my careless contagion

I wrote this to Cindy, and even though the context no longer exists, I made a public blunder so must apologize publicly. Thank you for letting me share in this space. It's very humbling to post this. A new post will be along shortly.  *** I wish to write you a better apology. My only request is you don't reply. Relax, I'm not asking to be in your life.  God pointed out specific times when I disrespected you. I apologize for those. God rebuked me thoroughly. I repent of my behavior. I think the worst were things God told both you and I that I tried to press through. It's one thing to chase a woman; quite another to disregard a clear boundary. This isn't the only thing God is dealing with me about. It was the thing that pushed me over the edge with a grotesque display of weakness. I am completely humbled. Humiliated, in fact. God is patient. I'm not asking for forgiveness from you. I don't deserve anything from you. I do not deserve to be your friend right now...

One of my posts that still gets hits is about saying I'm sorry. People really don't know how to apologize sometimes. I know I don't. But I'll try. This is a loose end I have been intending to tie up for quite some time with a specific girl but haven't had the chance to do so. I imagined myself holding her gently or falling to my knees and grabbing her ankles. I may not have the chance to do that, so this will have to suffice. Before I close this blog for good, these words have to be said. I hope she hears me and understands these words simply aren't enough. I can't express my remorse with words alone. I sought to make it up to her with actions, but even that isn't enough. Maybe over many years it would be possible.  When I moved to this town, we weren't talking and I told her I would leave her alone. I was intent on starting a new life here. I was focused on that. Then, out of the blue, she suggested we meet and discuss what went wrong with us. She e...

It is safe to say I sometimes over-apologized in the past. It's hard living with the burden placed upon me in my youth, but this doesn't have anything to do with that. And I think it is fine to say you're sorry about something you had nothing to do with. But when you've done wrong, an apology is necessary. This is a honest and heartfelt apology for many things I wish I could have done better.  I'm sorry, dear girl. I'm sorry I wasn't enough the first time we had a chance at forever. I'm sorry I interrupted your life with my unrepentant dreams of you and me. If I could go back and do it again, you know I'd do it differently.  I'm sorry I didn't quit pursuing you when I should have. I'm sorry I made you mad at me. And oh so sad. But, like Babe Ruth said, "It is hard to beat someone who never gives up." My persistence only made you sad and angry with me and drove you away. I lost a friend because I wanted so much more. I lost our f...

Cindy. I've written about her extensively. I've thought of her much more extensively. And I have loved her much more.  When she came back into my life in December 2016, it was like a revelation. I was instantly thankful. Here was the girl I had missed all those years. I was pretty sure I was going to fall in love with her the first time around, but it became clear I really had; I just didn't know how to say it.  And the second time around, I fell in love again, and quickly. But, within months, our relationship was over. I had broken open her world. Not just her life, but inside, as well. I don't know if she ever told others what she told me, but I felt we shared deeply. I hope she trusted me as much as I trusted her. I gave her my world, my heart, my endless love.  There is nothing but gratitude now. She is gone. She is silent. I know she is living her life, but I am no longer a part of it. Does she think of me 100 times a day like I do her? I hope she remember...

I sit here heavy with troubling thoughts. I sit here full of remorse. I sit here begging for her to hear me, but she does not.  I'm sorry, Cindy. The words I had for you were the most unkind things I could have said. Whether or not I was being noble is no longer an issue. I know I hurt you, my dear friend. And that is a fact that tears at my chest like a wild animal.  I don't deserve to be your friend. I don't believe I ever did deserve that. Somehow, a magical door opened between us, and I was in your life. Soon, you saw the man I was, and that door closed. Our magical moment was gone, and I will pine for that as long as I live. I miss you, and I want it back, but it's not coming back.  My words. They were desperate. They were meant to hurt. They were meant to drive you away from me. They wanted to make a choice that wasn't mine to make. They wanted to send you through a door to a wonderful world beyond. But all I did was make you sad. I have cried, and ...

In all my writing here, I realized I may have unfairly depicted my ex. Some may wonder what I saw in her at all, why I endured such a woman for so long. But she had a lot of wonderful qualities.  The truth isn't black and white. The truth is multi-hued and sometimes difficult to trace because the edges aren't defined in a way that makes moving on easy. In short, people are complicated. Life is complicated.  It took me approximately six or seven years to go through the whole process of divorce — for a relationship that involved as many bad things as I've mentioned (such as infidelity) —  so, clearly things are not as cut and dried as I made them seem. So, I want to apologize to her. I left my marriage at times with a viciousness that was out of character. Most of my divorce wasn't that way. I was conflicted at times but determined. My anger toward her was, I believe, an attempt to get her to fight for our marriage. But she did not. She laid down. She quit. She...

There were two great events that shaped the last two years of my life. The first was my separation and divorce from my wife which was a relationship that lasted more than 20 years. The second was a brief but beautiful encounter during my separation and divorce with a woman I've known since I was ten years old. We have a history I won't go into here. The love we had blossomed without warning at either the perfect time or the worst time. I haven't decided which. By the time she was divorced, it was safe to say our relationship had ended. It was a double dose of grief for me to see the end of two intense relationships in such a short amount of time. I thought I was going to die. Some days, I wished I would. To compound these feelings, I also feel intense remorse for having a relationship with a woman during such a critical time. She was going through a separation and divorce as well. I felt I impacted her decision-making in a negative way. She even told me I was "10...