A better apology
I wrote this to Cindy, and even though the context no longer exists, I made a public blunder so must apologize publicly. Thank you for letting me share in this space. It's very humbling to post this. A new post will be along shortly.
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I wish to write you a better apology. My only request is you don't reply. Relax, I'm not asking to be in your life.
God pointed out specific times when I disrespected you. I apologize for those. God rebuked me thoroughly. I repent of my behavior. I think the worst were things God told both you and I that I tried to press through. It's one thing to chase a woman; quite another to disregard a clear boundary. This isn't the only thing God is dealing with me about. It was the thing that pushed me over the edge with a grotesque display of weakness. I am completely humbled. Humiliated, in fact. God is patient. I'm not asking for forgiveness from you. I don't deserve anything from you. I do not deserve to be your friend right now and likely disqualified myself to be your friend in the future. I hope my moments of weakness don't color how you see me. That's not how I operate. God willing, it won't happen again. I am making progress, but I do have setbacks. The more I advance, the greater the setbacks seem when they happen. I may look like a walking disaster, but my everyday reality is God-directed. Yes, sometimes I step outside His will. In this case, I was punished for that.
You aren't like other women. I always admired that, but sometimes I forget just how different you are. It's one reason why I loved you. As much as I understood, you've consistently gone beyond that into territory I never imagined. My basis for understanding you is flawed, even though God helped me see how truly extraordinary you are. I keep comparing you to other women, but it's the wrong comparison. Thank you for showing me not everyone is like the women I've known. Some are better, far better than I imagined. You are motivated by different things. Once again, you've taught me a lesson. Once again I stand corrected. If you are praying for me, thank you. I've come a considerable distance even this week. Imagine the thing you love the most in the world being taken from you and ask yourself how you'd respond. Clearly, I could have done better. I'm not making excuses. I seek to do better and thank you for not letting me get away with unkind words. When the woman you admire the most in the world corrects you, it hits a little harder. You are a very strong woman. I will always admire you, even if you aren't in my life.
I will continue to pray for your children, as I feel God directed me to do so years ago. I know you won't reach out to me, but I am here if you need an extra prayer warrior. I won't misunderstand this time. I hope your school years is amazing and full of blessings. You deserve the best.
Take care, Cindy.
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