Save Your Tears (The Weeknd)
Save Your Tears by The Weeknd was a popular pop song a few years ago. Can't say I know much about the artist, other than he probably sold his soul to the devil, but, hey, that's how you do business in show business. Digressing far too early. It's the weekend. So let's listen to The Weeknd!
This song is a typical "love" song where love isn't involved at all, obscuring true love and substituting a vile replacement. It's a heartbreak song. It's a lost-something song. Maybe it was love but probably not. Anyway, it's gone. I just like the music. The lyrics are bleak. That's one thing about popular music. The music and lyrics don't agree, carrying two different experiences. Maybe that's why I often make up my own damn lyrics. Y'all be putting poison in your songs.
This video is preferred to the official because it isn't grotesque. It's just some cars doing some choreography while the the singer sings his hit song. Straightforward and I don't have to decipher some occultic crap. Yes, computer; that's a word. If you and your friends plan on taking over the world, you may want to learn a few more words. Until then, I will continue to school your dumb ass.
There's something about the singer's voice that echoes so many popular male artists before him. Michael Jackson's voice may have been the prototypical high-pitched male performer's voice. And, while we're on the subject, I always thought the man was a creep. He may have been a pedo; I don't know, but I rethought that a while and concluded he just as easily may not have been. He evinced boyhood to the point that he was probably severely arrested in his development and had absolutely no sexual urges whatsoever. I think he saw himself as just another little boy, so severe was his abuse. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, check out Brice Taylor's book about being a mind-controlled slave. Her insight into the entertainment industry is irreplaceable.
If you're thinking I'm a little grouchy as I write this, that may be true. I had to think about a lot of stuff I didn't want to recently. I'm just very tired. Spoiler alert: I plan to end this, my last remaining blog, soon. As soon as God will let me. I await bad news soon and then will end it out of respect for what I carried on about here over the last 6 years. My health is poor so will focus on getting on track. But, anyway, back to the song. I'm into the video. It's spectacular yet simple. I'm puzzled as to why the old Mercedes have their badges covered. Perhaps it's a licensing issue. And how many days in Southern California are overcast and gray like January in Omaha? It's a cool, yet accessible, backdrop (mall parking lot and mountains of Arcadia, California) and belies the song's true meaning, which is heartbreak. Unfortunately, most of us have had that kind of experience. The song is basically an apology in long form.
Some thoughts. More and more often, it seems women now have relationships with themselves — and their phones, which reinforces their relationships with themselves. And that seems to be all they need. They tell themselves they don't need men. And that may be true. They get constant attention and validation without ever leaving the house. I think a lot of women actually think they look like their Instagram filters. They don't even realize they are basic and unoriginal and nothing of note is special about them. They would be offended to hear that, of course. But, since the subject of this post is relationships, let's be honest. Ain't nobody honest these days. We can't even be honest with ourselves. Your IG profile is not you, girl. It's not real. That attention isn't even real because it's based on something false, which is what you insist on putting out there instead of your real self. You live in self-deception and consider it a win. Onward.
I believe we need one another. We are stronger in groups, which is something the elite figured out a long time ago, as they continue to fractionalize us into smaller and smaller groups that are constantly offended by one another, even getting in fights over football-team preference. I mean, guys, we're talking about shirts. You're wearing different shirts. What the hell are you fighting about? It's FABRIC. I spent most of my life alone and completely disagree with that lifestyle. It is not the way to live for me. I do need time alone but also need connections and interactions that are worthwhile. Maybe I just need a dog. They're always happy to see their people.
I think it's interesting how much control each has in a man/woman relationship and what effect control has on the end result. If I had been granted control of moving forward with the woman I was seeing for 10 months, I have no doubt things would have sorted themselves out quickly and we would have either decided quite early it wasn't possible or progressed through the hard parts and would be in a stable relationship now. Because of her past, I allowed her to set the pace, which soon equated to a slowdown and even going backward, which is common when trying to be in a relationship with someone who endured domestic abuse and infidelity. Had I been given the reins, slowing down, stopping, and certainly going backward would not have been tolerated. If both our minds were made up this was what we wanted to do and she was willing to let me lead, I have no doubt we would have been successful and probably engaged by now. She would have been protected and loved through the whole process. She would have had nothing to fear. (She did try to let me lead at times, but perhaps losing control was equated with being hurt in her mind.) Instead, we fell apart and confusion and discouragement set in. I haven't heard the final word about us, but I wish I was in control from the get go. I guess she gave what she could, and it seems her reservations about us were a significant factor in causing dysfunction. No wonder she didn't feel comfortable moving forward with me. I have no doubt God would have blessed us moving forward, but we weren't on the same page. Two cannot walk together unless they be agreed.
A significant amount of our conversations was spent talking about her ex, which I'm sure would make him smile. I call it the ex factor. He bought a home positioned in the same neighborhood and along a street his ex-wife had her walking circuit for years. She's routine-oriented, and he knows that. He took up with a younger woman who already has kids but got her pregnant and then bought a house together. The whole thing is a direct confrontation with his old life, as if saying, "See, I did better." He's all about making chaos, and a narcissist (which I think he is but have never met him nor does it look like I will) thrives in chaos. He has his girlfriend picking fights with his ex and trying to cause confrontation by making unnecessary comparisons, etc., making it a competition, which always benefits a narcissist because they then can be the voice of reason and the master of their game of pitting others against one another, making everyone feel insecure and attacked. He would be gloriously happy if his ex-wife spent the rest of her life alone. If he can't have her, no one can. He essentially installed a sabotage program over the years of abuse. Now, no one can have her.
