Always

The realizations are coming hard and fast. I've been a fool; that's understood. I've begun to see myself for what I truly am. And it ain't pretty, folks. 

My good qualities are known. I hope big. I love even bigger. I am driven. I don't mind throwing myself into hard situations. I've learned I don't have to rely on myself all the time. But, I'm still independent. That's all good. 

What bothers me is what I didn't see. Or, rather, what I didn't want to see. I deceived myself in matters of the heart. I walked right into a pit and a snare — one right after the other. 

I will attest to her good qualities until the day I die. I've known this girl since we were ten years old. I watched her grow up into an impressive young woman, lost her for many years, then discovered her to be the same person she was then, only better. She's amazing. I can't say it enough. She's the smartest woman I've ever known. She has an eerie intelligence that makes me wonder if she's peeking into people's brains somehow. She's one of the nicest women I've ever known. My life would have been a thousand times better had we ended up together. That is what I know. I also know I cannot go back and make her mine. I've wracked my brain a thousand times to find a way to make her mine. It's just not going to happen. 

The thing I didn't seem to understand is what happened all those years we lost touch. We were on completely different trajectories. She was going up as I was going down. How we crossed paths again, I'll never know, but the consequences were severe. I should have known she'd stir things in me that should have died long ago. The way I felt about her came back in an instant. 

My great error was hoping to make her mine, trying to erase all those years and distance between us. My error was believing in the impossible, believing she could be mine when all she wanted was to be her husband's. Now I see how my chasing her was like her chasing him all those years, trying to make mine what cannot be mine.

It's become clear I just wanted to go back and fix something that I had no business going back and fixing. I wanted to put her back in my life because I've felt the lack of her. I was incredibly selfish and naive. You can't go back. You can't change the past. Did I love her for what she meant to me back then? No, I love her for the amazing person she is now. Try as I might, I can't make her belong to me. She belonged to a different man for too long. They are one flesh, one heart. Trying to tear her from him would kill her by rending their one heart in two. Oh, foolish man I am. What a stupid, stupid thing I tried to do.  

There's no way to heal the past. There is only now and maybe a glimmer of tomorrow. I let go of what we had, only to have it steal back into my heart. I let go of her all those years ago. Now I just have to live with my mistake. 

Realizing my mistake doesn't change how I feel about her. I will always love her. Even if we never speak again. Even if she dies tomorrow. Even if she wounds me like no other before. Even if she loves someone else. Even if we're totally wrong for each other. Even though it's clear we'll never be togther. Even though we're just another tragic love story. I will always love her.