Harm

There were two great events that shaped the last two years of my life. The first was my separation and divorce from my wife which was a relationship that lasted more than 20 years. The second was a brief but beautiful encounter during my separation and divorce with a woman I've known since I was ten years old. We have a history I won't go into here. The love we had blossomed without warning at either the perfect time or the worst time. I haven't decided which. By the time she was divorced, it was safe to say our relationship had ended. It was a double dose of grief for me to see the end of two intense relationships in such a short amount of time. I thought I was going to die. Some days, I wished I would.

To compound these feelings, I also feel intense remorse for having a relationship with a woman during such a critical time. She was going through a separation and divorce as well. I felt I impacted her decision-making in a negative way. She even told me I was "100 percent to blame" for her divorce. When I think of her children and what they've been through, I can't help but feel that statement tear through me. It makes sense now. About a month and a half after we started talking, she was separated. 

I must forgive myself daily for the destruction I've wrought in all their lives. I pray that God will put their family back together. When she realized I was to blame, did she turn on me? It seemed like it. She wanted to protect her family which was the most important thing in her life. She beat me away with hurtful words and then stayed silent. It appeared she had made her decision and was going back to her husband. I did not blame her, of course. I never thought she'd get a divorce anyway. As it was, it dragged on for more than a year. My divorce was accomplished in seven months. 

I saw a cruel streak in her that widened to a mile and overtook me as she went through possibly the worst period of her life. She chased me -- the one who destroyed her family -- away with spite. I tried to hold on to our friendship, but that was severed too. It made sense. I was the cause of her life being in disarray. I had taken her family from her. She had dealt with her cheating husband for 18 years. She could have continued to do so. It was more important to her that her family stay together than her husband stay true. And then I came along and changed the equation. We fell in love without warning. It was blindingly quick. For a person who values having control over situations, this must have shocked her. 

She said she wanted to put her family back together. I wished she had. In fact, I thought she would. It made sense. All she had to do was tell her husband he needed to get help and here's what you need to do, buddy. It would have been easy. I think everyone expected it to happen. They spent so much time together anyway. He was always at her house, and they were always doing family things together. Why on earth didn't they just work things out like before? 

I think the answer stares back at me in the mirror every day. My thoughts and her words confirm the truth. When she ended our relationship, I knew she was going back to her husband. I was happy for her, as she would get back the most precious things in her life. As time went on, it appeared I was wrong. Even after her divorce, I thought, there's a chance they can work it out. As I sit here, I still hope there's a chance. I pray for this every day. 

It makes sense to me how this situation played out. I get it now. That doesn't take away the remorse I feel for the part I played, though. Every single day, tears well up in my eyes as I recall something from this saga, as I think about her children without ready access to their father, as I contemplate this woman's future. I feel completely responsible for their fates. My heart is ever before God asking for a way to give them back what I've taken. It's not enough to give them that back, though. I must restore 100 times over what I've stolen. 

There is no clear conclusion. I know I have to let it go. I have to say goodbye to her and the mess I made. Life has to be lived. I can't keep poring over my many faults and failures. God knows my heart; He knows my remorse, and He knows I'll do anything to make this right. In the end, I deserved everything I got. I reached for the golden ring, risked all, and fell into a heap. But, it's poor of me to complain that I lost my gamble in a game of hearts while she lost everything. 

My dear, if you're listening. I'm sorry. I hope you can feel my heart through the miles. I hope you know I didn't mean to hurt you. What I did was selfish and stupid, I know, but I loved you in a way that surprised me too. It overtook me. You overtook me. I'll love you forever. I'll love you even though I'll never have you. I love you with everything I have, as that's what you deserve. I'm so sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for hurting your children. They will never know the man who did this to them, thankfully. I thank God most of all because He is the one who allowed me to see the error of my ways and the destruction I brought into your lives. He's the one who is in charge of fixing this. It won't be me. I've done enough harm.