After enduring all those years of abuse and chaos, I don't blame her for wanting that, either, because it sounds peaceful. And it's no wonder a man's attention, even a good man's, makes her panic. I treated her to dinner one night and the glare from the windows behind me made it impossible to see her eyes behind her glasses. I think she thought I was trying to make eye contact a little too much, but I couldn't even see her eyes. She shies away from kisses even though I have no intention of kissing her. She misjudged that a lot. She's so hard to read. Finding clues as to how she feels or what she thinks is a priority when I'm talking to her, yet I find myself being wrong often. She is more legalistic than I realized, and I long suspected that was the reason we couldn't move forward. A better explanation is she simply doesn't have the feelings that necessitate moving forward. I am in no way putting her down. Just revealing some of our struggles. My time with her felt natural, was inspiring as well as relaxing. I've never been so fascinated by a woman's mind as I was her's. Her heart and virtue constantly drew me to her, yet her overwhelming virtue is probably a factor in us being a no-go. I admire her beyond all other women. She is embedded in my mind as what a real woman looks like, going back to when we were just a boy and girl. And I've never been so attracted to a female in every single way a man can be attracted to a woman. Top to bottom and the good with the bad, she is the best a man could have, yet she is not mine. I wish she was. Considering what we've both been through, we reasonably can expect challenges, but I believe there is always a way forward and what awaits us is worthwhile and just what we need. I never would have struggled through so many challenges and pursued any other woman as much as I did her. She was always worth it.
I tried many times to get her to let me help in any way, as I know she is excessively busy. She wouldn't let me do much. It would have allowed her to direct her energy toward her children more and taken small burdens off her mind, but she insists on doing everything herself. While I sit and twiddle my thumbs. I sought to make her life better and add sunshine to it, yet I fear all I added was stress to her already over-processing and overloaded brain. My idea to be in her life to help turned into another burden. My failure rate ended up being about 97%, I figure. We had some glorious moments when it felt like we were on the same page. I enjoyed her, but I couldn't tell if she enjoyed me. My focus was always her, and I think that was kind of new to her. She didn't understand how to accept a man's unconditional love, what to do with it, how to let it just happen. All she had to do was keep saying yes. "Yes, I will let you love me." She didn't have to fight for it or reason it out. It was free and all hers without reservation and she didn't have to compete with anyone for it. It was all hers. I'm sure it was harder for her to process than I realize because she likely had never seen anything like it. Before, romantic love came with an awful, punishing price. I didn't realize how much she had to unlearn and process. I mean, her ex was kicked out of the house almost seven years ago, yet he was sexually assaulting her two summers ago. That's recent and ongoing abuse, even years after their marriage ended. Me coming into her life and trying to love her was something she wasn't set up to accept. I hope she wants to continue trying, as I see her as a prize worth fighting for. I don't know what the future holds, but I sincerely hope she is in it. Of course, if she decides to quit trying, I will graciously accept that decision. She deserves respect, even to the very end. A class act deserves to be treated as such. She may be concerned about how I will handle things, and I hope she knows I will be okay.
Maybe I'm thinking about relationships so much because it's always been a source of confusion. Why do some work and some don't? I think it comes down to respect. I decided to end my subscription to HBO Max a few weeks ago. It's amazing how you can sign up for a service and enjoy it the same day, having to wait only a few minutes usually, but when I put in the termination notice for my HBO Max account, they said 4-5 weeks would go by before it was actually terminated. That's at least one and perhaps two more billing cycles! So I'm watching Dawson's Creek, which began in 1998. The dialog was always kind of unrealistic, but it's amazing how much communication was prized 25 years ago and how much we settle for now. (For instance, when someone likes a comment, I know the conversation is over.) Communication is the lifeblood of any relationship. It doesn't have to be a lot; it just has to be effective. As time goes on, it becomes less of a factor, unless there is a great need for it. Most couples settle in to a nice routine and stay that way so constant communication isn't a need.
I'm very lonely. More so than usual. I can't seem to shake it. Shortly, I will decide on a way to move through that, as I do everything else. God has a solution to everything, even lifelong struggles. I keep reading about the revival that took place at Hegewisch Baptist Church in the 70s and 80s. I long to be a part of something like that again. People could actually go to church and their lives would change, inspiring others and furthering change beyond those four walls. (But Derek Prince said desperation is a precursor of deliverance, and I wonder how many are truly desperate.) I believe it set the enemy back 50 years. We need another. Please pray with me for a revival. I need it on a personal level, and we need it on a national and global level. Amen. Yes, that's how I'm ending this post. A plea for God's help. I can't do anything without Him.
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Some good news. About a week or two ago I got a severe pain in my elbow. It's been on again, off again for a year or more. I rebuked it and it was gone the next morning. God answers prayer.
Thank you for reading. And God bless.
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