La La Land

My life is a movie. This time the movie is La La Land with Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone. 

Spoiler alert: he doesn't get the girl in the end. Well, maybe in his mind, as we see in a moving little montage toward the end where he inserts himself into her life for a moment. It's beautiful. It's perfect. It's not real. This movie, which is ridiculously nostalgic and Hollywood-ish, well, it doesn't let you get your perfect ending. 

You want them to be together in the end. You really do. But they aren't. The reasons are there, of course, but your heart wants them to be together anyway. They had their shot. They were good for each other. Isn't that what matters? They helped each other get what they wanted out of life, but they somehow gave up on each other. Those things became more important; with him, it was his dream of opening a jazz club, and with her, it was her dream of becoming an actress. 

The end is sad. I cried. I could see myself sitting there, watching the girl of my dreams walk out of the room for the last time. And she looks back and *dammit* it just hurts. They chose different paths, and those paths didn't connect them in the end. When you see them put themselves together in their minds at the end ... oh, I don't have words. 

I don't cry during movies. I don't know when this started. I guess because my life is a big shitty shithole, I have to cry all the time now. So why am I crying this time? Because I have imagined so many times what my life would have been like with That Girl, the one who got away. Even at this moment, I imagine myself sitting near her, watching her come and go, playing with our children, smiling at me with those killer eyes, as if it wasn't strange at all, like I've always been there. I wish with all my heart it was real, but it's not. And that's what hurts. Seeing my life as a movie is just fucking cruel. Yeah, I don't cry during movies, especially musicals. Except all the time now. And especially during La La Land. 

I know I can't go back. I know I didn't get the girl for very real reasons. I know there's absolutely nothing I can do about it now. I know, I know, I know. I've tried to find a loophole like some kind of loophole-seeking freak. We are not perfect people, but we would have been perfect together. 

Should I lay off movies for a while? Find a different genre? Maybe just stop being such a wuss? Oh, probably all of those. But, that won't make me feel anything different about that girl. And it won't take away the incredible hole she left in my life, a hole that could only be filled by her. It won't make me stop wishing or hoping or dreaming. And, I guess that's the whole point of the movie. Keep dreaming. Keep believing. Even if you don't get the girl, she can still be your muse. But my heart wants the girl. And it wants her to be my muse. Is that too much to ask? 

I guess so.