my careless contagion

I sit here heavy with troubling thoughts. I sit here full of remorse. I sit here begging for her to hear me, but she does not.  I'm sorry, Cindy. The words I had for you were the most unkind things I could have said. Whether or not I was being noble is no longer an issue. I know I hurt you, my dear friend. And that is a fact that tears at my chest like a wild animal.  I don't deserve to be your friend. I don't believe I ever did deserve that. Somehow, a magical door opened between us, and I was in your life. Soon, you saw the man I was, and that door closed. Our magical moment was gone, and I will pine for that as long as I live. I miss you, and I want it back, but it's not coming back.  My words. They were desperate. They were meant to hurt. They were meant to drive you away from me. They wanted to make a choice that wasn't mine to make. They wanted to send you through a door to a wonderful world beyond. But all I did was make you sad. I have cried, and ...

There were two great events that shaped the last two years of my life. The first was my separation and divorce from my wife which was a relationship that lasted more than 20 years. The second was a brief but beautiful encounter during my separation and divorce with a woman I've known since I was ten years old. We have a history I won't go into here. The love we had blossomed without warning at either the perfect time or the worst time. I haven't decided which. By the time she was divorced, it was safe to say our relationship had ended. It was a double dose of grief for me to see the end of two intense relationships in such a short amount of time. I thought I was going to die. Some days, I wished I would. To compound these feelings, I also feel intense remorse for having a relationship with a woman during such a critical time. She was going through a separation and divorce as well. I felt I impacted her decision-making in a negative way. She even told me I was "10...

If I ever see that girl again, and if we're ever alone, I will fall down on my knees, crumble like no man ever should and hold her ankles tight. I will break before her eyes, and she will see something she's never seen before. She will see the most broken man say the most pitiful things. He'll say he's so sorry, the sorriest he's ever been in his life. He'll say he can't go on any longer, the regret is tearing him apart. He'll say he'll do anything to help her get her life back, just say the word and he'll do it. Please, please, just let me do it.   I get it now. I see why you had to leave me. I see what it means for you to carry on, and I don't want you to do that. I want you to have what you had, and I know what that means for me. If there's an altar somewhere, I'll sacrifice myself to this cause. If there's a time machine, I'll buy it for us. If there's a way -- any way to undo what I've done -- I'll do ...