when she's satisfied and when she's not. When you think about it, one man who is focused on your pleasure will satisfy more than several different men who are only getting in there for a short time and leaving, on to the next one. A man and woman in a traditional marriage are invested and seek to keep one another happy. Christian women self-report being happiest. But I digress.
What concerns me is many gave up trying. The dating world is toxic and skewed toward failure for many reasons. I believe we are witnessing the end of relationships in real time. Sure, some will find fulfillment. But many gave up. At least 50% of men are done. Women say it's hard to find a good man (and I question if 1. they could even recognize a good man and 2. if they could keep him, given what good men are looking for). That's because y'all are dating the same pool of men, which is about the top 20%. Those men don't have to work hard for sex or relationships. The women (many of them married) come to them. They get sex on the first date and sometimes don't even have to go on a date. They are highly successful in getting women. The rest of us have to work hard for a number of reasons but mostly because we aren't seen as desirable. The dating market determines what is desirable. Women flock to what other women want. I was on an international dating site and was the most popular man on the site. One woman even said, essentially, "I don't know why I'm writing to you, but you are very popular and the others must know something I don't." That, in a nutshell, is what I'm talking about. Many women want what other women want, or have. They don't have the wherewithal to reason out what they want in a man and make a quick decision to chase after what other women want, and I think that's a mistake. That's one reason relationships between men and women are an endangered species.
A confession. My theory that form follows function and feelings follow thought is likely wrong. It may have worked with me, but it does not work for everyone. I made a decision to love a woman based on her good qualities and everything followed. That doesn't mean that works for everyone. Also, being friends with someone you're in love with is a bad move, and for reasons that are probably obvious to everyone on the outside looking in. It may be okay for a while, but eventually it will dissolve on its own accord. Also, if a woman chooses anyone and anything over you, that's your answer about your future. If you wonder if a woman has feelings for you, that's your answer. She doesn't. If you question if you have a future, that's your answer. You don't. If you have to ask, the answer is no because there shouldn't be any questions. She either tells you yes in a very clear way or the answer is no. Guessing games = the answer is no, so walk away.
The best advice I ever heard about relationships is "let them." Let that person do what they want. They will tell you everything about their motivations. If they want to go away from you, let them. If they want someone else, let them. Letting them and not fighting them or trying to control them is a very mature response and, realistically, the only good response. It works for all types of relationships from business to personal. If you're wondering what someone is feeling and thinking about you, the answer is nothing. If you don't know, the answer is no. Otherwise they would tell you. That person isn't on the same page. Actions tell you what's in a person's heart and mind because actions come from our thoughts and feelings. Pay attention to actions and less to everything else. Trust me, you don't want that person who doesn't want you. If you have to fight them or plead with them to get them to give you a go, that's then what you have to do the entire relationship. Once you get tired of fighting and controlling, they will walk away. And probably blame it on you because you "stopped trying."
Now I'd like to share a few ancillary thoughts about relationships. Something we don't even think about but which controls how women are attracted to men is birth control. That's a valid thing I never considered. What else is affecting our relationships and we don't realize it?
Modern dating is fraught with dysfunction because we've allowed a wholesale attack on masculinity. Masculine men define relationships instead of allowing relationships to define them. Feminism and the idea that men are to blame for everything has fostered a toxic dating environment, forcing many men (and women) to simply stop dating, preferring to be alone and at peace than to try for something destined to fail. Traditional gender roles do a lot to prevent bad outcomes, but a lot of men feel women lack empathy. Cuss or discuss.
This mindset is what a lot of men are running into. It's programming and possibly brainwashing, but good luck changing it. Not all men are bad. But many women believe otherwise. They believe there is something inherently wrong with men. I believe there is something inherently wrong in how we view one another, both men and women. But no one asked me.
And here is another take on the "can men and women be friends" debate. I thought it was interesting enough to post, though it doesn't do a lot to change my mind. But maybe I just have some trust issues.
Finally, and just adding a bit of levity, is pretty much how I expected my attempts to move forward with a woman over the last 6 years and how it actually played out. It's okay to laugh at ourselves. It's funnier in the rearview mirror than when we're going through it, but let's not take life too seriously. It's a short ride. Enjoy it while you can.
***
The woman I've been seeing revealed recently a couple of instances of abuse from her ex, one impacting her children (exposing them to sexual content at a young age) and one impacting her (sexual assault) two years ago. Both instances highlight something. She has no concept of what it's like to be with a man who treats her well and isn't abusive. It could be her inability to move forward is partly because she can only use previous experience to navigate her present reality, and previous experience taught her she cannot be safe with a man. I know she's safe with me. But she's been programmed to believe otherwise. I can't change her heart or mind. Only God can do that. Maybe she needs more time or prayer.
I can't say any of what I wrote has any bearing on my current thing with my friend Cindy. We had a hard conversation recently when our situation boiled down to differing realities. I won't say what it was exactly. I asked her to take it to God once more. I cannot, with a good conscience, persuade another human being to do something that goes against their conscience, no matter how much I believe in my position. That's a weakness I have and something I need to work on. This situation is no longer in my hands, as I gave it to God, Who has the final say. I trust Him, even if I don't like the outcome. Prayer, time, patience, and seeking God's guidance is the solution, so the final outcome is not yet clear. Would appreciate any prayers.
Thank you for reading. And God bless.
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