my careless contagion

Save Your Tears by The Weeknd was a popular pop song a few years ago. Can't say I know much about the artist, other than he probably sold his soul to the devil, but, hey, that's how you do business in show business. Digressing far too early. It's the weekend. So let's listen to The Weeknd!  This song is a typical "love" song where love isn't involved at all, obscuring true love and substituting a vile replacement. It's a heartbreak song. It's a lost-something song. Maybe it was love but probably not. Anyway, it's gone. I just like the music. The lyrics are bleak. That's one thing about popular music. The music and lyrics don't agree, carrying two different experiences. Maybe that's why I often make up my own damn lyrics. Y'all be putting poison in your songs.  This video is preferred to the official because it isn't grotesque. It's just some cars doing some choreography while the the singer sings his hit song. Straightfo...

If I could liken autumn to a woman (Autumn, is, after all, a woman's name), she is the one who leaves (an unintentional pun). She is in the fading phase of a relationship. She's still there, but she is also gone. Her beauty is more achingly sweet because you know your time with her is short. I have my own memories of a time like that (and she was truly beautiful as she said goodbye). I savor those memories because they are the last time I had her, if a man can ever truly have a woman. Because a woman can change like the seasons. You think you know her, but you don't. All you will ever know is she changes, and sometimes without warning. One minute you're walking together, and the next she's gone. Just the memory remains, and you ask yourself who will drive your soul . The only answer is the breeze. The chill on the air reminds you winter is on the way, and autumn is the warning. Winter is a cruel, yet beautiful season. Those who heed autumn's warning will surv...

In all my writing here, I realized I may have unfairly depicted my ex. Some may wonder what I saw in her at all, why I endured such a woman for so long. But she had a lot of wonderful qualities.  The truth isn't black and white. The truth is multi-hued and sometimes difficult to trace because the edges aren't defined in a way that makes moving on easy. In short, people are complicated. Life is complicated.  It took me approximately six or seven years to go through the whole process of divorce — for a relationship that involved as many bad things as I've mentioned (such as infidelity) —  so, clearly things are not as cut and dried as I made them seem. So, I want to apologize to her. I left my marriage at times with a viciousness that was out of character. Most of my divorce wasn't that way. I was conflicted at times but determined. My anger toward her was, I believe, an attempt to get her to fight for our marriage. But she did not. She laid down. She quit. She...

July 16, 2017, is the day Cindy broke off our relationship for good. I asked her not to come to see me if that was her intention. She did anyway. Some things have to be done in person. It was fair, though. I didn't think I'd get the girl. I used her to help destroy my marriage, and that's unforgivable. I tainted that perfect girl with our illicit relationship, and she ended it with class and poise. She was sick that weekend. So sick. Yet she came to see me. She had to do what she was going to do; that was clear. And she did it with practiced precision. When it was over, I cried. I said I wanted to be alone. Then I reversed and said I wanted to look at her because I realized it might be the last time I saw her. She shook with sobs as we hugged and said goodbye. There is a picture of me when I got home that day. My son is sitting with me in a chair, drinking his milk. I look tired as usual, but there is something else. I look like I have been gutted. And, indeed, I had...

I have lost. I've lost her. I've lost many things. I don't know what else to say, but I'll probably say a bunch of stuff anyway.  The thought came crashing in on me one night: "All is lost." That thought has remained with me. I know that truly not all is lost. Still, of all the feelings that have coursed through my veins in the last year-plus, this one is preeminent. Here's the thing. I'm very practiced in letting go. My whole life I've had to let go of places, people, things, parts of myself, things precious, and things mundane. This world is ultimately temporary, and we with it.  It should not have surprised me that I had to let her — the woman of my dreams — go. It should not have surprised me that I took it so hard, either. Precious things are hard to let go. The last time I saw her, she felt she had to give her marriage another shot. I sat and prayed with her, but she seemed so far away. She had already pulled away. Before we met tha...

The voice of reason always has the last word. My heart says what it wants to say, and then the voice of reason quashes all dissent.  The voice of reason says her heart belongs to another, and it always has. It's a deep, abiding love I've only seen the surface of. Yes, she loves him with all she has, even though he hurt and humiliated her for years. It's a love as strong as any bond or trauma-bond I've seen. She cannot walk away. She cannot crawl away. She's fused to him forever because this was her promise to him. She's the most loyal person I know. She has proven over and over she belongs to him. It's beautiful and tragic at the same time. There is no competing with a love like that. I can't think of her without being awestruck. The voice of reason tells me she'll never be mine. It tells my heart to pack it in, go on, at least try to move on. I have tried, of course, but every time I try my heart cries out like it will die. I love her with ...

It was a privilege to have my heart broken by you, you beautiful thing. You let me believe things I never thought possible. I saw for a moment what it would be like to be loved by a woman like you, and I was forever changed. I cannot go back to my old self. I cannot but be forever grateful. You may have left me for good, but you've left me with such a wonderful, priceless, and perfect gift — the gift of hope.  The man I am today is the not the same man I was two years ago. The way you went through me was unprecedented and pure and complete. You rearranged me forever. Some may think this a bad thing, but I do not. Bad things happened, I know, but bad things always happen. Rarely do such good things happen, and almost never to me. I know we're done. I know we're over. But you still linger like a nuclear bomb. You will half-life away long after I'm dead. When I believed you could be mine, it changed something fundamental in me. When you left me, I rearranged again....

King of fools There are a lot of thoughts swirling in my head, but mostly it's her. She's the planet all these thoughts revolve around; she's the gravity in my head. And she doesn't even exist. She's out there somewhere, but she's not real anymore.  What she accomplished in a short amount of time is astonishing. She got me to see things I'd tried to hide from. She blew open things I never thought existed. What she did in my life was nothing short of a miracle. I thank God for her every day. Now, she feels like a dream. What we had for a brief moment was an absolute dream, a fantasy, an unrealistic but beautiful thing. I lost her. I'm grieving that loss. I thought having anger would be the end of this grieving process. Instead, it's just a strange, warm feeling that sits in my bones. I cannot be angry with her; it's just not in me. What she did to me I cannot blame her for. Whatever she did, she had to do. I just happened to be the blind an...

It's possible to relive your life in your head so many times you forget how things actually happened. It's possible to imagine so many scenarios that fix things you actually start to believe they would have made a difference. You know, we all have that fork-in-the-road moment we look back on. Do we really believe things would have turned out differently if we had gone the other route? Is life really just a choose-your-own-adventure book?  Right now, I'm imagining that I'm actually at that fork in the road, but I can take many different paths this time. I must choose wisely because the rest of my life depends on this moment.  My heart will always choose her. My body is old and tired, sometimes recalcitrant, and in many ways not what it used to be. Not even close. But, I imagine my body will follow my heart. My brain is on board, though it does not understand the unseen hand among us.  As much as my own journey was inevitable, do I believe that yours was a...